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Wednesday, 14 March 2018

Big Fat Commercial Writing Dump (part i)


The times they are a-changin'. It was October 2017 when I jumped off of that web design job security building and plunged into the vast freelance ocean of self-employed writing, without even so much of a CV lifeboat to my name. Response to this daring stunt has been diverse. Many kind folk have praised the action as "brave", blatantly unaware that the said building I jumped from was on fire and my leap was one of desperate survival. Others labeled me as a careless fool, an idealist who was certain to drown or be eaten alive by sharks with utility bills in their mouths. And yet, what nobody seemed to be paying attention to was the questionable pachyderm in my bedroom, mumbling to itself, worried about the future of this very place right here. Juice Nothing. The blog you're currently reading, hello. These concerns were not unwarranted either. Now that people paid me for my words, and now that I had to fiercely dedicate every waking second of my time to elbow my way up in this already overcrowded industry, what crumbs of my dwindling resource could I possibly afford to feed to a personal project?

Thankfully, over the past few months of sitting in a stew, peeling carrots for minimum wage and storing up my potatoes to give to the tax man, my sweat in the soup bowl added a much-needed flavour of salt, and Jared has started to taste pretty pretty good right about now. I've hammered together a semi-stable structure over here. It's hardly wobbling at all, look! And I'm standing upon it, hands on my hips, staring at the sun without protective gear, a smug smile on my face, and a big Fuck You to everyone who doubted me. Fuck you!!!

Still, nothing changes the fact that my word-energy is finally being utilised like God intended it to be, as I trade my gifts for legit dolla until I go to bed each night, exhausted and without an original thought to spare. Meaning: despite my pockets' ever-increasing crisp scent, and despite the work/play seesaw of my time slowly seeing eye-to-eye, the threat towards Juice Nothing was still very real. If I was now confident enough to sell the depths of my mind to the corporate world, then why the hell would I give them to you for free?

I love happy endings, and so here one is: I figured everything out, don't you worry. Basically, shit is going to work much like before, as I routinely designate a portion of my daily hours giving birth to a sellable product, specifically tailored with a publication in mind, presenting it to their kingdom on one knee. If rejected, I will gracefully bow myself out, and then it will be discarded face-first into the Juice Nothing streets, forced to fend for itself, lost in this ghetto where neglected children come to die. Using this approach, there should be more than enough content to keep this blog churning at the same speed as it did before, and possibly even manufacturing items of a higher quality because each idea's original purpose was all about potential money money money.

But wait! There's more! Beyond any scraps who find themselves buried beneath this url, I will also continue to dig my teeth into album reviews until I get lockjaw, as there are some things money cannot take away from us and I refuse to let go of this specific passion. These posts will usually manifest in the form of Worst to Best articles, and there are plenty of good reasons for this, namely: I adore writing these bits; I want to show off my superior music taste to the world; these pieces attract a surprising amount of page views; I want to build lists which encourage people to buy me more vinyl; and no one would actually pay me for work like this because it's too personal and indulgent. Which basically means, I might as well rename this blog to "JUICE WORST TO BEST SOMETHING" because it's about to essentially become just that. Prepare your anus.

On a side note: has anyone been checking out my Instagram accout recently? I'm doing this sweet thing where I draw a new hilarious cartoon picture every work day, oh my lols. And also, don't forget to keep refreshing my colourful vectors page, and maybe even support me by buying one or two? I guess when looking at these guys, how strapped for time could I possibly be?

Cool, so that's the update, hope you enjoyed it, and while you're down here, I also just wanted to quickly be the millionth person to remind you to follow your dreams. People always said that to me, "follow your dreams, Jared", it sounded so basic and stupid, but now that I've actually done it, I understand what they were getting at. The struggle was really struggly, but even when my entire life was uprooted and uncertain, I was having a wonderful time, and look at me now! I have reached a level of professional bliss so elevated from my former self that I hardly even think about pussy anymore. To end off, here is a looooong list of every single external bit of writing I've put together so far, all of which have fed me in varying degrees, thanks!

Pencilmation Scrips

Phoney Baloney
Chopsticky Situation

A Den of Geek Article

The History Behind 10 Cartoon Catchphrases

The Clever Articles

15 Mysteries Science CAN’T Explain
15 Celebrities Who Mysteriously Disappeared
15 Real And Sinister Alien Abduction Stories
15 Lesser-Known Facts About The Late Charles Manson
15 Types Of Tinder Profiles To Avoid
15 Roles That Nearly Destroyed The Actor
15 Confessions From Men In Open Relationships
15 Reasons Why People Keep Vanishing In The Alaska Triangle
15 Weird Corners Of Wikipedia People Don’t Know About
15 Craziest Conspiracy Theories Of All Time
15 Of The Strangest Phobias From Around The World
15 Rules McDonald’s Employees Need To Follow

The Richest Articles

Drake’s Pick 6ix Is Overrated (And So Are These 15 Other Celeb Restaurants
Beyonce’s Baby Bump And 15 Other Stylish Pregnant Mothers Who Broke Instagram
50 Cent’s Accidental $7 Million Bitcoin Investment And 15 Other Surprise Celeb Riches
Justin Timberlake’s New Rustic Look And 15 Other Celeb Styles We Don’t Get
Jay-Z And Bey’s $1.16 B Fortune And 15 Other Couples Who Belong To The 1%
15 Trust Fund Celebs Who Got Famous Because Of Their Rich Parents
20 Advantages Of Being Born Under The Billionaire Ruler Of Dubai
15 Random Things Michael Jackson Spent His Millions On
15 Celebs Who Made Multi-Millions (And Then Lost It All In A Second)
15 Priceless Items Celebs Auctioned Off (To Pay The Bills)

Flick Fans Articles

10 Horror Film Villains That Are Still Scary Today
Why ‘Get Out’ Deserves to Be in Contention for 2018’s Best Picture
Sundance: A Quick History Lesson

Millions of Miscellaneous Ghostwritten Health Articles

10 Simple Ways to Prevent Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Senior Health: 5 Steps for Dealing with Falls
5 Lesser Known Tips to Avoid ACL and Other Knee Related Injuries
10 Essential Suggestions for Dealing with Plantar Fasciitis
5 Common Myths About Arthritis
5 Simple Home Remedies For Knee Injuries
The 5 Worst Foam Rolling Mistakes People Make
10 Quick Tips to Help Athletes Avoid Knee Injuries
5 Common Desk Job Injuries (And How To Avoid Them)
Five Wheelchair Accessories That Will Make Your Life Easier
Core Strength: Why Is It so Important?
Five Ways to Stay Motivated During Retirement
Five Technology Gifts for Seniors This Christmas
10 Health & Safety Tips for Protecting Your Eyesight as You Get Older
Top Tips to Feel 10 Years Younger
Everything You Need to Know About Lifting Heavy Objects
Cold Showers vs. Hot Showers: Which is the Most Beneficial Option?
Senior Health: Important Tips For Getting a Good Night’s Sleep
5 Tips for a More Senior-friendly Household This Christmas
Five Essential Safety Items Most Homes Are Missing
Tips for Coping with a Broken Bone in a Plaster Cast
10 Quick Tips for Senior Foot Care
10 Reasons Why You Should Learn a Musical Instrument During Retirement
5 Fun Ways to Improve Your Hand-Eye Coordination
Simple Tricks To Make Living With Parkinson’s Easier
10 Lesser Known Bad Habits Which May Hurt Your Spine
8 Steps in Buying the Best Running Shoes
Why Are Women More Susceptible to Arthritis?
The 10 Best Exercises For Strengthening Your Flat Feet
Woke up with a Stiff Neck? Follow These 10 Steps to Fix the Problem.
10 Small Health Changes That Can Make A Big Difference
10 Easy Ways to Exercise Throughout the Day Without The Gym
10 Clever Ways to Trick Your Child into a Healthy Lifestyle
The Essential Room-by-Room Guide for Fall-Proofing Your Home
5 Common Running Injuries, and What to Do about Them
10 Common Misconceptions About Parkinson's Disease
10 Ways to Help Your Teenager Struggling With Depression
The 10 Worst Habits Which Are Damaging Your Skin
10 Ways to Make Exercising More Fun
10 Lesser-known Ways to Combat Anxiety at the Workplace
10 Lesser-known Facts about Breast Cancer
From Head to Toe: The Essential Guide to Senior Health
10 Reasons Why You May Have Bad Body Odor (and What to Do about It)
Step by Step Guide to Approaching Wrist-related Yoga Injuries
10 Ways to Help Bedridden Seniors Feel More Comfortable
10 Steps to Keeping Your Feet Soft and Healthy
The 5 Most Common Sleeping Disorders (and What to Do about Them)
10 Ways to Encourage Creativity with Arthritis Patients
Essential Guide for Nature Walks with the Whole Family
Yoga Poses You Should Avoid with Back Injuries
Improve Your Running: 10 Lesser-known Tips to Follow Immediately
10 Common Myths About Hand Injuries and Disorders
Top 10 Ways to Fight the Common Cold
10 Ways to Stay Fit with Injured Knees
10 Tips for a Healthier, More Productive Shower
10 Lesser-Known Tricks to Instantly Improve Your Mental Happiness
The Essential Five-Step Guide to a Quick Detox
10 Tips for Falling Asleep Faster
10 Steps in Helping Someone with Hearing Loss
The 10 Essential Steps in Recovering from an Injury
The 10 Most Common Mistakes People Make When Building a Six-Pack
Tennis Elbow: Is It Ok to Keep Lifting Weights?
10 Lesser-Known Tricks to Flatten Your Stomach Fast


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