I Read The Bible So You Don't Have To

PLEASE NOTE: I nearly had a panic attack when the shopkeeper at the Roman bookstore asked me which version of the Bible I wanted to purchase. Wait, what do you mean which version do I want to purchase? I want to purchase the correct one! Turns out there is no such general agreement, but the closest you can get is probably the King James. It’s pretty much grown as the industry standard due to its user-friendly formatting and Oxford-standard translation which doesn’t risk any of the drama. No surprises then that this is the most widely printed version of the best-selling book in history, and what's more, it is in the public domain, allowing you to access the full text, for free, online, right now, right here.

When I was roughly 20 years young, I knew everything. I recall once sitting in the backseat of a car somewhere and my intoxicated horns were locked against a Christian’s halo. I was neck-deep in my proud atheist phase at that point and I was behaving as most atheists do, by using science and logic to swiftly undermine every single word this poor adversary served to me. Because that’s how any atheism vs religion debate goes, right? The worshiper confidently explains how immeasurably fulfilled his life has become since accepting Christ into his heart, and then I would laugh in his face as I demand evidence for such absurd statements. In a fluster, he would explain that it simply didn’t work that way, what he had was a faith, which in turn would only pour petrol upon my fires of condescending mockery. If you can’t prove it, then it doesn’t exist! Of course, I couldn’t disprove it either, but that was beside the point. Show me this imaginary friend you call God or you’re a delusional sheep even if you do seem much happier than me! Eventually, this kid gave up but, before he left, he did offer one final verbal gift to me and I never forgot it. He said, “Jared, whether the Bible is fictional or fact, there is no denying that whoever wrote it was a genius beyond any that came before us or any who have come since”. And I found myself stuck. I couldn’t argue against that. Because I had not read it.

Nor did I have any intention to. Bible, lol, what a waste of time. Although, oops, not so fast! Let's skip to over a decade later, when my atheism had softened and my humble agnosticism reigned supreme, allowing me to observe the spirituality of others without feeling the compulsion to vomit my views towards them. And from this open passive place, a slow-burning fascination towards all holy scripture began to vibrate then bubble then froth until it spilt over into my life as an all-encompassing (and painfully time-consuming) obsession. In 2016, I read the Quran just to arm myself with the necessary weaponry to shut Islamaphobes down, and I became hooked on the sense of importance that these books radiated into my mind as a deeper understanding for different people and their diverse root faiths. And what is more valuable than understanding? Right then I made a promise to complete one official religious book per year, and I am yet to let anyone down. Least of all me. Least of all GOD.

In 2017, I read the Satanic Bible, and in 2018, I read Dianetics (the first of the Scientology books). These three were specifically chosen as dots on a path of controversial doctrinal literature. I was intentionally pursuing misunderstood faiths, each one a little more questionable than the previous until I felt like I may have hit the bottom of that specific pattern. I mean, Scientology, right? Or maybe not. Regardless, by 2019, I felt the time had finally come to tackle the big boss. I could no longer boast to people how devoted I was to digesting sacred materials if I could not state that I'd consumed The Mother. The biggest religious text of all time. The most popular belief system on the planet still to this very day. And that is why, this year, I did it. I read the freaking Bible, man.

But before I drag you down into the dust of my opinions, here is a quick (but imperative) history lesson which you probably already know. The Bible itself is split into two sections, namely the Old Testament, and the New Testament. The Old Testament was created by essentially reworking the holy Hebrew Bible known as the Tanakh. A touch of reordering here and reinterpretations there followed by a mass amount of streamlining does mean that the two carry certain profound differences in their teachings. However, by either side’s account, once you’ve read one, you’ve basically got the gist of the other as it’s the same story. This is important because it is the first of many very clever moves by those who compiled the Bible. It means that the book was easily sellable, not as some “brand new thing”, but rather, an updated version of a former already well-established thing. This provided a smooth path of least resistance for those to follow, taking a slight detour onward to effortlessly slip from one belief to another. Even calling this first part the “Old Testament” was a sneaky undetected backhand on Christianity’s part, as it indicated that these teachings were no longer modern enough or were at very least incomplete. Because there was a new word on the block, can you handle it? What a total cheat manoeuvre this was, but all’s fair in love and war, and if history has taught us anything, this is a war.

Judaism is known as the first of the Abrahamic religions (religions which started with the prophet Abraham, duh) and Christianity is the sequel, sliding in with the fancy New Testament where Jesus blasts onto the scene armed with a whole fresh set of crazy ideas, many of which contradicted those from the former Jewish faith. Were you with him? Or against him? "Against him!" cried those who stuck to the traditional Jewish faith as they never really appreciated Jesus’ tone all that much. They eventually solved that pesky problem by murdering the dude way back when which, as it turns out, was a super silly move, accidentally martyring the self-proclaimed Only Son of God, helping Christianity to explode all across the globe not long afterwards.

Three centuries later and Islam entered the game as the third and final part of the Abrahamic saga and the trilogy was complete. Which movie was the best one is still open to debate, but if the stats are anything to go by, then Christianity still dominates the box office with 33% of the world’s population dedicated to the faith (Islam in second place with 24.1%, Judaism falling to 11th with 0.2%, according to 2012 survey results). One can only speculate, but I do wonder what would have happened if the Quran had included the Old and New Testament in their special book too, packaged and sold with the teachings of Muhammad as Chapter 3: The Final Testament or whatever. Then maybe... maybe we’d have a very different set of statistics on our hands right now (and potentially a very different world). Regardless, they did not do this, and so here we are, with around 60% of the Christian Bible applying to the Judaism faith too, which is worth keeping in mind throughout my review.

Ok! So when one starts reading the Bible, I think it’s understandable to predict a boring preachy text which is as outdated as it is difficult to understand. I’ve spent so much of my life in the company of arrogant heretics who consider every religion to be the “opium of the people”, which has distorted my preconceptions accordingly. I was anticipating the dumbest book my eyes had ever scoured. I was preparing to sugarcoat my review to avoid offending my lovely Christain friends whilst still sticking to my journalistic integrity and subtly tearing this scripture into a soup. It’s quite surprising, then, that the opposite ultimately rang true and I now realise that the vast majority of those people who viciously oppose the Bible have certainly not read it. This book offers so many qualities from so many different perspectives that it is no one general thing for you to easily despise. I’d even go so far as to claim that, no matter who you are, you could find some joyous verses here regardless of your cultural background or closed-minded convictions.

To prove this, I kept a tally of the Good Book’s genre-defying antics, and I believe I have compiled the ultimate list of stylistic grounds covered by the Bible. Are you ready? This publication is as follows: a prophetic vision of terrifying consequences; a soap opera far too reprehensible for prime time television; an excessively violent war story; a fantasy tale complete with sorcery and mythical monsters; a heartbreakingly cruel tragedy; an unintentional (?) comedy; and a book of poetry which genuinely revealed to me what true poetry could be, as its melodious use of language was no short of phenomenal, presenting such a depth of beauty even during times of such gruesome descriptions that my own writing has since grown extra fingers. It’s also an action-packed thriller; a superhero story (Jesus!); a medical journal; an exploration of erotic taboos; and one long death metal song stuffed with endless lyrical content so brutal that any band could easily fill a whole album with these verses alone (as I’m sure many have). Furthermore, there are assorted building instructions for construction workers, home improvement tips, and cooking recipes all included, while it obviously reads like a detailed history guide confidently mapping out a family tree right back until the dawn of time. So when I say the Bible has everything, then I mean it has everything. I’m not even sure what it’s missing? I mean, this paragraph alone demonstrates what a fascinatingly comprehensive piece of work the Bible is and, honestly, it deserves every single bit of attention it has received. Which also makes total sense, if you think about it. You can’t literally take over the entire world with a shit book, that much I assure you.

There's more. Perhaps one of the Bible's strongest standing assets is that these classic stories are such global phenomenons that you would already be familiar with many of the narratives. These are not only a thrill to hear via the original source but are also delivered at a surprisingly fast pace, featuring an array of well-known characters who are quickly loved then lost as these teachings don’t have time to get sentimental over such a daunting cast of prophets. Easy come, easy go. That is, of course, except for the central character of God himself, the star of the show, leading the Old Testament as the craziest most badass asshole I’ve met in any literary work ever. He is the omnipresent ruler of all things and nobody can escape him. He creates certain people just to favour them above others and then he smites them within the next breath when he’s having a moody day. He builds cities and fills them with enemies just so he can demand that his chosen ones invade these regions to destroy the men and keep the women, hahaha, nice one, God. This world he has built is solely for his own entertainment and we are nothing but toys in his sick sick game. And as the Bible goes on, his mental state slowly but noticeably deteriorates until he has spiralled into complete and utter madness. If this is indeed a fictional story, then I would love to shake the hand of the man who came up with this interpretation of God. What an exceptionally well-written character. He is unquestionably the evilest villain ever told.

Which brings us to the next most logical question: having now read the book, how legitimate do I think these so-called “historical testimonies” came across? Am I now more than ever convinced that this clever tale was merely an invention intended for mass manipulation? Or did I get the sense that there was some truth behind these accounts? And my answer is... I don’t know. Omg, so agnostic until the bitter end.

I’ll be honest though, there’s a strong case for either side of the argument. By today’s standard of any acceptable rationale, this is a tale of the furthest far of far fetchedness. Every shred of modern logic can only disregard how impossible and even ludicrous these proposals are. You’d either have to be psychotic or worryingly impressionable to buy into something so inconceivably delusional. But, then again, is this because we lack any reference point for such fantastical occurrences? Is the reason behind our effortless secular dismissals merely a direct result of us never seeing it happen?

Encouraged by this question, I disabled all bias and entered Google with blank intentions, interested to note that a curious trail did eventually start to emerge. Any doubt of the existence of these Biblical figures, most notably Jesus himself, were very recent theories, coming into popularity roughly around the early 1800s. That means that it took almost two millennia of a no-show Jesus just for us to question whether it was a fictional report or not. On the other side of the argument, Jesus himself has been documented in various texts outside of the Bible. The first known written works that mention the man are estimated to have come into circulation around 40 years after his death. That’s a relatively small window of time in which to invent a whole new person as well as to convince the world that he was the only son of God. Surely the people of Nazareth would have written their own documents saying stuff like, "There was no Jesus here 40 years ago, I was here the whole time"? In fact, if there ever was a community who would benefit from the disproval of Jesus, it would be those of the Jewish faith, but even they have ancient literature which confirms the man’s existence (although they disregard his magical abilities as nothing but a sneaky sorcerer). With just a little research, it comes abundantly clear that the vast majority of experts in all historical fields agree that there was once some guy named Jesus walking around our planet. Perhaps his acts have been exaggerated or perhaps certain evidence was developed to garner a stronger following (or perhaps not?), but the fact is that this man changed our world more than any other recorded individual who has ever set foot on our lands. It’s been over 2000 years, people! We all like to talk about celebrities, but this guy was levels upon levels above anything our feeble Hollywood minds could fathom. And that’s incredibly exciting to me.

Another proponent which strengthens the Bible’s word is its unnecessary amount of detail. Countless lines of ancestry are dotted out for pages and pages and pages whilst mundane historical events are elaborately described complete with precise locations, many of which you can still visit today. Furthermore, seeing as these “chapters” (referred to as books within the book) are each written by different people (a fact that any reader can attest to due to frustratingly inconsistent quality of the language), it’s fascinating how these stories often disagree about smaller details, just like any group of witnesses would remember certain specifics differently. If your sole objective was to reinforce an impenetrable lie, why would you intentionally bore the reader with insignificant information which serves no purpose? Why would you go out of your way to create separate eyewitness testimonies that are not 100% concurrent? Once again, this is either the work of a genius (or geniuses) so far ahead of their time that even the most convincing writers of today have not caught up yet, or these are genuine accounts from people who wholeheartedly testified for the same incidents.

Then again, there have been plenty of studies which suggest various historical inaccuracies littered throughout the Bible, so what are we supposed to do? Because, the simple matter is that the depth of these teachings have been investigated and analysed and scrutinised with more vigour than any other book in existence, and yet nobody has truly reached the bottom. Hell, nobody can even agree where the bottom is! But I do know one thing for certain, and it’s this: whether God or some sneaky author, whoever invented the idea that snipping the foreskin off of the penis was imperative to enlightenment was a fucking weirdo. At what point did genital mutilation become so tied in with religion? That’s some seriously messed up stuff to the point that I’d rather blame a crazy higher power than a human being for a practice so barbaric. I believe in God for reasons of my dick.

Side note: I am circumcised. And I love it. But not for any spiritual purposes. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I have a theory of my own, if you've got a moment? So, like back in the old days, maybe God used to talk directly to people. Maybe he was the energy of the Universe personifying itself so that we could understand him better. Or maybe he was the spokesperson for the alien colony who procreated with monkeys to invent our genetic line, playing a fun game with our minds. Or maybe he was Santa Clause on a cloud. These details are irrelevant. Rather, what matters is that this entity sought out specific personalities then gave them instructions, creating prophets. Now, history tends to associate prophets with a very select few individuals but in the Bible alone there were quite a number of them, which begs the question, how many more never made the script? Thousands? In fact, there were probably prophets from the “enemy” side too, “God” giving them opposing instructions just to watch them fight. Is the Bible merely a very small fragment of a much bigger story? Except this just so happened to be the only side they wrote down and ultimately it conquered the world? Could be! Regardless, nobody doubted these prophets because they could also prove their worth via special magic tricks that God blessed them with and everyone would be cool with it. It's no big deal, it happened all the time back then. It was just a part of life. It’s well documented throughout history.

Eventually, God lost interest in us or humans bred too much and he couldn’t keep up or whatever. So he went off to look at another project which meant that there was no one to fulfil the prophecies or answer prayers anymore. Meanwhile, society continued to believe in the virtues of living a kind life, but they also watched as evil men stood upon their heads to climb to the top, ruling the world with sin while no plagues infested their homes and their firstborns lived prosperous lives. Naturally, individuals began to question all of their previous teachings which didn’t match up to the promised results. Because it had been a long time and all they had were stories passed down from the older generations from when God used to be involved. If the humans could still remember seeing a dude swallowed up by the Earth or if someone’s grandad had witnessed God bringing a dead man to life, no one would dare deny the power of the almighty. Once again, these miraculous events are rife throughout historic texts. But when too many years/decades/centuries had passed without incident, people became doubtful and understandably stopped believing in God. Because God stopped believing in us. Or maybe he got lost. Or maybe he died after all.

Another sideline of my theory is that God is actually still talking to us but we’ve intellectualised the voice to such a clear degree that we now work with it, claiming it as our own thoughts, labelling it our “inner monologue” or “intuition” or “urges” or “callings” when, in actual fact, these are small divine interventions where God is guiding us. Except he no longer has a claim to these words because we’ve been taught that this voice is our own mind. Or perhaps new prophets are still being called upon every single day, but our society no longer has a place for them so we lock those crazies up. Perhaps God is alive and well, and Jesus has come again, but the men at the top of the capitalist food chain have suppressed these ideas and hidden the chosen ones just in case they mess with the precious economic system they’ve built to serve themselves. Or... perhaps not.

We could weave an intricate nest of hypothesis in various directions, but while the mental wankery is fun, my true gut feeling is that the Bible was the result of potentially the longest Chinese whisper ever. There could be a ton of truth to its core ideas which grew many sizes larger than itself and then got stuck, no longer relevant to our lives. It makes no difference to me anyway. Because, even if this is one bloated adaptation of the genuine facts, I sincerely appreciate the exaggerations and mistruths. It made for a much more entertaining read.

Moving on, and it should come as no surprise that the Bible wasn’t the easiest of literature to endure. Easy to understand, sure. Surprisingly so. But very difficult in all other aspects. It’s long. The font was tiny. The stories meander often. There are so many characters that you can quickly fall behind, suddenly misplaced because you briefly dropped your attention yet you're far too fatigued to find your way back. And all the while you have to perpetually pretend that this is just a fantasy novel, not the world’s most dominant religion’s scripture because, damn, this is not a friendly book. This is a book of hate, a book of jealousy, a book of war, a book of oppression, a book of death. And, like, not only in the context of the hundreds of thousands of lives tortured and lost upon these very pages but also the millions who have suffered in one way or another since. Atheists, go ahead and high-five eachother when I say this: I severely struggle to comprehend how any modern-day person can find some sort of a life meaning or spiritual dedication within such viciously ugly guidelines. But people do. And that’s fucking dangerous. Someone who believes that these exact words are the true path to God is the type of person I am unsure should be allowed to walk free in our society.

On the flip side, however, none of the above complaints are anything new in terms of religious scripture, especially from the Abrahamic timeline. I felt the same way about the Bible as I did the Quran, in that a book so old would never be relevant to how we run our lives now because we’ve evolved beyond the era where these words were intended to accommodate. And, in my experience, most contemporary followers understand that. Using this approach, we can then strip away many of the more savage notions as a product of the time until we are left with the core messages, which remain as easy-to-follow stepping stones towards bettering yourself as a person whilst nurturing the spiritual component we all harness within ourselves (no matter how dormant). Belief in a higher power is as simple as the understanding that you are not the highest power, and this realisation alone can turn you into a nicer being.

Look, at the end of the day, the Tanakh/Old Testament and the New Testament and the Quran all hold a mystical quality no matter what your personal position is. Of course, there’s the horrific side to this conversation if you wish to focus upon it, but even in these poisons, there is a greater beauty to be found. Like how these pieces of literature have developed to such a large scale that individuals have literally lost themselves in them. Or how works so old have survived for so long, that amazes me. But beyond even this, a lot of genuine good has come from religion too (if you can open your mind wide enough for it). Some of the most timeless art pieces and architectural constructions were inspired by scripture. People throughout the ages have felt a power in these words so potent that it encouraged them to go out and help others, often at the cost of their own lives. And, of course, the books themselves have offered us so many themes to ponder, assisting the debates about God and the Universe and where exactly we all fit into this infinitely abstract picture. Even if you loathe religion and scoff at these texts, at least appreciate that they are the most important works in human history. Think of the highest critically acclaimed novel you’ve ever read and then ask yourself, was it as culturally significant as the Bible? You say you appreciate the classics, then why not appreciate The Ultimate Classic? And so, once more with feeling, if someone made all of this up and subsequently managed to influence almost every single aspect of the human experience that followed, then more respect to them. They were far smarter than any of us to pull something like this off. They were geniuses beyond any literacy geniuses I know of today. Nobody has ever written anything on par with the Bible, and it seems unlikely that anyone ever will.

Winding down into a personal position, I must confess that this piece did work some magic on my mind too. The more pages I turned, the more my thoughts began to morph into poetic verses while my inner monologue boomed with louder volumes. When I took the necessary breaks from this printed onslaught, I found myself craving it. When I read the book, I did so standing up with my right hand in the air. It was always between every line of my thoughts and I couldn’t shake the sense that I was on a mission of deep exploration, one of which I have hardly even explored. And it blessed me with endless creative ideas and philosophical questions, each branching off from this very strange history left behind us, so intricately woven into our society that so much of our current shape is a direct cause of it. You can feel this energy when you read the Bible. There’s a strength in here which challenges everything we know with a worrying amount of certainty. And, somehow, as the most spoken-about text of all time, it lived up to the hype completely. I fell in love with the Bible as one of the greatest books I’ve ever finished and I feel honoured to have enriched my brain with this information. It’s mine now and I treasure that.

And thus concludes my lengthy opinion of the Bible, did you enjoy it? Although what does that matter? There are so many conflicting opinions out there, my speck of a contribution does not even register on the greater cake of everything. Instead, what matters is your opinion and how I can help you work that out for yourself. That’s why (like every religious text I've conquered), I’ve taken things to the next level and picked out what I consider to be the most fascinating verses just for you to mull over and suckle your own conclusions from. Of course, I could not relay the complete coherent story to you without writing the whole damn thing down, so a lot of my choices are taken out of context and often for reasons of immaturity. BUT! But... I promise you, that if you get through this full article, then you will be at the top of the class when it comes to your next Biblical argument. I know it’s a long read but it’s also a much shorter read than the actual Bible itself, take it from me on that one.

Good luck and... God bless?

Read This Next Maybe

I Read the Quran So You Don't Have To

THE OLD
TESTAMENT

BOOK OF GENESIS

1:1 - In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

What puts this scripture ahead is that is starts from the very beginning of everythng. That's a powerful first move.

1:11 - And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
1:12 - And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

I like the seed bit.

1:24 - And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

It refers to "creeping thing" a few times throughout this book, it's adorable.

1:26 - And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
1:27 - So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
1:28 - And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Uh oh, here comes trouble. Bad move, God!

1:29 - And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
1:30 - And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

Didn't Cypress Hill sample 29? Also, 30 is against a plant-based diet. You're welcome, meat-eaters.

2:2 - And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
2:3 - And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

The Sabbath is born, which in context of this book, is a massive deal.

2:17 - But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

But they did eat it and they didn't die, so what's up with that fib, Lordy? Metaphorical death, I suppose.

2:21 - And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
2:22 - And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
2:23 - And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Creation of woman. How does that final sentence fair in different languages? Because English grammar scholars disagree. Regardless, what was it that Nietzsche quote? "Woman was God's second mistake".

3:4 - And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
3:5 - For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

Look at this! Right there! That's the Devil telling the truth! He's pointing out God's previous lies! From the beginning, Satan was on our side. It's in the Bible.

3:7 - And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.
3:8 - And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.
3:9 - And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
3:10 - And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
3:11 - And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
3:12 - And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

Haha straight-up snitching, IT WAS THE WOMAN'S FAULT! SHE MADE ME DO IT!

3:16 - Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Where my feminist Christians be at?

4:8 - And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.
4:9 - And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
4:10 - And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.

Brother murder. I love that God heard the blood crying from the ground, that's strong writing.

4:17 - And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.

A random wife suddenly appears despite there being like five people on the planet or whatever.

5:3 - And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth:
5:4 - And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters:
5:5 - And all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years: and he died.

Old! I also came across one of my notes here that read "Who the fuck is making this shit up? It’s rad fun".

5:18 - And Jared lived an hundred sixty and two years, and he begat Enoch:
5:19 - And Jared lived after he begat Enoch eight hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:
5:20 - And all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty and two years: and he died.

That's me! There's basically just lines and lines and lines of family history here. This book tends to do that from time to time.

6:4 - There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

GIANTS!

6:5 - And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
6:6 - And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.
6:7 - And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
6:8 - But Noah found grace in the eyes of the LORD.

God decides to Ctrl Alt Delete. But, as per usual, he had his favourite.

6:13 - And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.
6:14 - Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.

Classic Bible story, this one.

8:1 - And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged;

God remembered?? Wait, was there a chance he was going to forget??

9:20 - And Noah began to be an husbandman, and he planted a vineyard:
9:21 - And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.
9:22 - And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
9:23 - And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness.
9:24 - And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.

This is weird. So seeing your dad's naked is a super bad thing?

11:4 - And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.

11:9 - Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the LORD scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

The invention of language.

16:1 - Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.
16:2 - And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.
16:3 - And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife.
16:4 - And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.
16:5 - And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.
16:6 - But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.

Abraham is Abram now. His wife hooked him up. It's also worth noting that Abraham and God were super tight at this point, like best mates.

17:9 - And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.
17:10 - This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.
17:11 - And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.
17:12 - And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.
17:13 - He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.
17:14 - And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

So there’s that bit. It's a constant throughout, right until the very end. You can't enter Heaven unless you've had a bit of your willy chopped off. Super logical. I have though, just by the way.

17:15 - And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

Still an insanely popular name to this very day.

17:16 - And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.
17:17 - Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

Abraham rolf'd there. Rofl'ing at God.

17:24 - And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.

Yeech.

18:17 - And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;

Who are you even talking to?

19:26 - But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

I got a fright when I read this at first, I was like, noooo Sarah! But it was Lot's wife, so it's all good, the soapy continues.

19:31 - And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:
19:32 - Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
19:33 - And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
19:34 - And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
19:35 - And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
19:36 - Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

Of all the craziness of the Bible, this is always my go-to wtf story. Just in case you missed it, Lot's two daughters got him drunk and raped him on two separate occasions, each having a baby with him. And there's no moral story here. Nothing bad happens to them in the slightest for this action. It's not even told in the context of being a sinful story, it's just very matter-of-fact, this is what happened, and then the book moves on. So mental.

21:7 - And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age.

Children suck! I'm assuming this means breastfeeding though.

22:9 - And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.
22:10 - And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.
22:11 - And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.
22:12 - And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

How weird is God though? He spirals further into madness the more this book goes, it's a measurable progression which feels all too real to me. Why is God like this?

22:17 - That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;
22:18 - And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.

Father Abraham had many sons. Many sons had father Abraham. Too many, really.

23:1 - And Sarah was an hundred and seven and twenty years old: these were the years of the life of Sarah.
23:2 - And Sarah died in Kirjatharba; the same is Hebron in the land of Canaan: and Abraham came to mourn for Sarah, and to weep for her.

Nooooo SARAH!

25:7 - And these are the days of the years of Abraham's life which he lived, an hundred threescore and fifteen years.
25:8 - Then Abraham gave up the ghost, and died in a good old age, an old man, and full of years; and was gathered to his people.

There goes Abraham, although at this point it became obvious that Isaac (Abraham and Sarah's son) was taking over the story.

25:21 - And Isaac intreated the LORD for his wife, because she was barren: and the LORD was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived.
25:22 - And the children struggled together within her; and she said, If it be so, why am I thus? And she went to enquire of the LORD.
25:23 - And the LORD said unto her, Two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger.

I just like the way this was written, God always knew what to say.

25:24 - And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb.
25:25 - And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.
25:26 - And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.
25:27 - And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.
25:28 - And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob.

Family politics, eh?

27:11 - And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:

It’s about Isaac ability to tell his sons apart, but, out of context, it’s so great.

27:16 - And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck:

Ok so, like, Isaac was blind by this point and had but one blessing to give to one son. So his wife Rebekah ensured that Jacob, her favourite, received the blessing by disguising him up to feel hairy like Esau (who was Abraham's favourite, obviously in the lead for the blessing). It's a dick move and Esau was really mad when he found out what had happened. It’s a strange tale.

29:17 - Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

Remember this for later.

29:30 - And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

Ok, so this soap opera subplot was weird. Jacob dedicated seven years of service to a guy named Laban in order to marry his youngest daughter, Rachel. But after the time was up, Laban gave him Leah instead. Jacob was forced to work even more and then he got Rachel too...? Something like that.

29:31 - And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

Cool, so God figured he'd help somehow by making Leah pregnant four times with four sons for Jacob.

30:1 - And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.
30:2 - And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?
30:3 - And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.
30:4 - And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.

So Rachel figures the best solution was to get her handmaiden to have a baby with Jacob, and then she could claim it.

30:9 - When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

Right, so Leah countered Rachel's move by playing the exact same card. So for those keeping score, Jacob is currently sleeping with four women and they have eight sons between them. Two more sons and one daughter come along some paragraphs later, all by Leah.

30:22 - And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.

Haha God remembered Rachel, like, oh yeah! You can have babies now, I forgot to tell you. Congrats, it's another boy.

31:34 - Now Rachel had taken the images, and put them in the camel's furniture, and sat upon them. And Laban searched all the tent, but found them not.
31:34 - And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched, but found not the images.

Rachel stole images from her father earlier and here is a good sneak. Images are another word idols.

32:24 - And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
32:25 - And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
32:26 - And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.
32:27 - And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
32:28 - And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.

Haha, simpler times? I will beat a blessing out of you. Also please note the name change just to make our lives less confusing.

34:13 - And the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, because he had defiled Dinah their sister:
34:14 - And they said unto them, We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised; for that were a reproach unto us:
34:15 - But in this will we consent unto you: If ye will be as we be, that every male of you be circumcised;
34:16 - Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.
34:17 - But if ye will not hearken unto us, to be circumcised; then will we take our daughter, and we will be gone.
34:18 - And their words pleased Hamor, and Shechem Hamor's son.
34:19 - And the young man deferred not to do the thing, because he had delight in Jacob's daughter: and he was more honourable than all the house of his father.
34:20 - And Hamor and Shechem his son came unto the gate of their city, and communed with the men of their city, saying,
34:21 - These men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters.
34:22 - Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised.
34:23 - Shall not their cattle and their substance and every beast of theirs be ours? only let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us.
34:24 - And unto Hamor and unto Shechem his son hearkened all that went out of the gate of his city; and every male was circumcised, all that went out of the gate of his city.

Such a weird deal. So their sister was raped and the solution was to convince the rapists to circumcise themselves and then they could trade girls like Pokémon.

34:25 - And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males.
34:26 - And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went out.
34:27 - The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister.
34:28 - They took their sheep, and their oxen, and their asses, and that which was in the city, and that which was in the field,
34:29 - And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house.

Ok, this is more like it (albeit way hectic). So after getting the men to cut their foreskins off, they destroyed the whole city anyway, killing all men, enslaving all women. Don't rape these dude's sister is the moral of the story.

35:18 - And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Benoni: but his father called him Benjamin.
35:19 - And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem.
35:20 - And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel's grave unto this day.

Rachel dies during labour. You can actually visit her tomb today, which is pretty amazing.

37:3 - Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colours.
37:4 - And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him.;

Joseph was Israel’s favourite which is never a good way to start.

37:31 - And they took Joseph's coat, and killed a kid of the goats, and dipped the coat in the blood;
37:32 - And they sent the coat of many colours, and they brought it to their father; and said, This have we found: know now whether it be thy son's coat or no.
37:33 - And he knew it, and said, It is my son's coat; an evil beast hath devoured him; Joseph is without doubt rent in pieces.
37:34 - And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days.
37:35 - And all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him.

So Joseph's brothers sold him to Ishmeelites for 20 pieces of silver and then played this trick to make it look like he had been eaten.

38:6 - And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar.
38:7 - And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.
38:8 - And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
38:9 - And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
38:10 - And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

He came on the ground. The first pull-out in history? So God killed him.

38:16 - And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?
38:17 - And he said, I will send thee a kid from the flock. And she said, Wilt thou give me a pledge, till thou send it?
38:18 - And he said, What pledge shall I give thee? And she said, Thy signet, and thy bracelets, and thy staff that is in thine hand. And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him.

Haha classic male/female dynamic. Boy desires sexual interaction, girl wants a material trade for said sexual interaction.

43:32 - And they set on for him by himself, and for them by themselves, and for the Egyptians, which did eat with him, by themselves: because the Egyptians might not eat bread with the Hebrews; for that is an abomination unto the Egyptians.

There's a lot going around this point that it's difficult to keep my notes up tp date. But basically, there's a famine on and Jacob is sending children to get food from Joseph. Regardless, the segregation between Hebrews and Egyptians is interesting.

44:1 - And he commanded the steward of his house, saying, Fill the men's sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put every man's money in his sack's mouth.
44:2 - And put my cup, the silver cup, in the sack's mouth of the youngest, and his corn money. And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.
44:3 - As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away, they and their asses.
44:4 - And when they were gone out of the city, and not yet far off, Joseph said unto his steward, Up, follow after the men; and when thou dost overtake them, say unto them, Wherefore have ye rewarded evil for good?
44:5 - Is not this it in which my lord drinketh, and whereby indeed he divineth? ye have done evil in so doing.

What a wicked game, hiding goods in their sacks so they can be framed for thievery later.

45:26 - And told him, saying, Joseph is yet alive, and he is governor over all the land of Egypt. And Jacob's heart fainted, for he believed them not.

"Heart fainted" is a lovely way of saying it.

47:17 - And they brought their cattle unto Joseph: and Joseph gave them bread in exchange for horses, and for the flocks, and for the cattle of the herds, and for the asses: and he fed them with bread for all their cattle for that year.

Bread was quite a valuable currency during this age.

47:24 - And it shall come to pass in the increase, that ye shall give the fifth part unto Pharaoh, and four parts shall be your own, for seed of the field, and for your food, and for them of your households, and for food for your little ones.

The beginning of tax.

48:17 - And when Joseph saw that his father laid his right hand upon the head of Ephraim, it displeased him: and he held up his father's hand, to remove it from Ephraim's head unto Manasseh's head.
48:18 - And Joseph said unto his father, Not so, my father: for this is the firstborn; put thy right hand upon his head.
48:19 - And his father refused, and said, I know it, my son, I know it: he also shall become a people, and he also shall be great: but truly his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his seed shall become a multitude of nations.

People had no problem picking favourite children back in the day.

49:11 - Binding his foal unto the vine, and his ass's colt unto the choice vine; he washed his garments in wine, and his clothes in the blood of grapes:
49:12 - His eyes shall be red with wine, and his teeth white with milk.

I don't know what’s going on but I like it.

50:26 - So Joseph died, being an hundred and ten years old: and they embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt.

Jacob, the father, died then Joseph died too, forgiving those who betrayed him. This ends Genesis quite nicely.

BOOK OF EXODUS

1:15 - And the king of Egypt spake to the Hebrew midwives, of which the name of the one was Shiphrah, and the name of the other Puah:
1:16 - And he said, When ye do the office of a midwife to the Hebrew women, and see them upon the stools; if it be a son, then ye shall kill him: but if it be a daughter, then she shall live.

The new king of Egypt is a super dick. The midwives refused to do this though.

2:2 - And the woman conceived, and bare a son: and when she saw him that he was a goodly child, she hid him three months.
2:3 - And when she could not longer hide him, she took for him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime and with pitch, and put the child therein; and she laid it in the flags by the river's brink.

Here's Moses! And that's where this whole mess truly started.

3:2 - And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a flame of fire out of the midst of a bush: and he looked, and, behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.

Yet another Bible classic.

3:14 - And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you.

Haha! This sounds like a Monty Python bit to me.

4:1 - And Moses answered and said, But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The LORD hath not appeared unto thee.
4:2 - And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod.
4:3 - And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it.
4:4 - And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand:
4:5 - That they may believe that the LORD God of their fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath appeared unto thee.
4:6 - And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow.
4:7 - And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh.
4:8 - And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe thee, neither hearken to the voice of the first sign, that they will believe the voice of the latter sign.

Yup, that would be pretty convincing.

4:25 - Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.

Hardcore stuff right there, yeech.

6:3 - And I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them.

So here's where that Jehovah moniker is explitedly stated.

7:10 - And Moses and Aaron went in unto Pharaoh, and they did so as the LORD had commanded: and Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it became a serpent.
7:11 - Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments.
7:12 - For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: but Aaron's rod swallowed up their rods.

Magic battle!

7:17 - Thus saith the LORD, In this thou shalt know that I am the LORD: behold, I will smite with the rod that is in mine hand upon the waters which are in the river, and they shall be turned to blood.
7:18 - And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river.

Unleash the power. This is God's way of helping Moses to set the Israelites free.

8:2 - And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs:
8:3 - And the river shall bring forth frogs abundantly, which shall go up and come into thine house, and into thy bedchamber, and upon thy bed, and into the house of thy servants, and upon thy people, and into thine ovens, and into thy kneadingtroughs:

The curses continued strong and fast from here, there were plagues of lice and flies, cattle were dying, the people became infected with boils etc.

9:12 - And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses.

You see, here’s the problem with the entire concept of religion. God is in full control and he's playing games.

9:24 - So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous, such as there was none like it in all the land of Egypt since it became a nation.

Maximum flex God! ::strong arm emoji:: ::fire emoji::

10:4 - Else, if thou refuse to let my people go, behold, to morrow will I bring the locusts into thy coast:
10:5 - And they shall cover the face of the earth, that one cannot be able to see the earth: and they shall eat the residue of that which is escaped, which remaineth unto you from the hail, and shall eat every tree which groweth for you out of the field:
10:6 - And they shall fill thy houses, and the houses of all thy servants, and the houses of all the Egyptians; which neither thy fathers, nor thy fathers' fathers have seen, since the day that they were upon the earth unto this day. And he turned himself, and went out from Pharaoh.

Another spate of crazy curses, Pharaoh just ain’t learning!

11:5 - And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill; and all the firstborn of beasts.
11:6 - And there shall be a great cry throughout all the land of Egypt, such as there was none like it, nor shall be like it any more.
11:7 - But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue, against man or beast: that ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel.

Here is the big curse.

12:3 - Speak ye unto all the congregation of Israel, saying, In the tenth day of this month they shall take to them every man a lamb, according to the house of their fathers, a lamb for an house:
12:4 - And if the household be too little for the lamb, let him and his neighbour next unto his house take it according to the number of the souls; every man according to his eating shall make your count for the lamb.
12:5 - Your lamb shall be without blemish, a male of the first year: ye shall take it out from the sheep, or from the goats:
12:6 - And ye shall keep it up until the fourteenth day of the same month: and the whole assembly of the congregation of Israel shall kill it in the evening.
12:7 - And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses, wherein they shall eat it.
12:8 - And they shall eat the flesh in that night, roast with fire, and unleavened bread; and with bitter herbs they shall eat it.
12:9 - Eat not of it raw, nor sodden at all with water, but roast with fire; his head with his legs, and with the purtenance thereof.
12:10 - And ye shall let nothing of it remain until the morning; and that which remaineth of it until the morning ye shall burn with fire.
12:11 - And thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the LORD'S passover.
12:12 - For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the LORD.

Witchcraft!

12:30 - And Pharaoh rose up in the night, he, and all his servants, and all the Egyptians; and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead.

This curse finally worked and Pharaoh was like, "Ok go!", setting the Israelites free.

13:21 - And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night:

A pretty epic display to lead the way.

14:4 - And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. And they did so.

Once again, God is playing horrible games. Pharaoh decides to go after the Israelites again, but only because God made him do it. How do you win?

14:21 - And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the LORD caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided.

Another one of the bigger Biblical stories, done. Pharoah's army is destroyed. This is arguably the most important part of the entire Old Testament because God never lets this go. For the rest of these texts, he'd always like, "Yeah, but remember what I did for you guys literally hundreds of years ago," it's the main act he holds over their head for eternity.

15:3 - The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.

Eek!

16:4 - Then said the LORD unto Moses, Behold, I will rain bread from heaven for you; and the people shall go out and gather a certain rate every day, that I may prove them, whether they will walk in my law, or no.

It's raining bread, hallelujah!

20:1 - And God spake all these words, saying,

The 10 Commandments follow here. What's weird to learn is that the word "neighbour" does not literally mean mankind, it's quite literally your neighbour, which we shall learn more about as we go on.

20:5 - Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;

He's a jelly lord.

21:2 - If thou buy an Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve: and in the seventh he shall go out free for nothing.

This is one of those bits that may cause one to shudder. Giving permission for slaves, in a way. However, in context of the ages, it was probably a great step forward, putting a limit onto the practice of six years rather than indefinitely.
From this point until 23, it was just a bunch of laws one should follow.

21:24 - Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot,
21:25 - Burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.
21:26 - And if a man smite the eye of his servant, or the eye of his maid, that it perish; he shall let him go free for his eye's sake.
21:27 - And if he smite out his manservant's tooth, or his maidservant's tooth; he shall let him go free for his tooth's sake.

When someone tells you that the Bible preaches peace and love, use this passage to argue against their cause, especually in regards to the Old Testament.

22:18 - Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.

Burn the witch!

24:17 - And the sight of the glory of the LORD was like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel.

Ever wonder what God looks like? Here you go.

25:8 - And let them make me a sanctuary; that I may dwell among them.

From here until forever it’s basically an instruction manual on how to build altars and uniforms and whatever else. It goes on for a long time, it keeps coming back to it, and it was very boring.

29:10 - And thou shalt cause a bullock to be brought before the tabernacle of the congregation: and Aaron and his sons shall put their hands upon the head of the bullock.

Remember: Satanists don’t sacrifice animals, Jews/Christians do.

30:12 - When thou takest the sum of the children of Israel after their number, then shall they give every man a ransom for his soul unto the LORD, when thou numberest them; that there be no plague among them, when thou numberest them.
30:13 - This they shall give, every one that passeth among them that are numbered, half a shekel after the shekel of the sanctuary: (a shekel is twenty gerahs:) an half shekel shall be the offering of the LORD.
30:14 - Every one that passeth among them that are numbered, from twenty years old and above, shall give an offering unto the LORD.
30:15 - The rich shall not give more, and the poor shall not give less than half a shekel, when they give an offering unto the LORD, to make an atonement for your souls.

Buy your soul back.

31:15 - Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

A bit harsh! I always work on Sunday. This is the main commandment which has fallen away in modern ages.

32:2 - And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me.
32:3 - And all the people brake off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them unto Aaron.
32:4 - And he received them at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a molten calf: and they said, These be thy gods, O Israel, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt.
32:5 - And when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it; and Aaron made proclamation, and said, To morrow is a feast to the LORD.

In Moses' absence, these people went crazy and needed to worship something! Anything! Help, we are overflowing with unused worship! Aaron is Moses' brother, by the way. This was a bad move on his part.

32:19 - And it came to pass, as soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses' anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount.
32:20 - And he took the calf which they had made, and burnt it in the fire, and ground it to powder, and strawed it upon the water, and made the children of Israel drink of it.

I knew he broke the word of God, that's a commonly told Bible story, but forcing the people to consume the idol they had fashioned from gold? That was new to me.

32:25 - And when Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked unto their shame among their enemies:)
32:26 - Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said, Who is on the LORD'S side? let him come unto me. And all the sons of Levi gathered themselves together unto him.
32:27 - And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.
32:28 - And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.

This is such dodgy behaviour.

34:14 - For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

Is this a little weird or is it just me?

34:15 - Lest thou make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, and they go a whoring after their gods, and do sacrifice unto their gods, and one call thee, and thou eat of his sacrifice;
34:16 - And thou take of their daughters unto thy sons, and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods.
34:17 - Thou shalt make thee no molten gods.

I don’t understand all of this, but it seems like fun.

BOOK OF LEVITICUS

This entire book was well boring.

1:2 - Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man of you bring an offering unto the LORD, ye shall bring your offering of the cattle, even of the herd, and of the flock.

Tons of meat sacrifices follow this, not great for a vegetarian.

4:3 - If the priest that is anointed do sin according to the sin of the people; then let him bring for his sin, which he hath sinned, a young bullock without blemish unto the LORD for a sin offering.

So, basically, if a priest sins, murder an innocent animal and we’re all good. Same practive for congregations, rulers, individuals, anyone basically.

6:14 - And this is the law of the meat offering: the sons of Aaron shall offer it before the LORD, before the altar.
6:15 - And he shall take of it his handful, of the flour of the meat offering, and of the oil thereof, and all the frankincense which is upon the meat offering, and shall burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour, even the memorial of it, unto the LORD.
6:16 - And the remainder thereof shall Aaron and his sons eat: with unleavened bread shall it be eaten in the holy place; in the court of the tabernacle of the congregation they shall eat it.
6:17 - It shall not be baken with leaven. I have given it unto them for their portion of my offerings made by fire; it is most holy, as is the sin offering, and as the trespass offering.
6:18 - All the males among the children of Aaron shall eat of it. It shall be a statute for ever in your generations concerning the offerings of the LORD made by fire: every one that toucheth them shall be holy.

If you sin, cook a meal and feed these guys. According to these guys, of course.

6:20 - This is the offering of Aaron and of his sons, which they shall offer unto the LORD in the day when he is anointed; the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a meat offering perpetual, half of it in the morning, and half thereof at night.
6:21 - In a pan it shall be made with oil; and when it is baken, thou shalt bring it in: and the baken pieces of the meat offering shalt thou offer for a sweet savour unto the LORD.

Here's a little recipe for ya.

7:24 - And the fat of the beast that dieth of itself, and the fat of that which is torn with beasts, may be used in any other use: but ye shall in no wise eat of it.
7:25 - For whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which men offer an offering made by fire unto the LORD, even the soul that eateth it shall be cut off from his people.
7:26 - Moreover ye shall eat no manner of blood, whether it be of fowl or of beast, in any of your dwellings.

Don't eat fat or blood, though, because that would be wrong.

9:24 - And there came a fire out from before the LORD, and consumed upon the altar the burnt offering and the fat: which when all the people saw, they shouted, and fell on their faces.

Hahaha, in my head this looks funny.

10:1 - And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not.
10:2 - And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD.

So harsh. They made a simple mistake and it's like, YOU DIE.

11:7 - And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.

Don’t eat pigs.

11:12 - Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

Do not eat shrimp, lobster, scallops, mussels, oysters, squid, octopus, and crabs.

11:21 - Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth;

Flying Creeping Things, cool band name,

11:43 - Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth, neither shall ye make yourselves unclean with them, that ye should be defiled thereby.

Creeping thing that creepeth, lol.

13:2 - When a man shall have in the skin of his flesh a rising, a scab, or bright spot, and it be in the skin of his flesh like the plague of leprosy; then he shall be brought unto Aaron the priest, or unto one of his sons the priests:

From here it plays doctor, going on and on about recognising skin ailments as a guide for priests.

17:7 - And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. This shall be a statute for ever unto them throughout their generations.

First explicit mention of devils?

18:6 - None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.
18:7 - The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
18:8 - The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.
18:9 - The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.
18:10 - The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.
18:11 - The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
18:12 - Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.
18:13 - Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.
18:14 - Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.
18:15 - Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.
18:16 - Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.
18:17 - Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.
18:18 - Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.

This goes on, but is very important information if someone has any sex doubts?

18:19 - Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.
18:20 - Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour's wife, to defile thyself with her.
18:21 - And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD.
18:22 - Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
18:23 - Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.

Here's some of that anti-gay stuff everyone goes on about. It also covers beastiality, if you're interested.

19:27 - Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.
19:28 - Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.
19:29 - Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.
19:30 - Ye shall keep my sabbaths, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the LORD.
19:31 - Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.
19:32 - Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD.

A lot of weird and wonderful information there. 19:28 was the verse that killed Bob Marley. Come to think of it, how does circumcision come into that? I also love how God appears to spazz out every now and then, I am the LORD!

20:9 - For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
20:10 - And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
20:11 - And the man that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
20:12 - And if a man lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their blood shall be upon them.
20:13 - If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
20:14 - And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.
20:15 - And if a man lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.
20:16 - And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
20:17 - And if a man shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.
20:18 - And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.
20:19 - And thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister, nor of thy father's sister: for he uncovereth his near kin: they shall bear their iniquity.
20:20 - And if a man shall lie with his uncle's wife, he hath uncovered his uncle's nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall die childless.
20:21 - And if a man shall take his brother's wife, it is an unclean thing: he hath uncovered his brother's nakedness; they shall be childless.

The rules of incest are covered here, basically punishable by death, the lot of it. Also, if you have sex with an animal, you must be killed and the poor animal you raped must be killed too. One should also exiled if they have intercourse during menstruation, so now you know, sinner.

21:9 - And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.

Not drastic at all.

21:18 - For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
21:19 - Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,
21:20 - Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
21:21 - No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.
21:22 - He shall eat the bread of his God, both of the most holy, and of the holy.
21:23 - Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.

You can’t be a priest if you’re weird in any physical way.

24:16 - And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the LORD, shall be put to death.

Stone the blasphemous man.

26:3 - If ye walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them;
26:4 - Then I will give you rain in due season, and the land shall yield her increase, and the trees of the field shall yield their fruit.
26:5 - And your threshing shall reach unto the vintage, and the vintage shall reach unto the sowing time: and ye shall eat your bread to the full, and dwell in your land safely.
26:6 - And I will give peace in the land, and ye shall lie down, and none shall make you afraid: and I will rid evil beasts out of the land, neither shall the sword go through your land.
26:7 - And ye shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword.
26:8 - And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.
26:9 - For I will have respect unto you, and make you fruitful, and multiply you, and establish my covenant with you.

So after a long list of horrible curses that God shall rain upon you if you're bad, here are the rewards you get if you're good. Basically, a normal life. Not quite the virgins of Islam, is it?

26:15 - And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant:
26:16 - I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.
26:17 - And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you.
26:18 - And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins.
26:19 - And I will break the pride of your power; and I will make your heaven as iron, and your earth as brass:
26:20 - And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your land shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the land yield their fruits.
26:21 - And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.
26:22 - I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number; and your high ways shall be desolate.
26:23 - And if ye will not be reformed by me by these things, but will walk contrary unto me;
26:24 - Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.
26:25 - And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall avenge the quarrel of my covenant: and when ye are gathered together within your cities, I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.
26:26 - And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied.

And here's yet more punishment. When God promises to set his face against you in 26:17, that actually seems quite terrifying.

26:27 - And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;
26:28 - Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
26:29 - And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.
26:30 - And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.

The punishment is a lot longer and more an intense than the reward. It's not really fair, God.

26:41 - And that I also have walked contrary unto them, and have brought them into the land of their enemies; if then their uncircumcised hearts be humbled, and they then accept of the punishment of their iniquity:

I think this is the first mention of "uncircumcised hearts" which is so awesome in its own strange way. They refer to this concept often.

BOOK OF NUMBERS

A large portion of this book is just counting people. It really goes on for ages. That said, the detailed numbering does assist the argument for this being a historically accurate text. It's very specific and also it's super useless information. Why would they waste their/our time if they were making up stories? If the Bible is indeed an imaginary tale, then this is a genius move on their part.

1:2 - Take ye the sum of all the congregation of the children of Israel, after their families, by the house of their fathers, with the number of their names, every male by their polls;
1:2 - From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their armies.

God is starting a war now. It then goes over tribe after tribe, each giving their amount of people, ready for battle

3:13 - Because all the firstborn are mine; for on the day that I smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt I hallowed unto me all the firstborn in Israel, both man and beast: mine shall they be: I am the LORD.

The Bible is actually a study into the gradual but consistent spiral of God going mad.

5:2 - Command the children of Israel, that they put out of the camp every leper, and every one that hath an issue, and whosoever is defiled by the dead:

Leper I can understand for contagious reasons, but what is an "issue"? That's too ambigous which is dangerous.

5:27 - And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people.

This is what happens to women who cheat.

7:10 - And the princes offered for dedicating of the altar in the day that it was anointed, even the princes offered their offering before the altar.
7:11 - And the LORD said unto Moses, They shall offer their offering, each prince on his day, for the dedicating of the altar.

This goes on for quite a while but, in summary, God loves material possesions and dead animals

10:1 - And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, 10:2 - Make thee two trumpets of silver; of a whole piece shalt thou make them: that thou mayest use them for the calling of the assembly, and for the journeying of the camps.

I feel like God is just making this up as he goes along now.

11:1 - And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.
11:2 - And the people cried unto Moses; and when Moses prayed unto the LORD, the fire was quenched.

Ever wondered what God having a temper tantrum would be like?

11:18 - And say thou unto the people, Sanctify yourselves against to morrow, and ye shall eat flesh: for ye have wept in the ears of the LORD, saying, Who shall give us flesh to eat? for it was well with us in Egypt: therefore the LORD will give you flesh, and ye shall eat.
11:18 - Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days;
11:18 - But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you: because that ye have despised the LORD which is among you, and have wept before him, saying, Why came we forth out of Egypt?

What?

12:1 - And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.

Thanks for clarifying.

12:12 - Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother's womb.

Fantastic metal lyrics right here!

14:11 - And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? and how long will it be ere they believe me, for all the signs which I have shewed among them?
14:12 - I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they.

Fair question. God has done a lot of messed up stuff to prove his existence here, and yet he's still not getting the respect he deserves. No wonder he's going crazy.

14:27 - How long shall I bear with this evil congregation, which murmur against me? I have heard the murmurings of the children of Israel, which they murmur against me.

God is so funny with his wording. Sorry, what are they doing?

15:32 - And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.
15:33 - And they that found him gathering sticks brought him unto Moses and Aaron, and unto all the congregation.
15:34 - And they put him in ward, because it was not declared what should be done to him.
15:35 - And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp.
15:36 - And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.

WTF???? This alone should be enough to put anyone off following this insanity, surely.

15:38 - Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribband of blue:
15:39 - And it shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them; and that ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes, after which ye use to go a whoring:

Okay.

16:3 - And they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron, and said unto them, Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?

Yeah, what makes you so freaking special?

16:21 - Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment.
16:22 - And they fell upon their faces, and said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation?

God overreacts, as per usual. I don't care who did it, I'll kill all of you!

16:31 - And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:
16:32 - And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.
16:33 - They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation.
16:34 - And all Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also.
16:35 - And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense.

God's mental health continues to decline.

20:24 - Aaron shall be gathered unto his people: for he shall not enter into the land which I have given unto the children of Israel, because ye rebelled against my word at the water of Meribah.
20:25 - Take Aaron and Eleazar his son, and bring them up unto mount Hor:
20:26 - And strip Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son: and Aaron shall be gathered unto his people, and shall die there.
20:27 - And Moses did as the LORD commanded: and they went up into mount Hor in the sight of all the congregation.
20:28 - And Moses stripped Aaron of his garments, and put them upon Eleazar his son; and Aaron died there in the top of the mount: and Moses and Eleazar came down from the mount.
20:29 - And when all the congregation saw that Aaron was dead, they mourned for Aaron thirty days, even all the house of Israel.

After everything Aaron did, God still held a grudge about that idol he made decades ago, and so God kills him now because he no longer has a use for the man. This is the almighty Judeo-Christian Lord, people.

21:5 - And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.
21:6 - And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
21:7 - Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people.
21:8 - And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.
21:9 - And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.

God still up to his tricks, of course.

21:21 - And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, saying,
21:22 - Let me pass through thy land: we will not turn into the fields, or into the vineyards; we will not drink of the waters of the well: but we will go along by the king's high way, until we be past thy borders.
21:23 - And Sihon would not suffer Israel to pass through his border: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and went out against Israel into the wilderness: and he came to Jahaz, and fought against Israel.
21:24 - And Israel smote him with the edge of the sword, and possessed his land from Arnon unto Jabbok, even unto the children of Ammon: for the border of the children of Ammon was strong.
21:25 - And Israel took all these cities: and Israel dwelt in all the cities of the Amorites, in Heshbon, and in all the villages thereof.

How does God choose sides in times of war? The major underlying plot point of the entire Bible is that God picks favourites among his created people all depending on where you were born (Israel). We are not loved and created equal. That's literally the entire story behind the Old Testament.

22:28 - And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
22:29 - And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
22:30 - And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay.
22:31 - Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.
22:32 - And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass these three times? behold, I went out to withstand thee, because thy way is perverse before me:
22:33 - And the ass saw me, and turned from me these three times: unless she had turned from me, surely now also I had slain thee, and saved her alive.
22:34 - And Balaam said unto the angel of the LORD, I have sinned; for I knew not that thou stoodest in the way against me: now therefore, if it displease thee, I will get me back again.

Pretty intense trip, man.

24:5 - How goodly are thy tents, O Jacob, and thy tabernacles, O Israel!

Goodly?

25:4 - And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel.
25:5 - And Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baalpeor.
25:6 - And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
25:7 - And when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand;
25:8 - And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel.
25:9 - And those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand.

What the hell is all this??

26:9 - And the sons of Eliab; Nemuel, and Dathan, and Abiram. This is that Dathan and Abiram, which were famous in the congregation, who strove against Moses and against Aaron in the company of Korah, when they strove against the LORD:
26:10 - And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up together with Korah, when that company died, what time the fire devoured two hundred and fifty men: and they became a sign.

In the Bible, you don’t want to become a sign.

29:1 - And in the seventh month, on the first day of the month, ye shall have an holy convocation; ye shall do no servile work: it is a day of blowing the trumpets unto you.

A trumpet day!

30:6 - And if she had at all an husband, when she vowed, or uttered ought out of her lips, wherewith she bound her soul;
30:7 - And her husband heard it, and held his peace at her in the day that he heard it: then her vows shall stand, and her bonds wherewith she bound her soul shall stand.
30:8 - But if her husband disallowed her on the day that he heard it; then he shall make her vow which she vowed, and that which she uttered with her lips, wherewith she bound her soul, of none effect: and the LORD shall forgive her.

Naturally, there's no male stated equivalent to this.

31:17 - Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.
31:18 - But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

This is Moses talking after his Isralean army defeated the Midianites. He’s become insane with power! It's all God's fault!

33:50 - And the LORD spake unto Moses in the plains of Moab by Jordan near Jericho, saying,
33:51 - Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When ye are passed over Jordan into the land of Canaan;
33:52 - Then ye shall drive out all the inhabitants of the land from before you, and destroy all their pictures, and destroy all their molten images, and quite pluck down all their high places:
33:53 - And ye shall dispossess the inhabitants of the land, and dwell therein: for I have given you the land to possess it.
33:54 - And ye shall divide the land by lot for an inheritance among your families: and to the more ye shall give the more inheritance, and to the fewer ye shall give the less inheritance: every man's inheritance shall be in the place where his lot falleth; according to the tribes of your fathers ye shall inherit.
33:55 - But if ye will not drive out the inhabitants of the land from before you; then it shall come to pass, that those which ye let remain of them shall be pricks in your eyes, and thorns in your sides, and shall vex you in the land wherein ye dwell.
33:56 - Moreover it shall come to pass, that I shall do unto you, as I thought to do unto them.

Anyone else notice how God breaks his own commandments consistently? He's above the law, sure, but still. Lead by example sometimes, maybe.

35:19 - The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him.

It’s ok to murder a murderer.

BOOK OF DEUTERONOMY

This one changed to first-person Moses view, which certainly was such a thrill.

2:20 - (That also was accounted a land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time; and the Ammonites call them Zamzummims;

It's a fantasy novel really.

3:3 - So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining.
3:4 - And we took all his cities at that time, there was not a city which we took not from them, threescore cities, all the region of Argob, the kingdom of Og in Bashan.
3:5 - All these cities were fenced with high walls, gates, and bars; beside unwalled towns a great many.
3:6 - And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city.
3:7 - But all the cattle, and the spoil of the cities, we took for a prey to ourselves.

Is this ok?

5:5 - (I stood between the LORD and you at that time, to shew you the word of the LORD: for ye were afraid by reason of the fire, and went not up into the mount;) saying,

Is that the first use of the winky emoji in all of history??

7:21 - Thou shalt not be affrighted at them: for the LORD thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible.

I’ll say.

9:7 - Remember, and forget not, how thou provokedst the LORD thy God to wrath in the wilderness: from the day that thou didst depart out of the land of Egypt, until ye came unto this place, ye have been rebellious against the LORD.

From here it repeats basically the entire story over, from the beginning until now, except in a much briefer fashion. It was actually really appreciated, a quick recap, previously in The Bible.

12:11 - Then there shall be a place which the LORD your God shall choose to cause his name to dwell there; thither shall ye bring all that I command you; your burnt offerings, and your sacrifices, your tithes, and the heave offering of your hand, and all your choice vows which ye vow unto the LORD:
12:12 - And ye shall rejoice before the LORD your God, ye, and your sons, and your daughters, and your menservants, and your maidservants, and the Levite that is within your gates; forasmuch as he hath no part nor inheritance with you.
12:13 - Take heed to thyself that thou offer not thy burnt offerings in every place that thou seest:
12:14 - But in the place which the LORD shall choose in one of thy tribes, there thou shalt offer thy burnt offerings, and there thou shalt do all that I command thee.
12:15 - Notwithstanding thou mayest kill and eat flesh in all thy gates, whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, according to the blessing of the LORD thy God which he hath given thee: the unclean and the clean may eat thereof, as of the roebuck, and as of the hart.
12:16 - Only ye shall not eat the blood; ye shall pour it upon the earth as water.

Slightly confusing, surely you could word this better?

14:1 - Ye are the children of the LORD your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.

Like... eyebrows?

17:6 - At the mouth of two witnesses, or three witnesses, shall he that is worthy of death be put to death; but at the mouth of one witness he shall not be put to death.
17:7 - The hands of the witnesses shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterward the hands of all the people. So thou shalt put the evil away from among you.

This seems like a better idea. Witnesses are a good start.

18:10 - There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch,
18:11 - Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer.
18:12 - For all that do these things are an abomination unto the LORD: and because of these abominations the LORD thy God doth drive them out from before thee.
18:13 - Thou shalt be perfect with the LORD thy God.
18:14 - For these nations, which thou shalt possess, hearkened unto observers of times, and unto diviners: but as for thee, the LORD thy God hath not suffered thee so to do.

Mystical people are also not good.

18:22 - When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.

Fair enough.

20:5 - And the officers shall speak unto the people, saying, What man is there that hath built a new house, and hath not dedicated it? let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man dedicate it.
20:6 - And what man is he that hath planted a vineyard, and hath not yet eaten of it? let him also go and return unto his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man eat of it.
20:7 - And what man is there that hath betrothed a wife, and hath not taken her? let him go and return unto his house, lest he die in the battle, and another man take her.
20:8 - And the officers shall speak further unto the people, and they shall say, What man is there that is fearful and fainthearted? let him go and return unto his house, lest his brethren's heart faint as well as his heart.
20:9 - And it shall be, when the officers have made an end of speaking unto the people, that they shall make captains of the armies to lead the people.

Easy ways to get out of battle!

20:19 - When thou shalt besiege a city a long time, in making war against it to take it, thou shalt not destroy the trees thereof by forcing an axe against them: for thou mayest eat of them, and thou shalt not cut them down (for the tree of the field is man's life) to employ them in the siege:

Leave the trees alone, at least.

21:10 - When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,
21:11 - And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
21:12 - Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails;
21:13 - And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.
21:14 - And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her.

Problematic. Can Christianity and feminism even coexist? The answer is probably not, no.

21:15 - If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, and they have born him children, both the beloved and the hated; and if the firstborn son be hers that was hated:
21:16 - Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit that which he hath, that he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, which is indeed the firstborn:
21:17 - But he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the firstborn, by giving him a double portion of all that he hath: for he is the beginning of his strength; the right of the firstborn is his.

There are quite a few issues I have with this. Pick and choose however you see fit because you're the man of the house, it's cool.

21:18 - If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
21:19 - Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
21:20 - And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
21:21 - And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Haha here's some parenting 101 tips. Troublesome child? Get your city to stone him to death, and the problem shall be gone, so says your God.

22:5 - The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Cross-dressing is explicitedly stated as wrong right there.

22:11 - Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together.

But why? What's it to you? How does this even bother you?

22:20 - But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
22:21 - Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

Again, this isn't exactly in tune with my moral code.

22:20 - But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
22:21 - Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
22:22 - If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.
22:23 - If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
22:24 - Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
22:25 - But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die:
22:26 - But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:
22:27 - For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her.
22:28 - If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;
22:29 - Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

A whole bunch of sex laws for ya, most of which end with your death. Although we must pay respects to 22:25-26, which kills the rapist but not the victim. It's not her fault. As we all know, certain cultures are not quite as kind.

23:18 - Thou shalt not lend upon usury to thy brother; usury of money, usury of victuals, usury of any thing that is lent upon usury:
23:19 - Unto a stranger thou mayest lend upon usury; but unto thy brother thou shalt not lend upon usury: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all that thou settest thine hand to in the land whither thou goest to possess it.

Unsury is "the action or practice of lending money at unreasonably high rates of interest". You should already be following this anyway.

24:1 - When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.
24:2 - And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife.
24:3 - And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;
24:4 - Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.
24:5 - When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.

Some marriage laws here. It's addressed to the man, obviously, but the rules seem kinda fair in the greater scheme of things.

24:22 - And thou shalt remember that thou wast a bondman in the land of Egypt: therefore I command thee to do this thing.

That’s the crux of the entire Old Testament right there. I am God and I did that thing for you once so now you owe me for all eternity.

25:5 - If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her.

That’s surely not the right way. I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Someone who had a thing for his sister-in-law wrote that.

25:11 - When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:
25:12 - Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

It took some Googling but this literally means that if a woman grabs you by the balls you must chop off her hand, no questions asked. HAHAHA!

28:15 - But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee:
28:16 - Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field.
28:17 - Cursed shall be thy basket and thy store.
28:18 - Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy land, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep.
28:19 - Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out.
28:20 - The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly; because of the wickedness of thy doings, whereby thou hast forsaken me.
28:21 - The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it.
28:22 - The LORD shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.
28:23 - And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall be iron.
28:24 - The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed.
28:25 - The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies: thou shalt go out one way against them, and flee seven ways before them: and shalt be removed into all the kingdoms of the earth.
28:26 - And thy carcase shall be meat unto all fowls of the air, and unto the beasts of the earth, and no man shall fray them away.
28:27 - The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.
28:28 - The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart:
28:29 - And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways: and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee.
28:30 - Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: thou shalt build an house, and thou shalt not dwell therein: thou shalt plant a vineyard, and shalt not gather the grapes thereof.
28:31 - Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes, and thou shalt not eat thereof: thine ass shall be violently taken away from before thy face, and shall not be restored to thee: thy sheep shall be given unto thine enemies, and thou shalt have none to rescue them.
28:32 - Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people, and thine eyes shall look, and fail with longing for them all the day long: and there shall be no might in thine hand.
28:33 - The fruit of thy land, and all thy labours, shall a nation which thou knowest not eat up; and thou shalt be only oppressed and crushed alway:
28:34 - So that thou shalt be mad for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see.
28:35 - The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head.
28:36 - The LORD shall bring thee, and thy king which thou shalt set over thee, unto a nation which neither thou nor thy fathers have known; and there shalt thou serve other gods, wood and stone.
28:37 - And thou shalt become an astonishment, a proverb, and a byword, among all nations whither the LORD shall lead thee.
28:38 - Thou shalt carry much seed out into the field, and shalt gather but little in; for the locust shall consume it.
28:39 - Thou shalt plant vineyards, and dress them, but shalt neither drink of the wine, nor gather the grapes; for the worms shall eat them.
28:40 - Thou shalt have olive trees throughout all thy coasts, but thou shalt not anoint thyself with the oil; for thine olive shall cast his fruit.
28:41 - Thou shalt beget sons and daughters, but thou shalt not enjoy them; for they shall go into captivity.
28:42 - All thy trees and fruit of thy land shall the locust consume.
28:43 - The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low.
28:44 - He shall lend to thee, and thou shalt not lend to him: he shall be the head, and thou shalt be the tail.
28:45 - Moreover all these curses shall come upon thee, and shall pursue thee, and overtake thee, till thou be destroyed; because thou hearkenedst not unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep his commandments and his statutes which he commanded thee:
28:46 - And they shall be upon thee for a sign and for a wonder, and upon thy seed for ever.

Here's an extensive list of curses to get you in the mood. I probably didn't need to shove them all here, but I did and it's too late now. What's interesting is that the world has truly lost its way these days and yet none of these scary promises came true. What's up with that, God? Hello?

28:58 - If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD;
28:59 - Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance.
28:60 - Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee.
28:61 - Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed.
28:62 - And ye shall be left few in number, whereas ye were as the stars of heaven for multitude; because thou wouldest not obey the voice of the LORD thy God.

So you know you’re a book.

31:30 - And Moses spake in the ears of all the congregation of Israel the words of this song, until they were ended.
32:1 - Give ear, O ye heavens, and I will speak; and hear, O earth, the words of my mouth.
32:2 - My doctrine shall drop as the rain, my speech shall distil as the dew, as the small rain upon the tender herb, and as the showers upon the grass:
32:3 - Because I will publish the name of the LORD: ascribe ye greatness unto our God.

This book is a musical too! IT IS EVERYTHING!!

32:13 - He made him ride on the high places of the earth, that he might eat the increase of the fields; and he made him to suck honey out of the rock, and oil out of the flinty rock;

Suck my rock.

32:21 - They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation.
32:22 - For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains.
32:23 - I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them.
32:24 - They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust.
32:25 - The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs.

God is up to his nonsense again, *yawn*, it’s getting a bit repetitive, no?

34:5 - So Moses the servant of the LORD died there in the land of Moab, according to the word of the LORD.
34:6 - And he buried him in a valley in the land of Moab, over against Bethpeor: but no man knoweth of his sepulchre unto this day.
34:7 - And Moses was an hundred and twenty years old when he died: his eye was not dim, nor his natural force abated.
34:8 - And the children of Israel wept for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days: so the days of weeping and mourning for Moses were ended.

Moses dies :( He rubbed me the wrong way but I had grown quite fond of him. He is the originator of everything really.

34:9 - And Joshua the son of Nun was full of the spirit of wisdom; for Moses had laid his hands upon him: and the children of Israel hearkened unto him, and did as the LORD commanded Moses.

Joshua takes the lead.

34:10 - And there arose not a prophet since in Israel like unto Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face,
34:11 - In all the signs and the wonders, which the LORD sent him to do in the land of Egypt to Pharaoh, and to all his servants, and to all his land,
34:12 - And in all that mighty hand, and in all the great terror which Moses shewed in the sight of all Israel.

Kinda sweet send-off. Rest it Peace, Moses. Look at what you did.

BOOK OF JOSHUA

5:13 - And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand: and Joshua went unto him, and said unto him, Art thou for us, or for our adversaries?
5:14 - And he said, Nay; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto him, What saith my lord unto his servant?
5:15 - And the captain of the LORD'S host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Joshua did so.

Too easy! I could’ve said that! I am the captain of the host of the Lord! Bow to me, everyone!

10:12 - Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.
10:13 - And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day.
10:14 - And there was no day like that before it or after it, that the LORD hearkened unto the voice of a man: for the LORD fought for Israel.

That’s a massive flex! He stopped the freaking spin of the Earth!!!

10:22 - Then said Joshua, Open the mouth of the cave, and bring out those five kings unto me out of the cave.
10:23 - And they did so, and brought forth those five kings unto him out of the cave, the king of Jerusalem, the king of Hebron, the king of Jarmuth, the king of Lachish, and the king of Eglon.
10:24 - And it came to pass, when they brought out those kings unto Joshua, that Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them.
10:25 - And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight.
10:26 - And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening.
10:27 - And it came to pass at the time of the going down of the sun, that Joshua commanded, and they took them down off the trees, and cast them into the cave wherein they had been hid, and laid great stones in the cave's mouth, which remain until this very day.

So much has been going on in Bible land lately, but basically, Israel are still killing people all over. There has been some resistance and other regions are fighting back, but they're no match and Israel are wiping them out swiftly using the power of GOD (and weapons).

11:18 - Joshua made war a long time with all those kings.
11:19 - There was not a city that made peace with the children of Israel, save the Hivites the inhabitants of Gibeon: all other they took in battle.
11:20 - For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly, and that they might have no favour, but that he might destroy them, as the LORD commanded Moses.

Once again, this is what bothers me. God makes the enemies then tells Israel to kill them. We are nothing but a theatre production to him.

13:1 - Now Joshua was old and stricken in years; and the LORD said unto him, Thou art old and stricken in years, and there remaineth yet very much land to be possessed.

Harsh, bro. Following this was pages upon pages of boring inheritance information for the tribes who had done well in battle.

21:43 - And the LORD gave unto Israel all the land which he sware to give unto their fathers; and they possessed it, and dwelt therein.

I don't even want to tell you how many pages it took to detail this zzzzzz.

24:1 - And Joshua gathered all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, and called for the elders of Israel, and for their heads, and for their judges, and for their officers; and they presented themselves before God.
24:2 - And Joshua said unto all the people, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Your fathers dwelt on the other side of the flood in old time, even Terah, the father of Abraham, and the father of Nachor: and they served other gods.
24:3 - And I took your father Abraham from the other side of the flood, and led him throughout all the land of Canaan, and multiplied his seed, and gave him Isaac.
24:4 - And I gave unto Isaac Jacob and Esau: and I gave unto Esau mount Seir, to possess it; but Jacob and his children went down into Egypt.
24:5 - I sent Moses also and Aaron, and I plagued Egypt, according to that which I did among them: and afterward I brought you out.
24:6 - And I brought your fathers out of Egypt: and ye came unto the sea; and the Egyptians pursued after your fathers with chariots and horsemen unto the Red sea.
24:7 - And when they cried unto the LORD, he put darkness between you and the Egyptians, and brought the sea upon them, and covered them; and your eyes have seen what I have done in Egypt: and ye dwelt in the wilderness a long season.
24:8 - And I brought you into the land of the Amorites, which dwelt on the other side Jordan; and they fought with you: and I gave them into your hand, that ye might possess their land; and I destroyed them from before you.
24:9 - Then Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab, arose and warred against Israel, and sent and called Balaam the son of Beor to curse you:
24:10 - But I would not hearken unto Balaam; therefore he blessed you still: so I delivered you out of his hand.
24:11 - And ye went over Jordan, and came unto Jericho: and the men of Jericho fought against you, the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Girgashites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites; and I delivered them into your hand.
24:12 - And I sent the hornet before you, which drave them out from before you, even the two kings of the Amorites; but not with thy sword, nor with thy bow.
24:13 - And I have given you a land for which ye did not labour, and cities which ye built not, and ye dwell in them; of the vineyards and oliveyards which ye planted not do ye eat.

Here's a superfast summary of the whole story thus far.

24:29 - And it came to pass after these things, that Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of the LORD, died, being an hundred and ten years old.

And there goes Josh, bye!

BOOK OF JUDGES

1:2 - And the LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand.

Judah takes the lead

1:4 - And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men.
1:5 - And they found Adonibezek in Bezek: and they fought against him, and they slew the Canaanites and the Perizzites.
1:6 - But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes.

Judah wasting no time with his power here, yuck.

2:14 - And it came to pass, when she came to him, that she moved him to ask of her father a field: and she lighted from off her ass; and Caleb said unto her, What wilt thou?

It sounds sexy but it's not, she's just getting off her donkey.

3:15 - But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab.
3:16 - But Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh.
3:17 - And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man.

I love how left-handed was somehow important enough to mention, and I love a good fat man.

3:21 - And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly:
3:22 - And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.

Graphic radness.

4:18 - And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle.
4:19 - And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him.
4:20 - Again he said unto her, Stand in the door of the tent, and it shall be, when any man doth come and enquire of thee, and say, Is there any man here? that thou shalt say, No.
4:21 - Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.

That’s one surefire way to get it done!

5:24 - Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be, blessed shall she be above women in the tent.
5:25 - He asked water, and she gave him milk; she brought forth butter in a lordly dish.
5:26 - She put her hand to the nail, and her right hand to the workmen's hammer; and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples.
5:27 - At her feet he bowed, he fell, he lay down: at her feet he bowed, he fell: where he bowed, there he fell down dead.

So God wanted that one then. Ok cool.

6:11 - And there came an angel of the LORD, and sat under an oak which was in Ophrah, that pertained unto Joash the Abiezrite: and his son Gideon threshed wheat by the winepress, to hide it from the Midianites.
6:12 - And the angel of the LORD appeared unto him, and said unto him, The LORD is with thee, thou mighty man of valour.
6:13 - And Gideon said unto him, Oh my Lord, if the LORD be with us, why then is all this befallen us? and where be all his miracles which our fathers told us of, saying, Did not the LORD bring us up from Egypt? but now the LORD hath forsaken us, and delivered us into the hands of the Midianites.
6:14 - And the LORD looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee?

So Gideon is the guy for the job.

7:4 - And the LORD said unto Gideon, The people are yet too many; bring them down unto the water, and I will try them for thee there: and it shall be, that of whom I say unto thee, This shall go with thee, the same shall go with thee; and of whomsoever I say unto thee, This shall not go with thee, the same shall not go.
7:5 - So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink.
7:6 - And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men: but all the rest of the people bowed down upon their knees to drink water.
7:7 - And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you, and deliver the Midianites into thine hand: and let all the other people go every man unto his place.

An interesting method of selecting an army, but whatever.

8:32 - And Gideon the son of Joash died in a good old age, and was buried in the sepulchre of Joash his father, in Ophrah of the Abiezrites.

That was quick! Why no age included?

10:13 - Yet ye have forsaken me, and served other gods: wherefore I will deliver you no more.
10:14 - Go and cry unto the gods which ye have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your tribulation.

Another bratty God response.

13:2 - And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.
13:3 - And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.
13:4 - Now therefore beware, I pray thee, and drink not wine nor strong drink, and eat not any unclean thing:
13:5 - For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

Ooooh, here comes the big strong boy!

13:18 - And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?

It is a secret, stop asking.

13:22 - And Manoah said unto his wife, We shall surely die, because we have seen God.

Actually a very fair assumption considering what happened to almost everyone else in The Bible.

13:24 - And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson: and the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.

He's here!

13:5 - Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young lion roared against him.
13:6 - And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.
13:7 - And he went down, and talked with the woman; and she pleased Samson well.
13:8 - And after a time he returned to take her, and he turned aside to see the carcase of the lion: and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion.
13:9 - And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion.

This is the Bible stuff I like, super whack and imaginative.

15:4 - And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails.
15:5 - And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go into the standing corn of the Philistines, and burnt up both the shocks, and also the standing corn, with the vineyards and olives.
15:6 - Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son in law of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire.
15:7 - And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease.
15:8 - And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter: and he went down and dwelt in the top of the rock Etam.

Pretty fast pacing.

15:13 - And they spake unto him, saying, No; but we will bind thee fast, and deliver thee into their hand: but surely we will not kill thee. And they bound him with two new cords, and brought him up from the rock.
15:14 - And when he came unto Lehi, the Philistines shouted against him: and the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and the cords that were upon his arms became as flax that was burnt with fire, and his bands loosed from off his hands.
15:15 - And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith.
15:16 - And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.

Samson is so badass.

16:4 - And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.
16:5 - And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him: and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver.
16:6 - And Delilah said to Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee.
16:7 - And Samson said unto her, If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.
16:8 - Then the lords of the Philistines brought up to her seven green withs which had not been dried, and she bound him with them.
16:9 - Now there were men lying in wait, abiding with her in the chamber. And she said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he brake the withs, as a thread of tow is broken when it toucheth the fire. So his strength was not known.
16:10 - And Delilah said unto Samson, Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

This chick pulls this game a few times, it's so obvious that she's selling him out, Samson is a fool!

16:15 - And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth.
16:16 - And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;
16:17 - That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.
16:18 - And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand.
16:19 - And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.
16:20 - And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the LORD was departed from him.
16:21 - But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.

Fool!

16:30 - And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.

So God gave him just enough of his strength back so that he could pull the pillars down and kill himself with everyone else. Cool? This story does seem quite pointless but I enjoyed it.

19:24 - Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.
19:25 - But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.
19:26 - Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light.
19:27 - And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.
19:28 - And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.
19:29 - And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.

Omg, this poor girl! So brutal and undeserved. A lot of people die because of all of this too.

BOOK OF RUTH

This is a super short chapter about Ruth who decides that the Israel God is the true Lord. Kinda useless but apparently some people reckon she's some sort of a female icon, so each to their own.

4:7 - Now this was the manner in former time in Israel concerning redeeming and concerning changing, for to confirm all things; a man plucked off his shoe, and gave it to his neighbour: and this was a testimony in Israel.

I don't see how that helps anyone.

THE FIRST BOOK OF SAMUEL

3:19 - And Samuel grew, and the LORD was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground.
3:20 - And all Israel from Dan even to Beersheba knew that Samuel was established to be a prophet of the LORD.

Samuel takes the torch.

4:9 - Be strong, and quit yourselves like men, O ye Philistines, that ye be not servants unto the Hebrews, as they have been to you: quit yourselves like men, and fight.

I didn’t realise that quitting myself was an option.

4:18 - And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years.

Eli dies here. He was Samuel's guardian.

9:2 - And he had a son, whose name was Saul, a choice young man, and a goodly: and there was not among the children of Israel a goodlier person than he: from his shoulders and upward he was higher than any of the people.

Israel demanded a king and Saul became that now because he was a goodlier person.

9:15 - Now the LORD had told Samuel in his ear a day before Saul came, saying,
9:16 - To morrow about this time I will send thee a man out of the land of Benjamin, and thou shalt anoint him to be captain over my people Israel, that he may save my people out of the hand of the Philistines: for I have looked upon my people, because their cry is come unto me.
9:17 - And when Samuel saw Saul, the LORD said unto him, Behold the man whom I spake to thee of! this same shall reign over my people.

A friendly meet. Saul is super important in this book, just by the way.

13:13 - And Samuel said to Saul, Thou hast done foolishly: thou hast not kept the commandment of the LORD thy God, which he commanded thee: for now would the LORD have established thy kingdom upon Israel for ever.
13:14 - But now thy kingdom shall not continue: the LORD hath sought him a man after his own heart, and the LORD hath commanded him to be captain over his people, because thou hast not kept that which the LORD commanded thee.

I have failed you here and my notes got a bit lost. Saul made some sort of an offering which was wrong? Or something. Saul still remains king though, so I'm unsure what this threat was about.

14:24 - And the men of Israel were distressed that day: for Saul had adjured the people, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food until evening, that I may be avenged on mine enemies. So none of the people tasted any food.
14:25 - And all they of the land came to a wood; and there was honey upon the ground.
14:26 - And when the people were come into the wood, behold, the honey dropped; but no man put his hand to his mouth: for the people feared the oath.
14:27 - But Jonathan heard not when his father charged the people with the oath: wherefore he put forth the end of the rod that was in his hand, and dipped it in an honeycomb, and put his hand to his mouth; and his eyes were enlightened.
14:28 - Then answered one of the people, and said, Thy father straitly charged the people with an oath, saying, Cursed be the man that eateth any food this day. And the people were faint.
14:29 - Then said Jonathan, My father hath troubled the land: see, I pray you, how mine eyes have been enlightened, because I tasted a little of this honey.

Jonathan broke Saul's "no food" rule but because he was Saul’s son, he wasn’t punished for this.

15:35 - And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.

Samuel and Saul had a fallout but, even more importantly, God is not infallible when it comes to his decision making. Weirdly, Saul kinda keeps going from here, not sure how the chronological ordering works.

17:4 - And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.
17:5 - And he had an helmet of brass upon his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail; and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of brass.
17:6 - And he had greaves of brass upon his legs, and a target of brass between his shoulders.
17:7 - And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.
17:8 - And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
17:9 - If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.

A big boi has arrived on the scene. Goliath!

17:48 - And it came to pass, when the Philistine arose, and came and drew nigh to meet David, that David hasted, and ran toward the army to meet the Philistine.
17:49 - And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
17:50 - So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
17:51 - Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.

David vs. Goliath. Do you get a more classic Bible story? I didn't know about the chopping-off-head part!

18:7 - And the women answered one another as they played, and said, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.
18:8 - And Saul was very wroth, and the saying displeased him; and he said, They have ascribed unto David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed but thousands: and what can he have more but the kingdom?
18:9 - And Saul eyed David from that day and forward.

Saul becomes jealous of David's awesomeness and popularity.

18:25 - And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.

A hundred foreskins! Imagine.

18:27 - Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

He freaking did it too.

24:2 - Then Saul took three thousand chosen men out of all Israel, and went to seek David and his men upon the rocks of the wild goats.
24:3 - And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave.
24:4 - And the men of David said unto him, Behold the day of which the LORD said unto thee, Behold, I will deliver thine enemy into thine hand, that thou mayest do to him as it shall seem good unto thee. Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily.
24:5 - And it came to pass afterward, that David's heart smote him, because he had cut off Saul's skirt.
24:6 - And he said unto his men, The LORD forbid that I should do this thing unto my master, the LORD'S anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.

So basically Saul has been chasing David for ages, full intent of killing him. But the tables turned and David got his chance to kill Saul instead. But he didn't! Now that's the holy man we deserve.

24:9 - And David said to Saul, Wherefore hearest thou men's words, saying, Behold, David seeketh thy hurt?
24:10 - Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD'S anointed.
24:11 - Moreover, my father, see, yea, see the skirt of thy robe in my hand: for in that I cut off the skirt of thy robe, and killed thee not, know thou and see that there is neither evil nor transgression in mine hand, and I have not sinned against thee; yet thou huntest my soul to take it.
24:12 - The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
24:13 - As saith the proverb of the ancients, Wickedness proceedeth from the wicked: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
24:14 - After whom is the king of Israel come out? after whom dost thou pursue? after a dead dog, after a flea.
24:15 - The LORD therefore be judge, and judge between me and thee, and see, and plead my cause, and deliver me out of thine hand.

You see? David is legit the first worthwhile person in this book.

24:16 - And it came to pass, when David had made an end of speaking these words unto Saul, that Saul said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And Saul lifted up his voice, and wept.
24:17 - And he said to David, Thou art more righteous than I: for thou hast rewarded me good, whereas I have rewarded thee evil.
24:18 - And thou hast shewed this day how that thou hast dealt well with me: forasmuch as when the LORD had delivered me into thine hand, thou killedst me not.
24:19 - For if a man find his enemy, will he let him go well away? wherefore the LORD reward thee good for that thou hast done unto me this day.

You see, this is really good stuff. This is what Christianity is all about (even if it predates Christ, whatever).

25:1 - And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.

Samuel gone.

27:9 - And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.

So it turns out I was wrong and David was as much as a dick as everyone else.

28:8 - And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee.
28:8 - And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?
28:8 - And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing.
28:8 - Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel.
28:8 - And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul.
28:8 - And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.
28:8 - And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself.
28:8 - And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do.

This is a very controversial piece because the "woman by the night" (a witch) called upon Samuel's spirit from the afterlife using magic. Some denominations have had trouble working around this concept.

31:3 - And the battle went sore against Saul, and the archers hit him; and he was sore wounded of the archers.
31:4 - Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it.
31:5 - And when his armourbearer saw that Saul was dead, he fell likewise upon his sword, and died with him.
31:6 - So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together.
31:7 - And when the men of Israel that were on the other side of the valley, and they that were on the other side Jordan, saw that the men of Israel fled, and that Saul and his sons were dead, they forsook the cities, and fled; and the Philistines came and dwelt in them.

Saul dies in a fittingly dramatic way.

31:8 - And it came to pass on the morrow, when the Philistines came to strip the slain, that they found Saul and his three sons fallen in mount Gilboa.
31:9 - And they cut off his head, and stripped off his armour, and sent into the land of the Philistines round about, to publish it in the house of their idols, and among the people.

A bit excessive but ok.

THE SECOND BOOK OF SAMUEL

2:4 - And the men of Judah came, and there they anointed David king over the house of Judah. And they told David, saying, That the men of Jabeshgilead were they that buried Saul.

David is the king now, and rightfully so, in many ways.

5:3 - So all the elders of Israel came to the king to Hebron; and king David made a league with them in Hebron before the LORD: and they anointed David king over Israel.
5:4 - David was thirty years old when he began to reign, and he reigned forty years.

Damn overachievers.

6:6 - And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.
6:7 - And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God.

I've been ignoring this ark for the longest time, but eventually, its importance grew so large that I have no choice but to let you in on it now. Basically, they made this gold-covered wooden chest (designed from a Moses vision) and it's super freaking holy. Of course, no one quite knows where it is today, with many regions claiming that they currently possess the original. It's the main plot device in Raiders of the Lost Ark too. Anyways, some Uzzah touched it here so he died, just to give you an idea.

6:14 - And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod.
6:15 - So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
6:16 -And as the ark of the LORD came into the city of David, Michal Saul's daughter looked through a window, and saw king David leaping and dancing before the LORD; and she despised him in her heart.

This amused me.

10:4 - Wherefore Hanun took David's servants, and shaved off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and sent them away.

So disrespectful.

11:2 - And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.
11:3 - And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?
11:4 - And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house.

This is often considered the part where David sinned the hardest. This is a direct and literal violation of the "you shall not covet your neighbour's wife" commandment. So naughty! He's already married like five women by this point, btw.

11:15 - And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.
11:16 - And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men were.
11:17 - And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell some of the people of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also.

So this is how King David solved the problem of Bathsheba's husband. He sent him to the frontline of most hardcore battle he knew of and, obviously, it worked. The guy died, leaving Bathsheba free for his pickings.

11:26 - And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband.
11:27 - And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD.

What a soapie. Such an alpha move though, I almost respect it.

12:9 - Wherefore hast thou despised the commandment of the LORD, to do evil in his sight? thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword, and hast taken his wife to be thy wife, and hast slain him with the sword of the children of Ammon.
12:10 - Now therefore the sword shall never depart from thine house; because thou hast despised me, and hast taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be thy wife.
12:11 - Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun.
12:12 - For thou didst it secretly: but I will do this thing before all Israel, and before the sun.

God decides to act against David and his horny ways. David must be shitting himself at this point.

12:14 - Howbeit, because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die.
12:15 - And Nathan departed unto his house. And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick.

There we go, God strikes one of his signature moves: murder an infant.

12:18 - And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. And the servants of David feared to tell him that the child was dead: for they said, Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spake unto him, and he would not hearken unto our voice: how will he then vex himself, if we tell him that the child is dead?
12:19 - But when David saw that his servants whispered, David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead.

This is not a game, boy.

12:20 - Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he came to his own house; and when he required, they set bread before him, and he did eat.
12:21 - Then said his servants unto him, What thing is this that thou hast done? thou didst fast and weep for the child, while it was alive; but when the child was dead, thou didst rise and eat bread.
12:22 - And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?
12:23 - But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.

Sound logic.

13:11 - And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.
13:12 - And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.
13:13 - And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee.
13:14 - Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.

Meanwhile, this guy rapes his sister (Amnon was his name-o).

14:26 - And when he polled his head, (for it was at every year's end that he polled it: because the hair was heavy on him, therefore he polled it:) he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's weight.

Smiley emoticon.

18:9 - And Absalom met the servants of David. And Absalom rode upon a mule, and the mule went under the thick boughs of a great oak, and his head caught hold of the oak, and he was taken up between the heaven and the earth; and the mule that was under him went away.

Surely there’s an easier way of saying this.

20:9 - And Joab said to Amasa, Art thou in health, my brother? And Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kiss him.
20:10 - But Amasa took no heed to the sword that was in Joab's hand: so he smote him therewith in the fifth rib, and shed out his bowels to the ground, and struck him not again; and he died. So Joab and Abishai his brother pursued after Sheba the son of Bichri.

Harsh times are harsh.

21:1 - Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites.

Haha. God is blaming Saul even though he’s dead. Saul started it!

21:20 - And there was yet a battle in Gath, where was a man of great stature, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant.
21:21 - And when he defied Israel, Jonathan the son of Shimea the brother of David slew him.

Way to introduce a super cool character then kill him one sentence later.

THE FIRST BOOK OF KINGS

1:1 - Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.
1:2 - Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.
1:3 - So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king.
1:4 - And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.

David is dying but what a way to go!

2:10 - So David slept with his fathers, and was buried in the city of David.

For the record, "sleeping with your fathers" in Bible talk means that you've died. They say this a lot. It has nothing to do with banging your daddy.

3:5 - In Gibeon the LORD appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee.

God appears like a genie. So just to summarise the next bits: Solomon (David's one son) asks for wisdom, and this answer impresses God so much that he gives Solomon wisdom as well as riches as well as the crown. Solomon is now king.

3:11 - And God said unto him, Because thou hast asked this thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself understanding to discern judgment;
3:12 - Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.
3:13 - And I have also given thee that which thou hast not asked, both riches, and honour: so that there shall not be any among the kings like unto thee all thy days.
3:14 - And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.
3:15 - And Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream. And he came to Jerusalem, and stood before the ark of the covenant of the LORD, and offered up burnt offerings, and offered peace offerings, and made a feast to all his servants.

So this is basically what I said above, soz, spoilers. Of course, it was all a dream in the end. Or was it? It wasn't.

3:16 - Then came there two women, that were harlots, unto the king, and stood before him.
3:17 - And the one woman said, O my lord, I and this woman dwell in one house; and I was delivered of a child with her in the house.
3:18 - And it came to pass the third day after that I was delivered, that this woman was delivered also: and we were together; there was no stranger with us in the house, save we two in the house.
3:19 - And this woman's child died in the night; because she overlaid it.
3:20 - And she arose at midnight, and took my son from beside me, while thine handmaid slept, and laid it in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom.
3:21 - And when I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.
3:22 - And the other woman said, Nay; but the living is my son, and the dead is thy son. And this said, No; but the dead is thy son, and the living is my son. Thus they spake before the king.
3:23 - Then said the king, The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.
3:24 - And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the king.
3:25 - And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.
3:26 - Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor thine, but divide it.
3:27 - Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child, and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof.
3:28 - And all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had judged; and they feared the king: for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him, to do judgment.

This is long but totally worth the read. It's a great story and also a killer move on Solomon's part, I like him already.

6:14 - So Solomon built the house, and finished it.

Pages upon pages of home improvement details follow this. Gosh, this book has everything!

10:1 - And when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon concerning the name of the LORD, she came to prove him with hard questions.
10:2 - And she came to Jerusalem with a very great train, with camels that bare spices, and very much gold, and precious stones: and when she was come to Solomon, she communed with him of all that was in her heart.
10:3 - And Solomon told her all her questions: there was not any thing hid from the king, which he told her not.
10:4 - And when the queen of Sheba had seen all Solomon's wisdom, and the house that he had built,
10:5 - And the meat of his table, and the sitting of his servants, and the attendance of his ministers, and their apparel, and his cupbearers, and his ascent by which he went up unto the house of the LORD; there was no more spirit in her.
10:6 - And she said to the king, It was a true report that I heard in mine own land of thy acts and of thy wisdom.
10:7 - Howbeit I believed not the words, until I came, and mine eyes had seen it: and, behold, the half was not told me: thy wisdom and prosperity exceedeth the fame which I heard.
10:8 - Happy are thy men, happy are these thy servants, which stand continually before thee, and that hear thy wisdom.
10:9 - Blessed be the LORD thy God, which delighted in thee, to set thee on the throne of Israel: because the LORD loved Israel for ever, therefore made he thee king, to do judgment and justice.

Solomon gets a five-star review from the Queen of Sheba.

10:14 - Now the weight of gold that came to Solomon in one year was six hundred threescore and six talents of gold,
10:15 - Beside that he had of the merchantmen, and of the traffick of the spice merchants, and of all the kings of Arabia, and of the governors of the country.
10:16 - And king Solomon made two hundred targets of beaten gold: six hundred shekels of gold went to one target.
10:17 - And he made three hundred shields of beaten gold; three pound of gold went to one shield: and the king put them in the house of the forest of Lebanon.
10:18 - Moreover the king made a great throne of ivory, and overlaid it with the best gold.
10:19 - The throne had six steps, and the top of the throne was round behind: and there were stays on either side on the place of the seat, and two lions stood beside the stays.
10:20 - And twelve lions stood there on the one side and on the other upon the six steps: there was not the like made in any kingdom.
10:21 - And all king Solomon's drinking vessels were of gold, and all the vessels of the house of the forest of Lebanon were of pure gold; none were of silver: it was nothing accounted of in the days of Solomon.

Solomon’s gold! That's a thing!

11:1 - But king Solomon loved many strange women, together with the daughter of Pharaoh, women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians, and Hittites;
11:2 - Of the nations concerning which the LORD said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love.
11:3 - And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.

Playa!

11:6 - And Solomon did evil in the sight of the LORD, and went not fully after the LORD, as did David his father.

Like father like son. God got mad again and made a bunch of enemies for Solomon to deal with.

11:41 - Wherefore the LORD said unto Solomon, Forasmuch as this is done of thee, and thou hast not kept my covenant and my statutes, which I have commanded thee, I will surely rend the kingdom from thee, and will give it to thy servant.
11:42 - Notwithstanding in thy days I will not do it for David thy father's sake: but I will rend it out of the hand of thy son.
11:43 - Howbeit I will not rend away all the kingdom; but will give one tribe to thy son for David my servant's sake, and for Jerusalem's sake which I have chosen.

God is super fickle. He'll like you but as soon as you get on his bad side, you will lose it all.

12:10 - And the young men that were grown up with him spake unto him, saying, Thus shalt thou speak unto this people that spake unto thee, saying, Thy father made our yoke heavy, but make thou it lighter unto us; thus shalt thou say unto them, My little finger shall be thicker than my father's loins.
12:11 - And now whereas my father did lade you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke: my father hath chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions.

Rehoboam becomes king and he’s a right meanie. He lasted 18 verses before they stoned him to death.

14:10 - Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone.

Pisseth? LOL! Jeroboam was the next king but God wasn’t keen on him either and he died shortly after this. Kings fly past at high speeds from here onwards for a while, including Asa who seemed like a nice dude.

17:10 - So he arose and went to Zarephath. And when he came to the gate of the city, behold, the widow woman was there gathering of sticks: and he called to her, and said, Fetch me, I pray thee, a little water in a vessel, that I may drink.
17:11 - And as she was going to fetch it, he called to her, and said, Bring me, I pray thee, a morsel of bread in thine hand.
17:12 - And she said, As the LORD thy God liveth, I have not a cake, but an handful of meal in a barrel, and a little oil in a cruse: and, behold, I am gathering two sticks, that I may go in and dress it for me and my son, that we may eat it, and die.
17:13 - And Elijah said unto her, Fear not; go and do as thou hast said: but make me thereof a little cake first, and bring it unto me, and after make for thee and for thy son.

This is a decent comedy dialogue.

18:18 - And he answered, I have not troubled Israel; but thou, and thy father's house, in that ye have forsaken the commandments of the LORD, and thou hast followed Baalim.
18:19 - Now therefore send, and gather to me all Israel unto mount Carmel, and the prophets of Baal four hundred and fifty, and the prophets of the groves four hundred, which eat at Jezebel's table.

Baalim/Baal is a Middle Eastern diety worshipped primarily by the Canaanites, so now you know God doesn't like him.

18:25 - And Elijah said unto the prophets of Baal, Choose you one bullock for yourselves, and dress it first; for ye are many; and call on the name of your gods, but put no fire under.
18:26 - And they took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made.
18:27 - And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked.
18:28 - And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them.

Hectic! Basically, Elijah challenged Ball worshipers to cook their meat without fire. They couldn't do it, but Elijah did it. Then the prophets of Baal freaked out and self-mutilated in a panic.

20:35 - And a certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him.
20:36 - Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him.

A prophetic man orders someone to kill him but the man refuses. So the prophet dude curses this guy to be murdered by a lion, and so he is. What a lose/lose deal, which the Bible excels at.

21:14 - Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned, and is dead.

Pot kills.

22:37 - So the king died, and was brought to Samaria; and they buried the king in Samaria.
22:38 - And one washed the chariot in the pool of Samaria; and the dogs licked up his blood; and they washed his armour; according unto the word of the LORD which he spake.

Ahab is the king who died here. Grossy bit about the dogs.

THE SECOND BOOK OF KINGS

My eyes grew very heavy near the end of this one.

1:10 - And Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. And there came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty.

Elijah is a pretty big player here.

2:1 - And it came to pass, when the LORD would take up Elijah into heaven by a whirlwind, that Elijah went with Elisha from Gilgal.

This is the first and only time anyone got into Heaven this way.

2:23 - And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
2:24 - And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

Haha, woah, Elisha. Because of a bald joke? No one man should have all that power.

4:31 - And Gehazi passed on before them, and laid the staff upon the face of the child; but there was neither voice, nor hearing. Wherefore he went again to meet him, and told him, saying, The child is not awaked.
4:32 - And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead, and laid upon his bed.
4:33 - He went in therefore, and shut the door upon them twain, and prayed unto the LORD.
4:34 - And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands: and he stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm.
4:35 - Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro; and went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes.

Raising dead children.

4:42 - And there came a man from Baalshalisha, and brought the man of God bread of the firstfruits, twenty loaves of barley, and full ears of corn in the husk thereof. And he said, Give unto the people, that they may eat.
4:43 - And his servitor said, What, should I set this before an hundred men? He said again, Give the people, that they may eat: for thus saith the LORD, They shall eat, and shall leave thereof.
4:44 - So he set it before them, and they did eat, and left thereof, according to the word of the LORD.

Check out Elisha! Perfoming Jesus tricks before Jesus!

6:5 - But as one was felling a beam, the axe head fell into the water: and he cried, and said, Alas, master! for it was borrowed.
6:6 - And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim.
6:7 - Therefore said he, Take it up to thee. And he put out his hand, and took it.

And the award for the most boring miracle goes to...

6:28 - And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow.
6:29 - So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.

Brutal.

9:22 - And it came to pass, when Joram saw Jehu, that he said, Is it peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts are so many?

Buuuurn! Is this the first "your mama was a whore" insult ever?

11:21 - Seven years old was Jehoash when he began to reign.

I can’t even tell you how many kings have come and gone but this kid seems interesting

14:18 - And the rest of the acts of Amaziah, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Judah?

They refer to this a lot! It's an actual book which still exists today. Some people theorise that it was the main resource for the Bible's chronology, which is interesting. Oh, and Elisha died recently, btw.

22:8 - And Hilkiah the high priest said unto Shaphan the scribe, I have found the book of the law in the house of the LORD. And Hilkiah gave the book to Shaphan, and he read it.

This sounds fishy but it was a big deal in the timeline of events.

THE FIRST BOOK OF CHRONICLES

Ok, like, wow. This book actually starts from the beginning of the whole Bible and maps out every single person and their family timeline, from Adam all the way until now, just one unreasonably long list which has got to be like a thousand names strong.
Once again, it is detailed inclusions like these which work in the Bible's favour. For, if this is indeed a fictional tale, then at very least they've gone all out to make it seem legit.
But while these verses are fantastic for reasons of reference, they are somewhat pointless otherwise (and futile to document here). That said, even if you just read this book of chronicles alone, you'd come away with almost everything you'd need to start an argument.

13:9 - And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled.
13:10 - And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God.

I made note of this one before but it bears repeating: wtf.

21:1 - And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.

I think this is the first namedrop of the Dark Lord, hail Satan!

21:11 - So Gad came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Choose thee
21:12 - Either three years' famine; or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee; or else three days the sword of the LORD, even the pestilence, in the land, and the angel of the LORD destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again to him that sent me.
21:13 - And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let me fall now into the hand of the LORD; for very great are his mercies: but let me not fall into the hand of man.
21:14 - So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men.

Choose your own adventure.

25:1 - Moreover David and the captains of the host separated to the service of the sons of Asaph, and of Heman, and of Jeduthun, who should prophesy with harps, with psalteries, and with cymbals: and the number of the workmen according to their service was:

Musicians are special! The Bible says so! Right there!

THE SECOND BOOK OF CHRONICLES

The second book takes it from Solomon again.
These chronicles are weird because there are so many names and events flying past you at a much faster rate that I get confused whether I've read it all before or not. I found a frustrated remark addressed to myself which read "There’s 0 point of taking notes here." but I tried my best regardless!

6:1 - Then said Solomon, The LORD hath said that he would dwell in the thick darkness.
6:2 - But I have built an house of habitation for thee, and a place for thy dwelling for ever.

I do find it funny that God wants a house on Earth where he can chill in the darkness.

18:6 - But Jehoshaphat said, Is there not here a prophet of the LORD besides, that we might enquire of him?
18:7 - And the king of Israel said unto Jehoshaphat, There is yet one man, by whom we may enquire of the LORD: but I hate him; for he never prophesied good unto me, but always evil: the same is Micaiah the son of Imla. And Jehoshaphat said, Let not the king say so.

Haha that's so funny. There is a prophet but he never prophecises good stuff to me so I hate him, lets not talk to him.

21:18 - And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease.
21:19 - And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. And his people made no burning for him, like the burning of his fathers.

Jehoram’s death. Did we cover this before?

23:13 - And she looked, and, behold, the king stood at his pillar at the entering in, and the princes and the trumpets by the king: and all the people of the land rejoiced, and sounded with trumpets, also the singers with instruments of musick, and such as taught to sing praise. Then Athaliah rent her clothes, and said, Treason, Treason.

Musick is how they used to spell music.

25:11 - And Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand.
25:12 - And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces.

I love the descriptions, as horrible as they are.

26:19 - Then Uzziah was wroth, and had a censer in his hand to burn incense: and while he was wroth with the priests, the leprosy even rose up in his forehead before the priests in the house of the LORD, from beside the incense altar.
26:20 - And Azariah the chief priest, and all the priests, looked upon him, and, behold, he was leprous in his forehead, and they thrust him out from thence; yea, himself hasted also to go out, because the LORD had smitten him.
26:21 - And Uzziah the king was a leper unto the day of his death, and dwelt in a several house, being a leper; for he was cut off from the house of the LORD: and Jotham his son was over the king's house, judging the people of the land.

Bad case of the sickers there.

34:5 - And he burnt the bones of the priests upon their altars, and cleansed Judah and Jerusalem.

So metal. Weirdly, this was a good thing. God Likes this.

THE BOOK OF EZRA

10:44 - All these had taken strange wives: and some of them had wives by whom they had children.

This was a strange and short book which all kinda melted into one. But, basically, Ezra was a High Priest who had a few crazy ideas, including the purification of the Jewish community. He ordered people to stop marrying and breeding with outside folk, an idea that does not sit well with modern love and is another powerful argument against this book's overall teachings.

THE BOOK OF NEHEMIAH

Surprisingly written from a more first-person perspective, Nehemiah is a high official at the Persian court who wants to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. It's very closely tied to Ezra's book (to the point that they used to be considered one book). It's also quite rejoiceful in its delivery, all about a community vibe. It's nice.

2:2 - Wherefore the king said unto me, Why is thy countenance sad, seeing thou art not sick? this is nothing else but sorrow of heart. Then I was very sore afraid,

Haha use this against sad people. Why are you like this? You're not sick?

2:13 - And I went out by night by the gate of the valley, even before the dragon well, and to the dung port, and viewed the walls of Jerusalem, which were broken down, and the gates thereof were consumed with fire.

Actual dragons in the Bible, just for your information.

4:17 - They which builded on the wall, and they that bare burdens, with those that laded, every one with one of his hands wrought in the work, and with the other hand held a weapon.
4:18 - For the builders, every one had his sword girded by his side, and so builded. And he that sounded the trumpet was by me.

Cool.

6:15 - So the wall was finished in the twenty and fifth day of the month Elul, in fifty and two days.

Well done!

11:1 - And the rulers of the people dwelt at Jerusalem: the rest of the people also cast lots, to bring one of ten to dwell in Jerusalem the holy city, and nine parts to dwell in other cities.
11:2 - And the people blessed all the men, that willingly offered themselves to dwell at Jerusalem.
11:3 - Now these are the chief of the province that dwelt in Jerusalem: but in the cities of Judah dwelt every one in his possession in their cities, to wit, Israel, the priests, and the Levites, and the Nethinims, and the children of Solomon's servants.

So one in every 10 people from different cities got to move into Jerusalem. Interesting.

11:23 - For it was the king's commandment concerning them, that a certain portion should be for the singers, due for every day.

Singers are special, I never knew this about the Bible.

13:23 - In those days also saw I Jews that had married wives of Ashdod, of Ammon, and of Moab:
13:24 - And their children spake half in the speech of Ashdod, and could not speak in the Jews' language, but according to the language of each people.
13:25 - And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons, or for yourselves.

Once again, do not marry and/or breed outside your kind. Bible is racist.

13:31 - And for the wood offering, at times appointed, and for the firstfruits. Remember me, O my God, for good.

OMG.

THE BOOK OF ESTHER

1:8 - And the drinking was according to the law; none did compel: for so the king had appointed to all the officers of his house, that they should do according to every man's pleasure.

I support this notion.

1:10 - On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, and Abagtha, Zethar, and Carcas, the seven chamberlains that served in the presence of Ahasuerus the king,
1:11 - To bring Vashti the queen before the king with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.
1:12 - But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king's commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.

Very bad move to go against the Man of the House, Queenie. Very bad indeed...

1:15 - What shall we do unto the queen Vashti according to law, because she hath not performed the commandment of the king Ahasuerus by the chamberlains?
1:16 - And Memucan answered before the king and the princes, Vashti the queen hath not done wrong to the king only, but also to all the princes, and to all the people that are in all the provinces of the king Ahasuerus.
1:17 - For this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands in their eyes, when it shall be reported, The king Ahasuerus commanded Vashti the queen to be brought in before him, but she came not.

This rebel woman will give other women ideas! We must stop that from happening immediately!

1:19 - If it please the king, let there go a royal commandment from him, and let it be written among the laws of the Persians and the Medes, that it be not altered, That Vashti come no more before king Ahasuerus; and let the king give her royal estate unto another that is better than she.

So she is stripped of her crown for another to take her place, simple.

2:2 - Then said the king's servants that ministered unto him, Let there be fair young virgins sought for the king:
2:3 - And let the king appoint officers in all the provinces of his kingdom, that they may gather together all the fair young virgins unto Shushan the palace, to the house of the women, unto the custody of Hege the king's chamberlain, keeper of the women; and let their things for purification be given them:
2:4 - And let the maiden which pleaseth the king be queen instead of Vashti. And the thing pleased the king; and he did so.

So, naturally, the best way to find a new queen is to capture a bunch of virgins and see which one pleases the king the best.

2:9 - And the maiden pleased him, and she obtained kindness of him; and he speedily gave her her things for purification, with such things as belonged to her, and seven maidens, which were meet to be given her, out of the king's house: and he preferred her and her maids unto the best place of the house of the women.

Esther wins the game eventually, and she is crowned.

3:6 - And he thought scorn to lay hands on Mordecai alone; for they had shewed him the people of Mordecai: wherefore Haman sought to destroy all the Jews that were throughout the whole kingdom of Ahasuerus, even the people of Mordecai.

Alright, Hitler.

3:13 - And the letters were sent by posts into all the king's provinces, to destroy, to kill, and to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, even upon the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month Adar, and to take the spoil of them for a prey.

What's worse is that the king is on board! Murder all the Jews!

7:6 - And Esther said, The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. Then Haman was afraid before the king and the queen.
7:7 - And the king arising from the banquet of wine in his wrath went into the palace garden: and Haman stood up to make request for his life to Esther the queen; for he saw that there was evil determined against him by the king.
7:8 - Then the king returned out of the palace garden into the place of the banquet of wine; and Haman was fallen upon the bed whereon Esther was. Then said the king, Will he force the queen also before me in the house? As the word went out of the king's mouth, they covered Haman's face.
7:9 - And Harbonah, one of the chamberlains, said before the king, Behold also, the gallows fifty cubits high, which Haman had made for Mordecai, who had spoken good for the king, standeth in the house of Haman. Then the king said, Hang him thereon.
7:10 - So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then was the king's wrath pacified.

Esther is an absolute hero of Judaism, using her Queen status to not only save her people but also ultimately killing the Jew-hating dude (Haman) in the first place. She was a good one, that Ester!

THE BOOK OF JOB

1:1 - There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.

Meet Job. He's a very good man. This is important.

1:6 - Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them.
1:7 - And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.
1:8 - And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?
1:9 - Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought?
1:10 - Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land.
1:11 - But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.
1:12 - And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.

The devil and God work together, they are mates, it's in the Bible people, never forget this. God rewards the good, Satan punishes the bad, they are a team.

2:2 - And the LORD said unto Satan, From whence comest thou? And Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.
2:3 - And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause.
2:4 - And Satan answered the LORD, and said, Skin for skin, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life
2:5 - But put forth thine hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse thee to thy face.
2:6 - And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, he is in thine hand; but save his life.
2:7 - So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown.
2:8 - And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes.

Satan has already killed all of Job’s livestock and animals, just by the way. But good ol' Job did not even flinch his worship.

2:9 - Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.
2:10 - But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.

Haha his wife is all "just curse God and die already!". But Job is immovable even by his foolish woman.

3:11 - Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?
3:12 - Why did the knees prevent me? or why the breasts that I should suck?

Job is struggling now, he wishes he had never been born.

4:7 - Remember, I pray thee, who ever perished, being innocent? or where were the righteous cut off?
4:8 - Even as I have seen, they that plow iniquity, and sow wickedness, reap the same.
4:9 - By the blast of God they perish, and by the breath of his nostrils are they consumed.
4:10 - The roaring of the lion, and the voice of the fierce lion, and the teeth of the young lions, are broken.
4:11 - The old lion perisheth for lack of prey, and the stout lion's whelps are scattered abroad.

To make matters worse, Job's mate blames Job for these shortcomings. Surely this is Job's fault otherwise why would this be happening to him?

6:6 - Can that which is unsavoury be eaten without salt? or is there any taste in the white of an egg?

Thats a good question.

7:5 - My flesh is clothed with worms and clods of dust; my skin is broken, and become loathsome.

This book has some sick lyrics.

9:16 - If I had called, and he had answered me; yet would I not believe that he had hearkened unto my voice.
9:17 - For he breaketh me with a tempest, and multiplieth my wounds without cause.
9:18 - He will not suffer me to take my breath, but filleth me with bitterness.
9:19 - If I speak of strength, lo, he is strong: and if of judgment, who shall set me a time to plead?
9:20 - If I justify myself, mine own mouth shall condemn me: if I say, I am perfect, it shall also prove me perverse.
9:21 - Though I were perfect, yet would I not know my soul: I would despise my life.

Job's book is so well written.

10:10 - Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?

Yes.

15:27 - Because he covereth his face with his fatness, and maketh collops of fat on his flanks.

Haha Biblical fatshaming.

16:7 - But now he hath made me weary: thou hast made desolate all my company.
16:8 - And thou hast filled me with wrinkles, which is a witness against me: and my leanness rising up in me beareth witness to my face.
16:9 - He teareth me in his wrath, who hateth me: he gnasheth upon me with his teeth; mine enemy sharpeneth his eyes upon me.
16:10 - They have gaped upon me with their mouth; they have smitten me upon the cheek reproachfully; they have gathered themselves together against me.
16:11 - God hath delivered me to the ungodly, and turned me over into the hands of the wicked.
16:12 - I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken me by my neck, and shaken me to pieces, and set me up for his mark.
16:13 - His archers compass me round about, he cleaveth my reins asunder, and doth not spare; he poureth out my gall upon the ground.
16:14 - He breaketh me with breach upon breach, he runneth upon me like a giant.

Damn, so poetic. Poor, poor Job.

17:13 - If I wait, the grave is mine house: I have made my bed in the darkness.
17:14 - have said to corruption, Thou art my father: to the worm, Thou art my mother, and my sister.

On and on it goes.

20:7 - Yet he shall perish for ever like his own dung: they which have seen him shall say, Where is he?

Harsh.

21:22 - Shall any teach God knowledge? seeing he judgeth those that are high.
21:23 - One dieth in his full strength, being wholly at ease and quiet.
21:24 - His breasts are full of milk, and his bones are moistened with marrow.
21:25 - And another dieth in the bitterness of his soul, and never eateth with pleasure.
21:26 - They shall lie down alike in the dust, and the worms shall cover them.

Job doesn't shut up but, damn, those are some words.

30:26 - When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness.
30:27 - My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.
30:28 - I went mourning without the sun: I stood up, and I cried in the congregation.
30:29 - I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
30:30 - My skin is black upon me, and my bones are burned with heat.
30:31 - My harp also is turned to mourning, and my organ into the voice of them that weep.

I can't express this enough, Job just does not stop complianing. I mean, I get it, he's lost everything, he's in pain, but all of the poetic sweetness in the world could not sustain the misery for this long.

31:9 - If mine heart have been deceived by a woman, or if I have laid wait at my neighbour's door;
31:10 - Then let my wife grind unto another, and let others bow down upon her.

Grind! Yes!

32:1 - So these three men ceased to answer Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes.
32:2 - Then was kindled the wrath of Elihu the son of Barachel the Buzite, of the kindred of Ram: against Job was his wrath kindled, because he justified himself rather than God.

You see, this is why the Bible is so great. It's highlighting how Job can't stop talking about all the wrong which has been done to him, the pain he does not deserve due to the God-serving life he's lived. And this is 100% true because his torture was unjust, a result of a bet between God and Satan, their unfair game has stripped him of everything. However, Job's ceaseless wining makes him seem like he's against God's way, for this is God's way after all, and he needs to stop his bitching because his friends are ignoring him now. I love that. It has layers.

33:20 - So that his life abhorreth bread, and his soul dainty meat.
33:21 - His flesh is consumed away, that it cannot be seen; and his bones that were not seen stick out.

The writing.

38:4 - Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.

God finally arrives and, damn, what a big question! Nobody can top that! God shuts Job down quickly.

39:9 - Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?
39:10 - Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee?

Freaking unicorns though.

39:19 - Hast thou given the horse strength? hast thou clothed his neck with thunder?
39:20 - Canst thou make him afraid as a grasshopper? the glory of his nostrils is terrible.
39:21 - He paweth in the valley, and rejoiceth in his strength: he goeth on to meet the armed men.
39:22 - He mocketh at fear, and is not affrighted; neither turneth he back from the sword.
39:23 - The quiver rattleth against him, the glittering spear and the shield.
39:24 - He swalloweth the ground with fierceness and rage: neither believeth he that it is the sound of the trumpet.
39:25 - He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off, the thunder of the captains, and the shouting.

Horses are awesome. This whole speech from God was a powerful onslaught of words, he's really putting Job in his place even though God was literally responsible for the man's recent torture. God has totally made this all about himself somehow.

40:3 - Then Job answered the LORD, and said,
40:4 - Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee? I will lay mine hand upon my mouth.
40:5 - Once have I spoken; but I will not answer: yea, twice; but I will proceed no further.

Job promises to stop talking right after he says that he will stop talking.

41:1 - Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord which thou lettest down?
41:2 - Canst thou put an hook into his nose? or bore his jaw through with a thorn?
41:3 - Will he make many supplications unto thee? will he speak soft words unto thee?
41:4 - Will he make a covenant with thee? wilt thou take him for a servant for ever?
41:5 - Wilt thou play with him as with a bird? or wilt thou bind him for thy maidens?
41:6 - Shall the companions make a banquet of him? shall they part him among the merchants?
41:7 - Canst thou fill his skin with barbed irons? or his head with fish spears?
41:8 - Lay thine hand upon him, remember the battle, do no more.
41:9 - Behold, the hope of him is in vain: shall not one be cast down even at the sight of him?
41:10 - None is so fierce that dare stir him up: who then is able to stand before me?
41:11 - Who hath prevented me, that I should repay him? whatsoever is under the whole heaven is mine.
41:12 - I will not conceal his parts, nor his power, nor his comely proportion.
41:13 - Who can discover the face of his garment? or who can come to him with his double bridle?
41:14 - Who can open the doors of his face? his teeth are terrible round about.
41:15 - His scales are his pride, shut up together as with a close seal.
41:16 - One is so near to another, that no air can come between them.
41:17 - They are joined one to another, they stick together, that they cannot be sundered.
41:18 - By his neesings a light doth shine, and his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.
41:19 - Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out.
41:20 - Out of his nostrils goeth smoke, as out of a seething pot or caldron.
41:21 - His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth.
41:22 - In his neck remaineth strength, and sorrow is turned into joy before him.
41:23 - The flakes of his flesh are joined together: they are firm in themselves; they cannot be moved.
41:24 - His heart is as firm as a stone; yea, as hard as a piece of the nether millstone.
41:25 - When he raiseth up himself, the mighty are afraid: by reason of breakings they purify themselves.
41:26 - The sword of him that layeth at him cannot hold: the spear, the dart, nor the habergeon.
41:27 - He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood.
41:28 - The arrow cannot make him flee: slingstones are turned with him into stubble.
41:29 - Darts are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the shaking of a spear.
41:30 - Sharp stones are under him: he spreadeth sharp pointed things upon the mire.
41:31 - He maketh the deep to boil like a pot: he maketh the sea like a pot of ointment.
41:32 - He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary.
41:33 - Upon earth there is not his like, who is made without fear.
41:34 - He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride.

Sorry, I've literally included this entire chapter here, but check out this freaking monster God is creating! Why though? Calm down, God!

42:10 - And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Job got everything back two-fold and died an old happy man. Because he never ever lost his faith. It's a fantastic story, arguably my favourite from the whole book.

THE BOOK OF PSALMS

Obviously, things change slightly around here. Psalms aren't stories with the fury of God or prophets suddenly realising their importance. Rather, these are little verses of praise, like songs or prayers which you can use to send worship to the Lord if you're not imaginative enough to think of your own. It's quite nice, really.

5:9 - For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue.

Obviously a very poetic chapter coming up.

12:3 - The LORD shall cut off all flattering lips, and the tongue that speaketh proud things:

Yet still pretty brutal.

17:14 - From men which are thy hand, O LORD, from men of the world, which have their portion in this life, and whose belly thou fillest with thy hid treasure: they are full of children, and leave the rest of their substance to their babes.

I didn't really understand this line. I looked it up and I think it's about how your children is all you truly leave to this world?

18:40 - Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies; that I might destroy them that hate me.
18:41 - They cried, but there was none to save them: even unto the LORD, but he answered them not.
18:42 - Then did I beat them small as the dust before the wind: I did cast them out as the dirt in the streets.
18:43 - Thou hast delivered me from the strivings of the people; and thou hast made me the head of the heathen: a people whom I have not known shall serve me.
18:44 - As soon as they hear of me, they shall obey me: the strangers shall submit themselves unto me.
18:45 - The strangers shall fade away, and be afraid out of their close places.

I’m totally on board with this one, where do I sign up?

23:1 - The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Iconic.

27:1 - The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

I love the uncertaintly of the questions marks?

33:3 - Sing unto him a new song; play skilfully with a loud noise.

I can promise to at least do some of that.

35:4 - Let them be confounded and put to shame that seek after my soul: let them be turned back and brought to confusion that devise my hurt.
35:5 - Let them be as chaff before the wind: and let the angel of the LORD chase them.
35:6 - Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them.

Such inconveniences.

37:11 - But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

That the line, right there.

40:15 - Let them be desolate for a reward of their shame that say unto me, Aha, aha.

The Bible lols.

58:3 - The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.
58:3 - Their poison is like the poison of a serpent: they are like the deaf adder that stoppeth her ear;
58:3 - Which will not hearken to the voice of charmers, charming never so wisely.
58:3 - Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth: break out the great teeth of the young lions, O LORD.
58:3 - Let them melt away as waters which run continually: when he bendeth his bow to shoot his arrows, let them be as cut in pieces.
58:3 - As a snail which melteth, let every one of them pass away: like the untimely birth of a woman, that they may not see the sun.
58:3 - Before your pots can feel the thorns, he shall take them away as with a whirlwind, both living, and in his wrath.

I wonder if anyone has ever looked towards the Bible as a negative influence in today's violent society. This is way more hardcore than certain scapegoat video games and, what's more, this is the supposed word of God. You know, the thing we're taught to follow??

66:5 - Come and see the works of God: he is terrible in his doing toward the children of men.
66:6 - He turned the sea into dry land: they went through the flood on foot: there did we rejoice in him.

Kinda fitting for psalm 6:66.

68:4 - Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: extol him that rideth upon the heavens by his name JAH, and rejoice before him.

Yes! Jah! Everything is one.

69:11 - I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them.
69:12 - They that sit in the gate speak against me; and I was the song of the drunkards.

This appeals to me. Also, 69, lol. That's a sex position.

72:1 - Give the king thy judgments, O God, and thy righteousness unto the king's son.
72:2 - He shall judge thy people with righteousness, and thy poor with judgment.
72:3 - The mountains shall bring peace to the people, and the little hills, by righteousness.

Righteousness

75:5 - Lift not up your horn on high: speak not with a stiff neck.

I really regret not making note of this way earlier but please keep in mind that a "stiff neck" is consistently spoken about as a highly undesirable trait by God. It means to be "difficult to lead".

78:65 - Then the Lord awaked as one out of sleep, and like a mighty man that shouteth by reason of wine.
78:66 - And he smote his enemies in the hinder parts: he put them to a perpetual reproach.

Right there! Right! There! God is drunk! I knew it!!

85:10 - Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other.

That's beautiful.

92:5 - O LORD, how great are thy works! and thy thoughts are very deep.

God has deep thoughts.

102:3 - For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.
102:4 - My heart is smitten, and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.
102:5 - By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.
102:6 - I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.
102:7 - I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
102:8 - Mine enemies reproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me.
102:9 - For I have eaten ashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping,

SO METAL!!!!!!

119:1 - ALEPH. Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the LORD.

I decided to not write this long piece down, but if you're interested, check out this full psalm. It's generally really positive and happy, more like you'd kinda imagine/hope how the whole Bible would be (but it's not).

135:3 - Praise the LORD; for the LORD is good: sing praises unto his name; for it is pleasant.

SOLD.

137:1 - By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion.

I’ve heard this reggae song before.

137:6 - If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy.

Intense as always.

139:22 - I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

Perfect hatred.

144:1 - Blessed be the LORD my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:

Summarise the Bible in one sentence.

147:11 - The LORD taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy.

Once again, this has become my understanding.

THE BOOK OF PROVERBS

Proverbs are more like slices of advice, with this specific book concentrating on the importance of being wise while avoiding the whorish ways of women. Furthermore, this is some of the best text I've ever read in my life.

1:20 - Wisdom crieth without; she uttereth her voice in the streets:

Wisdom is personified as a woman which is interesting in Bible contexts.

5:3 - For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil:
5:4 - But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a twoedged sword.
5:5 - Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell.

Written for men but written well.

5:18 - Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.
5:19 - Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.
5:20 - And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?
5:21 - For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, and he pondereth all his goings.
5:22 - His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.
5:23 - He shall die without instruction; and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.

Good advice and well written once again.

6:16 - These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
6:17 - A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
6:18 - An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,
6:19 - A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

Good to know but I particularly like the "six I mean seven" thing, haha.

6:23 - For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life:
6:24 - To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman.
6:25 - Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids.
6:26 - For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life.

Really banging on about this whorish business, it's all painfully one gender, the Bible is not for girls.

7:10 - And, behold, there met him a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtil of heart.
7:11 - (She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house:
7:12 - Now is she without, now in the streets, and lieth in wait at every corner.)
7:13 - So she caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said unto him,
7:14 - I have peace offerings with me; this day have I payed my vows.
7:15 - Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee.
7:16 - I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt.
7:17 - I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
7:18 - Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves.
7:19 - For the goodman is not at home, he is gone a long journey:
7:20 - He hath taken a bag of money with him, and will come home at the day appointed.
7:21 - With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him.
7:22 - He goeth after her straightway, as an ox goeth to the slaughter, or as a fool to the correction of the stocks;
7:23 - Till a dart strike through his liver; as a bird hasteth to the snare, and knoweth not that it is for his life.
7:24 - Hearken unto me now therefore, O ye children, and attend to the words of my mouth.
7:25 - Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths.
7:26 - For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her.
7:27 - Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.

Long but I love this. God really doesn't like promiscous women and blames them for the straying of men. I mean, I relate, to be fair.

10:1 - A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother.

What does that even mean?? Why even separate the two?

11:22 - As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.

What.

12:4 - A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

I probably need to stop pointing out the sexism here, there's too much of it to go around.

13:2 - A man shall eat good by the fruit of his mouth: but the soul of the transgressors shall eat violence.

Eat violence!

18:8 - The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.

Poetics.

20:1 - Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.

Wine is dodgy, good advice.

23:13 - Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
23:14 - Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Beat your children, God says it's ok.

23:27 - For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.
23:28 - She also lieth in wait as for a prey, and increaseth the transgressors among men.

These words, they are so good!

25:11 - A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.
25:12 - As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear.
25:13 - As the cold of snow in the time of harvest, so is a faithful messenger to them that send him: for he refresheth the soul of his masters.
25:14 - Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift is like clouds and wind without rain.
25:15 - By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaketh the bone.
25:16 - Hast thou found honey? eat so much as is sufficient for thee, lest thou be filled therewith, and vomit it.
25:17 - Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.
25:18 - A man that beareth false witness against his neighbour is a maul, and a sword, and a sharp arrow.
25:19 - Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint.
25:20 - As he that taketh away a garment in cold weather, and as vinegar upon nitre, so is he that singeth songs to an heavy heart.
25:21 - If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink:
25:22 - For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee.
25:23 - The north wind driveth away rain: so doth an angry countenance a backbiting tongue.
25:24 - It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.
25:25 - As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.
25:26 - A righteous man falling down before the wicked is as a troubled fountain, and a corrupt spring.
25:27 - It is not good to eat much honey: so for men to search their own glory is not glory.
25:28 - He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

Read these words, it's pure poetry. And it goes on forever.

26:11 - As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

What an image.

28:25 - He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.

I guess there was a time when fatness was desirable.

29:11 - A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

Cool, so the bible actually coined that too. Nice work, God.

30:11 - There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother.
30:11 - There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness.
30:11 - There is a generation, O how lofty are their eyes! and their eyelids are lifted up.
30:11 - There is a generation, whose teeth are as swords, and their jaw teeth as knives, to devour the poor from off the earth, and the needy from among men.
30:11 - The horseleach hath two daughters, crying, Give, give. There are three things that are never satisfied, yea, four things say not, It is enough:
30:11 - The grave; and the barren womb; the earth that is not filled with water; and the fire that saith not, It is enough.
30:11 - The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it.

So crazy! Hectic stuff.

30:33 - Surely the churning of milk bringeth forth butter, and the wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood: so the forcing of wrath bringeth forth strife.

Logic.

THE BOOK OF ECCLESIASTES

This book primarily revolves around work and vanity.

1:9 - The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.

Oh wow, the Bible coined that tired phrasing too? Impressive.

4:5 - The fool foldeth his hands together, and eateth his own flesh.

That sounds relatively foolish, yeah.

4:9 - Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
4:10 - For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
4:11 - Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
4:12 - And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Can’t argue! It's always better when we're together.

8:15 - Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun.

Eat, drink, be merry. Yet another common phrase which was probably first said here. Regardless of your Bible opinion, this is a rad aspect of it all.

9:3 - This is an evil among all things that are done under the sun, that there is one event unto all: yea, also the heart of the sons of men is full of evil, and madness is in their heart while they live, and after that they go to the dead.
9:4 - For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion.
9:5 - For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten.
9:6 - Also their love, and their hatred, and their envy, is now perished; neither have they any more a portion for ever in any thing that is done under the sun.

True stuff, but note the lack of any mention of heaven. Judaism doesn’t really have such a concept, which is interesting.

9:12 - For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them.

*fish

11:5 - As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all.
11:6 - In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand: for thou knowest not whether shall prosper, either this or that, or whether they both shall be alike good.

It’s true, we still don’t understand these things and it's been a long time.

THE SONG OF SOLOMON

This short chapter is an interesting one as there is no God or rules or any teachings like that. Instead, it's a book of poetry which rejoices in the intimacy between two people, which was really sweet and appreciated!

1:6 - Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.

What's race got to do with it?

2:5 - Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.

Amazing.

6:4 - Thou art beautiful, O my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners.
6:5 - Turn away thine eyes from me, for they have overcome me: thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear from Gilead.
6:6 - Thy teeth are as a flock of sheep which go up from the washing, whereof every one beareth twins, and there is not one barren among them.
6:7 - As a piece of a pomegranate are thy temples within thy locks.

Love poetry was different back then.

7:1 - How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince's daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman.
7:2 - Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.
7:3 - Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.
7:4 - Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus.
7:5 - Thine head upon thee is like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king is held in the galleries.
7:6 - How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!
7:7 - This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
7:8 - I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples;
7:9 - And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak.

Almost quite smooth.

8:1 - O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised.

Ok idk.

8:8 - We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?
8:9 - If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar.
8:10 - I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.

I'm not sure why all of that was needed to be said. Power to the boobs, I guess? Good to know so little has changed.

THE BOOK OF THE PROPHET ISAIAH

And just like that, we are back to the main central storyline. The whole journey has such a fascinating flow in that way, a brief break into a world of poetics before we resume where we left off. It adds to its overall mystical power. That said, this book was very tiring and I did not enjoy it all that much.

1:10 - Hear the word of the LORD, ye rulers of Sodom; give ear unto the law of our God, ye people of Gomorrah.
1:11 - To what purpose is the multitude of your sacrifices unto me? saith the LORD: I am full of the burnt offerings of rams, and the fat of fed beasts; and I delight not in the blood of bullocks, or of lambs, or of he goats.
1:12 - When ye come to appear before me, who hath required this at your hand, to tread my courts?
1:13 - Bring no more vain oblations; incense is an abomination unto me; the new moons and sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with; it is iniquity, even the solemn meeting.
1:14 - Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me; I am weary to bear them.
1:15 - And when ye spread forth your hands, I will hide mine eyes from you: yea, when ye make many prayers, I will not hear: your hands are full of blood.

God is bored of your worships now.

3:12 - As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths.

This is a weird verse that nobody can explain to me without sounding sexist, which isn't super surprising.

3:16 - Moreover the LORD saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet:
3:17 - Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will discover their secret parts.
3:18 - In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon,
3:19 - The chains, and the bracelets, and the mufflers,
3:20 - The bonnets, and the ornaments of the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the earrings,
3:21 - The rings, and nose jewels,
3:22 - The changeable suits of apparel, and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping pins,
3:23 - The glasses, and the fine linen, and the hoods, and the vails.
3:24 - And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth; and burning instead of beauty.

This is where STIs came from!

5:11 - Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them!

You heard the man.

6:6 - Then flew one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with the tongs from off the altar:
6:7 - And he laid it upon my mouth, and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips; and thine iniquity is taken away, and thy sin purged.

Don’t try this at home.

11:6 - The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.
11:7 - And the cow and the bear shall feed; their young ones shall lie down together: and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.
11:8 - And the sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den.
11:9 - They shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain: for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea.

Sound lovely! :)

13:6 - Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand; it shall come as a destruction from the Almighty.
13:7 - Therefore shall all hands be faint, and every man's heart shall melt:
13:8 - And they shall be afraid: pangs and sorrows shall take hold of them; they shall be in pain as a woman that travaileth: they shall be amazed one at another; their faces shall be as flames.
13:9 - Behold, the day of the LORD cometh, cruel both with wrath and fierce anger, to lay the land desolate: and he shall destroy the sinners thereof out of it.
13:10 - For the stars of heaven and the constellations thereof shall not give their light: the sun shall be darkened in his going forth, and the moon shall not cause her light to shine.

End of the world vibes. It’s funny to imagine that someone is possibly just making all of this up though. Are they laughing?

14:12 - How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!
14:13 - For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north:
14:14 - I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High.
14:15 - Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.

Team devil represent!

16:11 - Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.

You mean like a fart?

19:1 - The burden of Egypt. Behold, the LORD rideth upon a swift cloud, and shall come into Egypt: and the idols of Egypt shall be moved at his presence, and the heart of Egypt shall melt in the midst of it.

Oh so God does fly on clouds then.

20:4 - So shall the king of Assyria lead away the Egyptians prisoners, and the Ethiopians captives, young and old, naked and barefoot, even with their buttocks uncovered, to the shame of Egypt.

Even their buttocks! Shocking. Have I mentioned how much God hates Egypt?

22:12 - And in that day did the Lord GOD of hosts call to weeping, and to mourning, and to baldness, and to girding with sackcloth:
22:13 - And behold joy and gladness, slaying oxen, and killing sheep, eating flesh, and drinking wine: let us eat and drink; for to morrow we shall die.

Might as well when you put it like that.

24:16 - From the uttermost part of the earth have we heard songs, even glory to the righteous. But I said, My leanness, my leanness, woe unto me! the treacherous dealers have dealt treacherously; yea, the treacherous dealers have dealt very treacherously.

Sorry, the what did what?

28:7 - But they also have erred through wine, and through strong drink are out of the way; the priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink, they are swallowed up of wine, they are out of the way through strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in judgment.
28:8 - For all tables are full of vomit and filthiness, so that there is no place clean.

I relate.

30:22 - Ye shall defile also the covering of thy graven images of silver, and the ornament of thy molten images of gold: thou shalt cast them away as a menstruous cloth; thou shalt say unto it, Get thee hence.

Menstruous cloth.

33:1 - Woe to thee that spoilest, and thou wast not spoiled; and dealest treacherously, and they dealt not treacherously with thee! when thou shalt cease to spoil, thou shalt be spoiled; and when thou shalt make an end to deal treacherously, they shall deal treacherously with thee.

No spoilers pls.

34:7 - And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.

There is not a part of this sentence I don't love with all my heart.

42:13 - The LORD shall go forth as a mighty man, he shall stir up jealousy like a man of war: he shall cry, yea, roar; he shall prevail against his enemies.
42:14 - I have long time holden my peace; I have been still, and refrained myself: now will I cry like a travailing woman; I will destroy and devour at once.
42:15 - I will make waste mountains and hills, and dry up all their herbs; and I will make the rivers islands, and I will dry up the pools.
42:16 - And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them.

Rattling off with strange threats again.

43:20 - The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.

Owls and dragons specifically.

45:7 - I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.

The Lord confesses to creating evil because you are nothing but a sick show to him.

46:1 - Bel boweth down, Nebo stoopeth, their idols were upon the beasts, and upon the cattle: your carriages were heavy loaden; they are a burden to the weary beast.

Say that first part out loud, it's fun.

49:26 - And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine: and all flesh shall know that I the LORD am thy Saviour and thy Redeemer, the mighty One of Jacob.

As you do.

55:1 - Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.

God’s party. When I say "hey" you say...?

56:9 - All ye beasts of the field, come to devour, yea, all ye beasts in the forest.
56:10 - His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.
56:11 - Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough, and they are shepherds that cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter.
56:12 - Come ye, say they, I will fetch wine, and we will fill ourselves with strong drink; and to morrow shall be as this day, and much more abundant.

Reading this was enjoyable.

60:16 - Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings: and thou shalt know that I the LORD am thy Saviour and thy Redeemer, the mighty One of Jacob.

Suck the king’s tits.

THE BOOK OF THE PROPHET JEREMIAH

This book was a slight improvement over the last one with a surprising amount of phrases which are so engrained in popular culture that I didn't even know they were biblical.
Regardless, it was still exhausting. I actually stopped myself from taking too many notes because I felt like I was doing so just for the sake of it. But in summary, here's yet another dull preachy story which sounded exactly like so many that came before, done.

1:4 - Then the word of the LORD came unto me, saying,
1:5 - Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
1:6 - Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child.
1:7 - But the LORD said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak.
1:8 - Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the LORD.
1:9 - Then the LORD put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth.

Unsurprisingly, a new prophet enters the game. Jeremiah, hello.

5:6 - Wherefore a lion out of the forest shall slay them, and a wolf of the evenings shall spoil them, a leopard shall watch over their cities: every one that goeth out thence shall be torn in pieces: because their transgressions are many, and their backslidings are increased.
5:7 - How shall I pardon thee for this? thy children have forsaken me, and sworn by them that are no gods: when I had fed them to the full, they then committed adultery, and assembled themselves by troops in the harlots' houses.
5:8 - They were as fed horses in the morning: every one neighed after his neighbour's wife.

Animals break the boredom of my reading.

9:11 - And I will make Jerusalem heaps, and a den of dragons; and I will make the cities of Judah desolate, without an inhabitant.

You know, the Bible talks about dragons a suspicious amount of times.

13:18 - Say unto the king and to the queen, Humble yourselves, sit down: for your principalities shall come down, even the crown of your glory.

Kendrick!

13:23 - Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.

Is that where the leopard saying comes from? And, also, wtf with that Ethiopian remark? Why? Was God a racist? I think so.

17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Another famous line here.

18:3 - Then I went down to the potter's house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.
18:4 - And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.
18:5 - Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying,
18:6 - O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the LORD. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.

As before, here is the overall contradiction of these religions. God admits that he can do what he likes with anyone, he can make them do anything, but at the same time, he becomes angry because we're not doing what he wants us to? It's paradoxical and ludicrous.

19:8 - And I will make this city desolate, and an hissing; every one that passeth thereby shall be astonished and hiss because of all the plagues thereof.
19:9 - And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend in the siege and straitness, wherewith their enemies, and they that seek their lives, shall straiten them.

With Gods likes these, who needs Satans?

24:2 - One basket had very good figs, even like the figs that are first ripe: and the other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad.

Haha naughty figs, so bad!

31:30 - But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grape, his teeth shall be set on edge.

I love this. It sounds so hardcore but it’s not.

36:5 - And Jeremiah commanded Baruch, saying, I am shut up; I cannot go into the house of the LORD:

Haha, I am shut up! And people say the Bible isn't a comedy.

48:26 - Make ye him drunken: for he magnified himself against the LORD: Moab also shall wallow in his vomit, and he also shall be in derision.

Been there.

50:12 - Your mother shall be sore confounded; she that bare you shall be ashamed: behold, the hindermost of the nations shall be a wilderness, a dry land, and a desert.

God hits those yo mama insults pretty hard. “I will make your mama ashamed of you” is super good.

51:20 - Thou art my battle axe and weapons of war: for with thee will I break in pieces the nations, and with thee will I destroy kingdoms;
51:21 - And with thee will I break in pieces the horse and his rider; and with thee will I break in pieces the chariot and his rider;
51:22 - With thee also will I break in pieces man and woman; and with thee will I break in pieces old and young; and with thee will I break in pieces the young man and the maid;
51:23 - I will also break in pieces with thee the shepherd and his flock; and with thee will I break in pieces the husbandman and his yoke of oxen; and with thee will I break in pieces captains and rulers.
51:24 - And I will render unto Babylon and to all the inhabitants of Chaldea all their evil that they have done in Zion in your sight, saith the LORD.
51:25 - Behold, I am against thee, O destroying mountain, saith the LORD, which destroyest all the earth: and I will stretch out mine hand upon thee, and roll thee down from the rocks, and will make thee a burnt mountain.

Escalating quickly as per God.

THE LAMENTATIONS OF JEREMIAH

Another short chapter (thank God lol) focusing on the destruction of Jerusalem.

2:11 - Mine eyes do fail with tears, my bowels are troubled, my liver is poured upon the earth, for the destruction of the daughter of my people; because the children and the sucklings swoon in the streets of the city.
2:12 - They say to their mothers, Where is corn and wine? when they swooned as the wounded in the streets of the city, when their soul was poured out into their mothers' bosom.

The poetics are back in full force.

2:15 - All that pass by clap their hands at thee; they hiss and wag their head at the daughter of Jerusalem, saying, Is this the city that men call The perfection of beauty, The joy of the whole earth?
2:16 - All thine enemies have opened their mouth against thee: they hiss and gnash the teeth: they say, We have swallowed her up: certainly this is the day that we looked for; we have found, we have seen it.

Jerusalem fell hard.

4:3 - Even the sea monsters draw out the breast, they give suck to their young ones: the daughter of my people is become cruel, like the ostriches in the wilderness.
4:4 - The tongue of the sucking child cleaveth to the roof of his mouth for thirst: the young children ask bread, and no man breaketh it unto them.
4:5 - They that did feed delicately are desolate in the streets: they that were brought up in scarlet embrace dunghills.
4:6 - For the punishment of the iniquity of the daughter of my people is greater than the punishment of the sin of Sodom, that was overthrown as in a moment, and no hands stayed on her.
4:7 - Her Nazarites were purer than snow, they were whiter than milk, they were more ruddy in body than rubies, their polishing was of sapphire:
4:8 - Their visage is blacker than a coal; they are not known in the streets: their skin cleaveth to their bones; it is withered, it is become like a stick.
4:9 - They that be slain with the sword are better than they that be slain with hunger: for these pine away, stricken through for want of the fruits of the field.
4:10 - The hands of the pitiful women have sodden their own children: they were their meat in the destruction of the daughter of my people.
4:11 - The LORD hath accomplished his fury; he hath poured out his fierce anger, and hath kindled a fire in Zion, and it hath devoured the foundations thereof.

One of the most interesting aspects of the Bible is how different the standard of writing is between the multiple authors behind it. This specific book is so far superior to the last two that it's almost criminal they were allowed to be paged next to one another.

THE BOOK OF THE PROPHET EZEKIEL

1:3 - The word of the LORD came expressly unto Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, in the land of the Chaldeans by the river Chebar; and the hand of the LORD was there upon him.

You have unlocked a new prophet!

1:5 - Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.
1:6 - And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.
1:7 - And their feet were straight feet; and the sole of their feet was like the sole of a calf's foot: and they sparkled like the colour of burnished brass.
1:8 - And they had the hands of a man under their wings on their four sides; and they four had their faces and their wings.
1:9 - Their wings were joined one to another; they turned not when they went; they went every one straight forward.
1:10 - As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.
1:11 - Thus were their faces: and their wings were stretched upward; two wings of every one were joined one to another, and two covered their bodies.
1:12 - And they went every one straight forward: whither the spirit was to go, they went; and they turned not when they went.
1:13 - As for the likeness of the living creatures, their appearance was like burning coals of fire, and like the appearance of lamps: it went up and down among the living creatures; and the fire was bright, and out of the fire went forth lightning.
1:14 - And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning.

Fantastic character design.

4:4 - Lie thou also upon thy left side, and lay the iniquity of the house of Israel upon it: according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon it thou shalt bear their iniquity.
4:5 - For I have laid upon thee the years of their iniquity, according to the number of the days, three hundred and ninety days: so shalt thou bear the iniquity of the house of Israel.
4:6 - And when thou hast accomplished them, lie again on thy right side, and thou shalt bear the iniquity of the house of Judah forty days: I have appointed thee each day for a year.

Lie on your side for 390 days? Then turn over for another 40? That’s a harsh request.

4:12 - And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

That sounds like it might make you sick.

5:10 - Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers; and I will execute judgments in thee, and the whole remnant of thee will I scatter into all the winds.

God is at it again.

6:5 - And I will lay the dead carcases of the children of Israel before their idols; and I will scatter your bones round about your altars.

God ranting all over the place with his craziness, every so often he does this.

10:10 - And as for their appearances, they four had one likeness, as if a wheel had been in the midst of a wheel.
10:11 - When they went, they went upon their four sides; they turned not as they went, but to the place whither the head looked they followed it; they turned not as they went.
10:12 - And their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels, were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had.
10:13 - As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel.
10:14 - And every one had four faces: the first face was the face of a cherub, and the second face was the face of a man, and the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle.
10:15 - And the cherubims were lifted up. This is the living creature that I saw by the river of Chebar.

This guy is hallucinating hard again.

13:4 - O Israel, thy prophets are like the foxes in the deserts.

This is such a random line which doesn't explain itself whatsoever lol.

16:6 - And when I passed by thee, and saw thee polluted in thine own blood, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live; yea, I said unto thee when thou wast in thy blood, Live.
16:7 - I have caused thee to multiply as the bud of the field, and thou hast increased and waxen great, and thou art come to excellent ornaments: thy breasts are fashioned, and thine hair is grown, whereas thou wast naked and bare.
16:8 - Now when I passed by thee, and looked upon thee, behold, thy time was the time of love; and I spread my skirt over thee, and covered thy nakedness: yea, I sware unto thee, and entered into a covenant with thee, saith the Lord GOD, and thou becamest mine.
16:9 - Then washed I thee with water; yea, I throughly washed away thy blood from thee, and I anointed thee with oil.
16:10 - I clothed thee also with broidered work, and shod thee with badgers' skin, and I girded thee about with fine linen, and I covered thee with silk.
16:11 - I decked thee also with ornaments, and I put bracelets upon thy hands, and a chain on thy neck.
16:12 - And I put a jewel on thy forehead, and earrings in thine ears, and a beautiful crown upon thine head.
16:13 - Thus wast thou decked with gold and silver; and thy raiment was of fine linen, and silk, and broidered work; thou didst eat fine flour, and honey, and oil: and thou wast exceeding beautiful, and thou didst prosper into a kingdom.
16:14 - And thy renown went forth among the heathen for thy beauty: for it was perfect through my comeliness, which I had put upon thee, saith the Lord GOD.

Comparing Jerusalem to a woman. Naturally, this woman goes on to become a whore who’s ultimately stoned to death because God loves this sorta thing.

18:6 - And hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, neither hath defiled his neighbour's wife, neither hath come near to a menstruous woman,

Once again, don’t go near a girl on her period, ew grossy gross cooties nonono.

22:9 - In thee are men that carry tales to shed blood: and in thee they eat upon the mountains: in the midst of thee they commit lewdness.
22:10 - In thee have they discovered their fathers' nakedness: in thee have they humbled her that was set apart for pollution.
22:11 - And one hath committed abomination with his neighbour's wife; and another hath lewdly defiled his daughter in law; and another in thee hath humbled his sister, his father's daughter.

Evil sex stuff.

23:3 - And they committed whoredoms in Egypt; they committed whoredoms in their youth: there were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity.

Descriptive.

25:17 - And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.

I can't believe I didn't realise this, but Tarantino completely made up 90% of that famous Pulp Fiction speech! This is the only line that actually exists here! Should have known! Damnit, Quentin, why u lyk so.

29:4 - But I will put hooks in thy jaws, and I will cause the fish of thy rivers to stick unto thy scales, and I will bring thee up out of the midst of thy rivers, and all the fish of thy rivers shall stick unto thy scales.

That's a weird one.

29:18 - Son of man, Nebuchadrezzar king of Babylon caused his army to serve a great service against Tyrus: every head was made bald, and every shoulder was peeled: yet had he no wages, nor his army, for Tyrus, for the service that he had served against it:

Peeling shoulders, nice one.

34:16 - I will seek that which was lost, and bring again that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick: but I will destroy the fat and the strong; I will feed them with judgment.

Feed them with judgement.

37:7 - So I prophesied as I was commanded: and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold a shaking, and the bones came together, bone to his bone.
37:8 - And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them.

This is a huge move by God there, turning dry bones back to people.

37:11 - Then he said unto me, Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel: behold, they say, Our bones are dried, and our hope is lost: we are cut off for our parts.
37:12 - Therefore prophesy and say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, O my people, I will open your graves, and cause you to come up out of your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel.
37:13 - And ye shall know that I am the LORD, when I have opened your graves, O my people, and brought you up out of your graves,
37:14 - And shall put my spirit in you, and ye shall live, and I shall place you in your own land: then shall ye know that I the LORD have spoken it, and performed it, saith the LORD.

God is going power-crazy here, just raising zombies all over the place like it ain’t no thang.

37:19 - Say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will take the stick of Joseph, which is in the hand of Ephraim, and the tribes of Israel his fellows, and will put them with him, even with the stick of Judah, and make them one stick, and they shall be one in mine hand.

Join two sticks together and make one. That's my kinda magic!

40:4 - And the man said unto me, Son of man, behold with thine eyes, and hear with thine ears, and set thine heart upon all that I shall shew thee; for to the intent that I might shew them unto thee art thou brought hither: declare all that thou seest to the house of Israel.

From here it goes through some long and detailed instructions about building a temple again just in case you ever wanted to make one at home (even though God doesn't actually want you to do that). Naturally, this includes a healthy dose of animal sacrifice.

44:22 - Neither shall they take for their wives a widow, nor her that is put away: but they shall take maidens of the seed of the house of Israel, or a widow that had a priest before.

Rules for the priests are different. So they kinda just bounce women around between them or what?

THE BOOK OF DANIEL

Daniel is basically just a dude who is on one long acid trip, forever experiencing tons of visions, he is the vision master.

1:4 - Children in whom was no blemish, but well favoured, and skilful in all wisdom, and cunning in knowledge, and understanding science, and such as had ability in them to stand in the king's palace, and whom they might teach the learning and the tongue of the Chaldeans.

See? Science and religion are not mutually exclusive.

1:17 - As for these four children, God gave them knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom: and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams.
1:18 - Now at the end of the days that the king had said he should bring them in, then the prince of the eunuchs brought them in before Nebuchadnezzar.
1:19 - And the king communed with them; and among them all was found none like Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah: therefore stood they before the king.
1:20 - And in all matters of wisdom and understanding, that the king enquired of them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and astrologers that were in all his realm.

Building an X-Men team.

2:2 - Then the king commanded to call the magicians, and the astrologers, and the sorcerers, and the Chaldeans, for to shew the king his dreams. So they came and stood before the king.
2:3 - And the king said unto them, I have dreamed a dream, and my spirit was troubled to know the dream.
2:4 - Then spake the Chaldeans to the king in Syriack, O king, live for ever: tell thy servants the dream, and we will shew the interpretation.
2:5 - The king answered and said to the Chaldeans, The thing is gone from me: if ye will not make known unto me the dream, with the interpretation thereof, ye shall be cut in pieces, and your houses shall be made a dunghill.
2:6 - But if ye shew the dream, and the interpretation thereof, ye shall receive of me gifts and rewards and great honour: therefore shew me the dream, and the interpretation thereof.

So, just to catchup, the king had a dream but he forgot it. And yet he still demanded that these dudes not only tell him what the dream was but they must also provide him with the exact interpretation, otherwise he will cut them up into little bits. Daniel cracked it, something about how God is super great, which is exactly what I would have said myself.

3:26 - Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, came forth of the midst of the fire.
3:27 - And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king's counsellors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.

These guys were cast into a furnace which was seven times hotter than your usual furnace. Oh, but look! Not a scratch.

4:8 - But at the last Daniel came in before me, whose name was Belteshazzar, according to the name of my god, and in whom is the spirit of the holy gods: and before him I told the dream, saying,

Daniel’s name just casually changed here because the Bible.

5:5 - In the same hour came forth fingers of a man's hand, and wrote over against the candlestick upon the plaister of the wall of the king's palace: and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote.
5:6 - Then the king's countenance was changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against another.

This king is forever spooked.

6:16 - Then the king commanded, and they brought Daniel, and cast him into the den of lions. Now the king spake and said unto Daniel, Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee.

Ok so this is somewhat confusing, but Daniel interpreted the spooky writing above to be about how God is cool and the kingdom needs to be reevaluated, whatever. The king was stoked with the results and he really loved Daniel at this point, which naturally caused much jealousy in other people. So these people decided to take Daniel down which they did by convincing the king to sign a royal decree which disallowed prayer. Of course, Daniel is a super God groupie so he disobeyed the law and that leads us to this classic Bible story. Daniel was thrown to the lions, God got involved, the lions didn't touch Daniel, and the king was really apologetic about what the whole ordeal.

8:3 - Then I lifted up mine eyes, and saw, and, behold, there stood before the river a ram which had two horns: and the two horns were high; but one was higher than the other, and the higher came up last.
8:3 - I saw the ram pushing westward, and northward, and southward; so that no beasts might stand before him, neither was there any that could deliver out of his hand; but he did according to his will, and became great.
8:3 - And as I was considering, behold, an he goat came from the west on the face of the whole earth, and touched not the ground: and the goat had a notable horn between his eyes.
8:3 - And he came to the ram that had two horns, which I had seen standing before the river, and ran unto him in the fury of his power.
8:3 - And I saw him come close unto the ram, and he was moved with choler against him, and smote the ram, and brake his two horns: and there was no power in the ram to stand before him, but he cast him down to the ground, and stamped upon him: and there was none that could deliver the ram out of his hand.

Fight scene between a mutant rams and goat, pretty sweet.

12:10 - Many shall be purified, and made white, and tried; but the wicked shall do wickedly: and none of the wicked shall understand; but the wise shall understand.

Made white though. Here's some Nazi ammunition for you.

THE BOOK OF HOSEA

Talk about putting the ho into hosea, this short book says the word whore so many times as it focuses a lot of its energy on the infidelity of woman. Not men, mind you.

1:2 - The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.

Setting the whore tone nice and early.

2:16 - And it shall be at that day, saith the LORD, that thou shalt call me Ishi; and shalt call me no more Baali.

So confusing! In the First Book of Kings (18:18), God differentiates himself from Baali, saying that this is a false God. Now he claims that he was the Baali they were calling upon all along but, either way, call him Ishi now. God is a crazy person, the evidence is endless, he is the least rational character I've read in any book ever.

9:15 - All their wickedness is in Gilgal: for there I hated them: for the wickedness of their doings I will drive them out of mine house, I will love them no more: all their princes are revolters.

This sounds like a temper tantrum to me.

13:16 - Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

Very specific.

THE BOOK OF JOEL

The books become significantly shorter around this point, obviously meaning that less text will be extracted. And, let me tell you, this was such a relief.

1:4 - That which the palmerworm hath left hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpiller eaten.
1:5 - Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth.

This is not the first time they've mentioned new wine. What is it? I want some.

1:6 - For a nation is come up upon my land, strong, and without number, whose teeth are the teeth of a lion, and he hath the cheek teeth of a great lion.

Lazy poetry.

2:3 - A fire devoureth before them; and behind them a flame burneth: the land is as the garden of Eden before them, and behind them a desolate wilderness; yea, and nothing shall escape them.
2:4 - The appearance of them is as the appearance of horses; and as horsemen, so shall they run.
2:5 - Like the noise of chariots on the tops of mountains shall they leap, like the noise of a flame of fire that devoureth the stubble, as a strong people set in battle array.
2:6 - Before their face the people shall be much pained: all faces shall gather blackness.
2:7 - They shall run like mighty men; they shall climb the wall like men of war; and they shall march every one on his ways, and they shall not break their ranks:
2:8 - Neither shall one thrust another; they shall walk every one in his path: and when they fall upon the sword, they shall not be wounded.
2:9 - They shall run to and fro in the city; they shall run upon the wall, they shall climb up upon the houses; they shall enter in at the windows like a thief.
2:10 - The earth shall quake before them; the heavens shall tremble: the sun and the moon shall be dark, and the stars shall withdraw their shining:

Alright! The horsemen, yeah?

3:3 - And they have cast lots for my people; and have given a boy for an harlot, and sold a girl for wine, that they might drink.

Heavy. They only "might" drink it after all that.

THE BOOK OF AMOS

This book felt like someone (Amos) was trying to write their own Bible verses based on the previous ones but they couldn’t quite convincingly mimic it.

3:4 - Will a lion roar in the forest, when he hath no prey? will a young lion cry out of his den, if he have taken nothing?
3:5 - Can a bird fall in a snare upon the earth, where no gin is for him? shall one take up a snare from the earth, and have taken nothing at all?
3:6 - Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
3:7 - Surely the Lord GOD will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.
3:8 - The lion hath roared, who will not fear? the Lord GOD hath spoken, who can but prophesy?

That sounds like ramble rubbish to me. Pseudoprofoundary.

4:6 - And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.

C'mon guys. He gave us clean teeth and bread. I mean, like, c'mon.

4:10 - I have sent among you the pestilence after the manner of Egypt: your young men have I slain with the sword, and have taken away your horses; and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.

Stink to nostrils, I like.

5:8 - Seek him that maketh the seven stars and Orion, and turneth the shadow of death into the morning, and maketh the day dark with night: that calleth for the waters of the sea, and poureth them out upon the face of the earth: The LORD is his name:

Orion's seven stars, yup. Just shows how much hasn’t actually changed in that regard.

5:19 - As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him.

Unlucky.

8:1 - Thus hath the Lord GOD shewed unto me: and behold a basket of summer fruit.
8:2 - And he said, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A basket of summer fruit. Then said the LORD unto me, The end is come upon my people of Israel; I will not again pass by them any more.

Haha so random. Look at this basket of fruit! The end is coming!

THE BOOK OF OBADIAH

As the "shortest book in the Hebrew Bible" there was not enough content here to get any value from Obadiah. Moving on then.

THE BOOK OF JONAH

This famous book was a fantastic and brief read, one of the best, highly recommended.

1:1 - Now the word of the LORD came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying,
1:2 - Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me.
1:3 - But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD.

BWHAHAHA Jonah was like, "fuck that!"

1:4 - But the LORD sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken.
1:5 - Then the mariners were afraid, and cried every man unto his god, and cast forth the wares that were in the ship into the sea, to lighten it of them. But Jonah was gone down into the sides of the ship; and he lay, and was fast asleep.

Hahaha I love Jonah!

1:10 - Then were the men exceedingly afraid, and said unto him, Why hast thou done this? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of the LORD, because he had told them.

Jonah! Why did you tell them, you fool?

1:15 - So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea: and the sea ceased from her raging.

Easy solution. Jonah actually suggested this, by the way. Guess you can only run from an omnipresent diety for so long before you realise how futile such a concept is.

1:17 - Now the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Classic.

2:10 - And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.

Jonah prayed his way out. Also, wasn't this supposed to be a whale? I guess we just assumed.

4:1 - But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was very angry.
4:2 - And he prayed unto the LORD, and said, I pray thee, O LORD, was not this my saying, when I was yet in my country? Therefore I fled before unto Tarshish: for I knew that thou art a gracious God, and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repentest thee of the evil.
4:3 - Therefore now, O LORD, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live.
4:4 - Then said the LORD, Doest thou well to be angry?
4:5 - So Jonah went out of the city, and sat on the east side of the city, and there made him a booth, and sat under it in the shadow, till he might see what would become of the city.
4:6 - And the LORD God prepared a gourd, and made it to come up over Jonah, that it might be a shadow over his head, to deliver him from his grief. So Jonah was exceeding glad of the gourd.
4:7 - But God prepared a worm when the morning rose the next day, and it smote the gourd that it withered.
4:8 - And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live.

God is so evil.

THE BOOK OF MICAH

3:2 - Who hate the good, and love the evil; who pluck off their skin from off them, and their flesh from off their bones;
3:3 - Who also eat the flesh of my people, and flay their skin from off them; and they break their bones, and chop them in pieces, as for the pot, and as flesh within the caldron.

Who is doing this though, for real?

6:5 - O my people, remember now what Balak king of Moab consulted, and what Balaam the son of Beor answered him from Shittim unto Gilgal; that ye may know the righteousness of the LORD.

Shittim, lol.

7:17 - They shall lick the dust like a serpent, they shall move out of their holes like worms of the earth: they shall be afraid of the LORD our God, and shall fear because of thee.

This book is good with its threats. It's original.

THE BOOK OF NAHUM

1:2 - God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; the LORD will take vengeance on his adversaries, and he reserveth wrath for his enemies.

Yes, we know.

3:4 - Because of the multitude of the whoredoms of the wellfavoured harlot, the mistress of witchcrafts, that selleth nations through her whoredoms, and families through her witchcrafts.

My kinda gal! I’m making useless notes at this point.

3:16 - Thou hast multiplied thy merchants above the stars of heaven: the cankerworm spoileth, and flieth away.
3:17 - Thy crowned are as the locusts, and thy captains as the great grasshoppers, which camp in the hedges in the cold day, but when the sun ariseth they flee away, and their place is not known where they are.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nahum. But I like it.

THE BOOK OF HABAKKUK

1:6 - For, lo, I raise up the Chaldeans, that bitter and hasty nation, which shall march through the breadth of the land, to possess the dwellingplaces that are not theirs.
1:7 - They are terrible and dreadful: their judgment and their dignity shall proceed of themselves.
1:8 - Their horses also are swifter than the leopards, and are more fierce than the evening wolves: and their horsemen shall spread themselves, and their horsemen shall come from far; they shall fly as the eagle that hasteth to eat.
1:9 - They shall come all for violence: their faces shall sup up as the east wind, and they shall gather the captivity as the sand.
1:10 - And they shall scoff at the kings, and the princes shall be a scorn unto them: they shall deride every strong hold; for they shall heap dust, and take it.

There goes the neighbourhood.

2:15 - Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken also, that thou mayest look on their nakedness!

Hahaha I’m so glad that’s in here. I feel like something happened to Habakkuk.

3:15 - Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses, through the heap of great waters.
3:16 - When I heard, my belly trembled; my lips quivered at the voice: rottenness entered into my bones, and I trembled in myself, that I might rest in the day of trouble: when he cometh up unto the people, he will invade them with his troops.
3:17 - Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:
3:18 - Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

That's faith for ya.

THE BOOK OF ZEPHANIAH

1:2 - I will utterly consume all things from off the land, saith the LORD.
1:3 - I will consume man and beast; I will consume the fowls of the heaven, and the fishes of the sea, and the stumblingblocks with the wicked; and I will cut off man from off the land, saith the LORD.

God coming out swinging again.

3:8 - Therefore wait ye upon me, saith the LORD, until the day that I rise up to the prey: for my determination is to gather the nations, that I may assemble the kingdoms, to pour upon them mine indignation, even all my fierce anger: for all the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy.

Sure. So many threats though, hey. Here's a question: where is he? None of this has happened.

3:17 - The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

Now and again, though... now and again... God is like... sweet?

THE BOOK OF HAGGAI

1:6 - Ye have sown much, and bring in little; ye eat, but ye have not enough; ye drink, but ye are not filled with drink; ye clothe you, but there is none warm; and he that earneth wages earneth wages to put it into a bag with holes.

Haha bag with holes. So inconvenient.

2:8 - The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.

Materialistic God.

THE BOOK OF ZECHARIAH

3:1 - And he shewed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to resist him.

I wonder if this is where the devil/angel on the shoulder vibe originates?

5:1 - Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll.
5:2 - And he said unto me, What seest thou? And I answered, I see a flying roll; the length thereof is twenty cubits, and the breadth thereof ten cubits.
5:3 - Then said he unto me, This is the curse that goeth forth over the face of the whole earth: for every one that stealeth shall be cut off as on this side according to it; and every one that sweareth shall be cut off as on that side according to it.

What kind of stupid acid trip is this rubbish?

6:12 - And speak unto him, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, saying, Behold the man whose name is The BRANCH; and he shall grow up out of his place, and he shall build the temple of the LORD:

Haha running out of names?

10:3 - Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats: for the LORD of hosts hath visited his flock the house of Judah, and hath made them as his goodly horse in the battle.

Leave the goats alone though maybe please.

12:2 - Behold, I will make Jerusalem a cup of trembling unto all the people round about, when they shall be in the siege both against Judah and against Jerusalem.

"A cup of trembling" is just the kind of poetics we like around here.

12:4 - In that day, saith the LORD, I will smite every horse with astonishment, and his rider with madness: and I will open mine eyes upon the house of Judah, and will smite every horse of the people with blindness.

Four mad men on astonished horses, such subtle curses, I love it.

THE BOOK OF MALACHI

2:1 - And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you.
2:2 - If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.
2:3 - Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

Omg right there! RIGHT THERE! 2:3, that's why the Catholic priests molest little boys! Their seed has been corrupted with by the Lord! Also, faeces on their faces, lol.

4:6 - And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.

The final words of the Old Testament.

Read This Next Maybe

I Read Dianetics (Scientology Book One) So You Don't Have To

THE NEW
TESTAMENT

Before we get to it, I want to take a moment to show my respects to the New Testament as a lovely piece of literature in itself. This is more the Bible you would imagine it, far more compassionate and welcoming. In that way, it is like a revision of the Old Testament, intentionally undoing a lot of these more aggressive teachings and replacing them with words from Jesus, who is the hero we all need. It's strange, for someone like myself who identifies as an agnostic, I felt legitimately closer to this iconic figure after reading this. They sold him really well, he came with nice packaging. I just hope this is all true because it's an epic story if there ever was one.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MATTHEW

1:16 - And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.
1:17 - So all the generations from Abraham to David are fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon are fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ are fourteen generations.

A quick family tree here, linking Abraham down to Jesus himself.

1:23 - Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.

This is all common knowledge. Apparently, a ghost also appeared to Joseph and was like, "It’s cool, bro. Marry Mary".

2:11 - And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.

Nativity scene.

2:16 - Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men.

Herod was the king of that time and he killed every baby trying to get to Jesus. Pretty intense! Thankfully, Mary had escaped to Egypt, because the Lord had insider info and told her so.

3:16 - And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:
3:17 - And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

This book moves fast. Jesus is an adult already?

4:1 - Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.
4:2 - And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred.
4:3 - And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.
4:4 - But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

The Devil is tempting Jesus but Jesus is having none of it. Jesus is just dropping them Jesus quotes like whatup.

4:8 - Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them;
4:9 - And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.
4:10 - Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.
4:11 - Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.

Your boy gone and done it.

4:18 - And Jesus, walking by the sea of Galilee, saw two brethren, Simon called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea: for they were fishers.
4:19 - And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.

Disciples coming! Also this is the verse that the Children of God (Family International) cult used to justify their use of "Flirty Fishing" aka religious prostitution. It's where the more attractive females from the congregation lured men into their midsts using the power of their vaginas.

4:23 - And Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.
4:24 - And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them.

I mean, imagine this all true? This dude is such a G, I love Jesus.

5:2 - And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
5:3 - Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
5:4 - Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5:5 - Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
5:6 - Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
5:7 - Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
5:8 - Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
5:9 - Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
5:10 - Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
5:11 - Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

He’s a good guy.

5:17 - Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

Don’t stress, Jesus is here

5:27 - Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
5:28 - But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Don’t even think about it.

5:29 - And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
5:30 - And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

I think if Jesus knew how far and long his words would expand, then he would have chosen his phrasing a little more carefully.

5:31 - It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
5:32 - But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

Jesus was very anti-divorce.

5:38 - Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
5:39 - But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Contradicting the Old Testament here, I like it.

5:44 - But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

This is more the Bible stuff I had in mind.

6:1 - Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
6:2 - Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

I've read the Quran and one thing which always stuck with me (and I wholeheartedly follow this) is that when you give, give in secret. Don't make a big deal out of your selflessness or generosity or charity because that detracts from the purity of it. It's good that the Bible feels the same way.

6:7 - But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

Do not use repetition in prayer. Strange, no one told me this. What's the Lord's Prayer all about then?

6:9 - After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
6:10 - Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
6:11 - Give us this day our daily bread.
6:12 - And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
6:13 - And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
6:14 - For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
6:15 - But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Speaking of which, here that prayer is. It's the big one!

6:25 - Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
6:26 - Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

No worries, God got ya.

6:31 - Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
6:32 - (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
6:33 - But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
6:34 - Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

As above.

7:1 - Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Monumental quote bomb here.

7:7 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

All the classics!

7:28 - And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.
7:29 - And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine:

I guess this is what it’s all about.

8:2 - And, behold, there came a leper and worshipped him, saying, Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.
8:3 - And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.

Pow.

8:19 - And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest.
8:20 - And Jesus saith unto him, The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head.
8:21 - And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
8:22 - But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.

There's a lot here.

8:24 - And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
8:25 - And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
8:26 - And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
8:27 - But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!

Haha Jesus is so cool.

8:31 - So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine.
8:32 - And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters.

Jesus moved the spirits of possession from a man to some pigs who then killed themselves.

9:24 - He said unto them, Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth. And they laughed him to scorn.
9:25 - But when the people were put forth, he went in, and took her by the hand, and the maid arose.
9:26 - And the fame hereof went abroad into all that land.

Raising the dead, sure, that's one way to become famous. It’s an amazing story really. That's how Jesus showed the way, literally by just walking around and healing people. And it made him hugely popular.

10:1 - And when he had called unto him his twelve disciples, he gave them power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness and all manner of disease.

Giving superpowers to his disciples.

10:30 - But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Completely out of context but I wanted to keep it.

12:22 - Then was brought unto him one possessed with a devil, blind, and dumb: and he healed him, insomuch that the blind and dumb both spake and saw.
12:23 - And all the people were amazed, and said, Is not this the son of David?
12:24 - But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, This fellow doth not cast out devils, but by Beelzebub the prince of the devils.
12:25 - And Jesus knew their thoughts, and said unto them, Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and every city or house divided against itself shall not stand:
12:26 - And if Satan cast out Satan, he is divided against himself; how shall then his kingdom stand?

Sound logic.

13:15 - For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.

Waxed gross. I've seen some things of which this description applies.

13:54 - And when he was come into his own country, he taught them in their synagogue, insomuch that they were astonished, and said, Whence hath this man this wisdom, and these mighty works?
13:55 - Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas?
13:56 - And his sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things?
13:57 - And they were offended in him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.
13:58 - And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief.

Jesus had sisters. Also, 13:57 is one of my favourite Bible lines of all time. It’s why I travel.

14:10 - And he sent, and beheaded John in the prison.

John the Baptist was beheaded. Try and raise that shit.

14:17 - And they say unto him, We have here but five loaves, and two fishes.
14:18 - He said, Bring them hither to me.
14:19 - And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.
14:20 - And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the fragments that remained twelve baskets full.
14:21 - And they that had eaten were about five thousand men, beside women and children.

Classic Christ magic.

14:24 - But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.
14:25 - And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
14:26 - And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
14:27 - But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
14:28 - And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
14:29 - And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
14:30 - But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
14:31 - And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
14:32 - And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
14:33 - Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.

How can you not love Jesus? Even if you want to be a dick about it and claim he's fictional, then he is one of the raddest fictional characters ever written, undoubtedly. No matter which way you look at it, he's one of the greatest pieces of human timeline we have.

15:29 - And Jesus departed from thence, and came nigh unto the sea of Galilee; and went up into a mountain, and sat down there.
15:30 - And great multitudes came unto him, having with them those that were lame, blind, dumb, maimed, and many others, and cast them down at Jesus' feet; and he healed them:
15:31 - Insomuch that the multitude wondered, when they saw the dumb to speak, the maimed to be whole, the lame to walk, and the blind to see: and they glorified the God of Israel.
15:32 - Then Jesus called his disciples unto him, and said, I have compassion on the multitude, because they continue with me now three days, and have nothing to eat: and I will not send them away fasting, lest they faint in the way.

Jesus just sits there healing people now, I love that. He performs the food miracle again here.

16:23 - But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.

There's that Satan line.

18:3 - And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Kids get into heaven for free.

18:9 - And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

Do it.

18:12 - How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?
18:13 - And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.

True.

19:7 - They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
19:8 - He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

Here’s Jesus contradicting Moses. Ballsy move. He does a shoddy job of it too but at least they address these inconsistencies directly.

19:23 - Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.
19:24 - And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
19:25 - When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?
19:26 - But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

This always stuck with me as a total cop-out. It literally means nothing. "It's impossible to do this thing, except with God, the impossible is possible, so it's actually possible".

20:17 - And Jesus going up to Jerusalem took the twelve disciples apart in the way, and said unto them,
20:18 - Behold, we go up to Jerusalem; and the Son of man shall be betrayed unto the chief priests and unto the scribes, and they shall condemn him to death,
20:19 - And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock, and to scourge, and to crucify him: and the third day he shall rise again.

Jesus calls it.

22:17 - Tell us therefore, What thinkest thou? Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar, or not?
22:18 - But Jesus perceived their wickedness, and said, Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites?
22:19 - Shew me the tribute money. And they brought unto him a penny.
22:20 - And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription?
22:21 - They say unto him, Caesar's. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.

Ceaser is in the Bible because he’s on the coin. This is something I will come back to later.

22:36 - Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
22:37 - Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
22:38 - This is the first and great commandment.
22:39 - And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
22:40 - On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

What I love about this is that George Carlin once performed a very similar stand-up routine as if he was on the front line of intellectual thought, lumping and combining the commandments down until he basically dismissed the whole thing. Well, sorry to burst your Bible, Carlin, but Jesus already did this, illustrating that the 10 Commandments could be basically whittled down to a belief in God and simply not being a dick. In fact, this entire condescending "comedy" clip actually proves that Carlin has never read the book in multiple spots. "Thou Shalt Keep Thy Religion to Thyself" concludes the man who just spent seven minutes publicly spouting his opinion on religion. Hypocritical bitter old atheists are frequently the most annoying.

26:14 - Then one of the twelve, called Judas Iscariot, went unto the chief priests,
26:15 - And said unto them, What will ye give me, and I will deliver him unto you? And they covenanted with him for thirty pieces of silver.
26:16 - And from that time he sought opportunity to betray him.

Judaaaaas!

26:47 - And while he yet spake, lo, Judas, one of the twelve, came, and with him a great multitude with swords and staves, from the chief priests and elders of the people.
26:48 - Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast.
26:49 - And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, Hail, master; and kissed him.
26:50 - And Jesus said unto him, Friend, wherefore art thou come? Then came they, and laid hands on Jesus, and took him.
26:51 - And, behold, one of them which were with Jesus stretched out his hand, and drew his sword, and struck a servant of the high priest's, and smote off his ear.

They got him. Also, wasn't Jesus supposed to reattach the ear? That didn't happen.

26:69 - Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.
26:70 - But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest.
26:71 - And when he was gone out into the porch, another maid saw him, and said unto them that were there, This fellow was also with Jesus of Nazareth.
26:72 - And again he denied with an oath, I do not know the man.
26:73 - And after a while came unto him they that stood by, and said to Peter, Surely thou also art one of them; for thy speech bewrayeth thee.
26:74 - Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the cock crew.
26:75 - And Peter remembered the word of Jesus, which said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And he went out, and wept bitterly.

Poor Jesus though. Everyone turns on him.

27:3 - Then Judas, which had betrayed him, when he saw that he was condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders,
27:4 - Saying, I have sinned in that I have betrayed the innocent blood. And they said, What is that to us? see thou to that.
27:5 - And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself.

Oh, Judas kills himself? I did not know that somehow.

27:20 - But the chief priests and elders persuaded the multitude that they should ask Barabbas, and destroy Jesus.
27:21 - The governor answered and said unto them, Whether of the twain will ye that I release unto you? They said, Barabbas.
27:22 - Pilate saith unto them, What shall I do then with Jesus which is called Christ? They all say unto him, Let him be crucified.
27:23 - And the governor said, Why, what evil hath he done? But they cried out the more, saying, Let him be crucified.
27:24 - When Pilate saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see ye to it.
27:25 - Then answered all the people, and said, His blood be on us, and on our children.
27:26 - Then released he Barabbas unto them: and when he had scourged Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified.

Never forget that the people chose to kill Jesus. Jewish people.

27:29 - And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews!

Important.

27:34 - They gave him vinegar to drink mingled with gall: and when he had tasted thereof, he would not drink.
27:35 - And they crucified him, and parted his garments, casting lots: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, They parted my garments among them, and upon my vesture did they cast lots.
27:36 - And sitting down they watched him there;
27:37 - And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS.

It’s happening.

27:38 - Then were there two thieves crucified with him, one on the right hand, and another on the left.
27:39 - And they that passed by reviled him, wagging their heads,
27:40 - And saying, Thou that destroyest the temple, and buildest it in three days, save thyself. If thou be the Son of God, come down from the cross.
27:41 - Likewise also the chief priests mocking him, with the scribes and elders, said,
27:42 - He saved others; himself he cannot save. If he be the King of Israel, let him now come down from the cross, and we will believe him.
27:43 - He trusted in God; let him deliver him now, if he will have him: for he said, I am the Son of God.
27:44 - The thieves also, which were crucified with him, cast the same in his teeth.

Jesus mocked by his fellow criminals. It's difficult to find a line in this whole chapter which isn't noteworthy.

27:45 - Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour.
27:46 - And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
27:47 - Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
27:48 - And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
27:49 - The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
27:50 - Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
27:51 - And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;
27:52 - And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
27:53 - And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.
27:54 - Now when the centurion, and they that were with him, watching Jesus, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they feared greatly, saying, Truly this was the Son of God.

Jesus dies and some crazy stuff went down.

27:56 - Among which was Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's children.

Mary Magdalene is the lady whom many theorise was Jesus' true love. The woman written out of the Bible by the patriarchy.

27:63 - Saying, Sir, we remember that that deceiver said, while he was yet alive, After three days I will rise again.
27:64 - Command therefore that the sepulchre be made sure until the third day, lest his disciples come by night, and steal him away, and say unto the people, He is risen from the dead: so the last error shall be worse than the first.
27:65 - Pilate said unto them, Ye have a watch: go your way, make it as sure as ye can.
27:66 - So they went, and made the sepulchre sure, sealing the stone, and setting a watch.

This is pretty amazing to me. The men in charge actually anticipated the disciples to fake Jesus' resurrection hence why they did their best to ensure this would not happen. To call attention to the cynic's theory is a smooth move, it really helps to cement the believability of it all.

28:1 - In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.
28:2 - And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
28:3 - His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
28:4 - And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men.
28:5 - And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
28:6 - He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
28:7 - And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.
28:8 - And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.
28:9 - And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
28:10 - Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.

Of course, Jesus did it anyway.

28:18 - And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.
28:19 - Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
28:20 - Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

And the Jesus story, according to Matthew, ends here.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO MARK

What's clever about these initial four New Testament gospels is that they are the same story each told from different eyewitness accounts. Of course, it doesn't prove anything, but it does make a stronger case towards its credibility in some roundabout way. There are a few strange discrepancies dotted about. If this was fake, why go through all the trouble?

1:6 - And John was clothed with camel's hair, and with a girdle of a skin about his loins; and he did eat locusts and wild honey;
1:7 - And preached, saying, There cometh one mightier than I after me, the latchet of whose shoes I am not worthy to stoop down and unloose.
1:8 - I indeed have baptized you with water: but he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost.

It's worth noting that John the Baptist was a huge deal himself. He was the pre-Jesus, who foresaw Jesus' arrival.

4:41 - And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?

Haha yeah, this is the boat story again, but Matthew's version was all like, "Woah!" whereas Marks' account leans more towards, "wtf Jesus, who are you?".

5:2 - And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit,
5:3 - Who had his dwelling among the tombs; and no man could bind him, no, not with chains:
5:4 - Because that he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been plucked asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him.
5:5 - And always, night and day, he was in the mountains, and in the tombs, crying, and cutting himself with stones.
5:6 - But when he saw Jesus afar off, he ran and worshipped him,

The possessed man again, but this version is far more descriptive.

5:8 - For he said unto him, Come out of the man, thou unclean spirit.
5:9 - And he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.
5:10 - And he besought him much that he would not send them away out of the country.
5:11 - Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding.
5:12 - And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them.
5:13 - And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea.

Two thousand pigs. That's a lot more than Matthew let on, although maybe Mark is a bit of an exaggerator? Regardless, I'd love a follow-up story about Legion some time.

5:25 - And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years,
5:26 - And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse,
5:27 - When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment.
5:28 - For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.
5:29 - And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague.
5:30 - And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes?
5:31 - And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
5:32 - And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing.
5:33 - But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth.
5:33 - And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.

Jesus is so chill. I also love 5:30, where he felt virtue leave his body like he has a limited resource of power. It s these casual strange details which appeal to me a lot.

5:42 - And straightway the damsel arose, and walked; for she was of the age of twelve years. And they were astonished with a great astonishment.

Astonished with great astonishment.

7:10 - For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:

Die the death, Mark has a way with words.

7:33 - And he took him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue;

Jesus casting a spell for the deaf/dumb man to be all fixed up.

7:36 - And he charged them that they should tell no man: but the more he charged them, so much the more a great deal they published it;

Thats good. Jesus said "don’t tell anyone" but they did and that's how he became famous.

9:10 - And they kept that saying with themselves, questioning one with another what the rising from the dead should mean.

I was also wondering.

10:6 - But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
10:7 - For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
10:8 - And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
10:9 - What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
10:10 - And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.
10:11 - And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
10:12 - And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

The divorce stance again but better said, I think.

10:14 - But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

There's that famous free entry for kids line again. Guess Jesus really said that, huh?

10:40 - But to sit on my right hand and on my left hand is not mine to give; but it shall be given to them for whom it is prepared.

Sit on your right hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is masturbating you.

14:22 - And as they did eat, Jesus took bread, and blessed, and brake it, and gave to them, and said, Take, eat: this is my body.
14:23 - And he took the cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them: and they all drank of it.
14:24 - And he said unto them, This is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many.

Epic moment here, living on for millennia through church services all around the world.

14:61 - But he held his peace, and answered nothing. Again the high priest asked him, and said unto him, Art thou the Christ, the Son of the Blessed?
14:62 - And Jesus said, I am: and ye shall see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven.
14:63 - Then the high priest rent his clothes, and saith, What need we any further witnesses?
14:64 - Ye have heard the blasphemy: what think ye? And they all condemned him to be guilty of death.
14:65 - And some began to spit on him, and to cover his face, and to buffet him, and to say unto him, Prophesy: and the servants did strike him with the palms of their hands.

That was Jesus’ mistake. He couldn’t keep his boasty talents to himself!

15:7 - And there was one named Barabbas, which lay bound with them that had made insurrection with him, who had committed murder in the insurrection.

Barabbas was a murderer, which Matthew didn't say. I'd love a Bible sequel which tells us where this dude went. I bet he killed some more, naughty ol' Barabbas.

16:9 - Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.

So here's some more Mary Magdalene info. She was possessed before. This is appreciated but it still feels like she played a bigger role than what's stated. Why did Jesus appear to her first? Even though her name is hardly mentioned previously? Perhaps she was purposefully omitted to remove power from women? Except for the unremovable details at the end of the tale because they couldn't cut it without leaving holes? I like to believe that Mary and Jesus were lovers because who doesn't want a love story?

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LUKE

Luke's version of the same events was weirdly written, rushed and not the most coherent, but it was still a worthy addition due to all the extra details he bestowed upon us. Thanks, Luke!

1:11 - And there appeared unto him an angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar of incense.
1:12 - And when Zacharias saw him, he was troubled, and fear fell upon him.
1:13 - But the angel said unto him, Fear not, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son, and thou shalt call his name John.
1:14 - And thou shalt have joy and gladness; and many shall rejoice at his birth.
1:15 - For he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb.
1:16 - And many of the children of Israel shall he turn to the Lord their God.

Once again John the Baptist was the first Jesus, his importance completely overshadowed by Christ's arrival. Justice for John!

1:27 - To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin's name was Mary.

Does anyone wonder about Mary and Joseph who were married and yet she was a virgin? I have questions about Joseph.

1:34 - Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?
1:35 - And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.

You mean come into thee, surely.

1:59 - And it came to pass, that on the eighth day they came to circumcise the child; and they called him Zacharias, after the name of his father.
1:60 - And his mother answered and said, Not so; but he shall be called John.
1:61 - And they said unto her, There is none of thy kindred that is called by this name.

The world's first John.

2:1 - And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.
2:2 - (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
2:3 - And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

Wtf has this got to do with anything? The conspiracy that The Bible was written to pacify people and encourage them to pay taxes is an interesting one. Verses like this do feel like a sneaky edit.

3:14 - And the soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall we do? And he said unto them, Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely; and be content with your wages.

Another weird thing to say. Be content with your wages? Why?

3:15 - And as the people were in expectation, and all men mused in their hearts of John, whether he were the Christ, or not;
3:16 - John answered, saying unto them all, I indeed baptize you with water; but one mightier than I cometh, the latchet of whose shoes I am not worthy to unloose: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost and with fire:

John is a totally unsung dude.

3:23 - And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli,

Jesus was 30 when he started. Following this is an extensive lineage documentation going back all the way back to Adam.

4:2 - Being forty days tempted of the devil. And in those days he did eat nothing: and when they were ended, he afterward hungered.

Understandable.

5:22 - But when Jesus perceived their thoughts, he answering said unto them, What reason ye in your hearts?

Forgot to write this down before, but there are a lot of examples of this. Where Jesus reads minds.

6:1 - And it came to pass on the second sabbath after the first, that he went through the corn fields; and his disciples plucked the ears of corn, and did eat, rubbing them in their hands.
6:2 - And certain of the Pharisees said unto them, Why do ye that which is not lawful to do on the sabbath days
6:3 - And Jesus answering them said, Have ye not read so much as this, what David did, when himself was an hungred, and they which were with him;
6:4 - How he went into the house of God, and did take and eat the shewbread, and gave also to them that were with him; which it is not lawful to eat but for the priests alone?
6:5 - And he said unto them, That the Son of man is Lord also of the sabbath.

Haha. This was in all the other gospels but I get it better here. Someone was like, "Hey, Jesus, you guys are stealing on the Sabbath, what are you doing?" and Jesus basically says, "FUCK OFF, I AM THE SABBATH". This is the funniest part of the whole Bible.

7:23 - And blessed is he, whosoever shall not be offended in me.

This is my new motto.

7:38 - And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash his feet with tears, and did wipe them with the hairs of her head, and kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment.

Pretty full-on gesture.

7:40 - And Jesus answering said unto him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, say on.

Is this the most pointless verse in the whole Bible?

8:2 - And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary called Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils,

This is the first time Mary was properly introduced. She was mad possessed, eh.

10:19 - Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.

Don’t do that though.

10:30 - And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

Good samaritan parable. Interesting that only Luke has covered it considering its popularity.

11:11 - If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?
11:12 - Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?

Well, like, obviously not. Silly questions really.

11:28 - But some of them said, He casteth out devils through Beelzebub the chief of the devils.

Beezlebub is often used as another name for the Devil/Baal, but his history goes much deeper than that as one of the seven princes of Hell and the true Lord of the Flies.

13:13 - And he laid his hands on her: and immediately she was made straight, and glorified God.

In context, this has nothing to do with homosexuality but you could try to manipulate it in that way if you like. I'm sure people have.

14:20 - And another said, I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.

Good excuse, I have friends who say this all the time.

17:35 - Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
17:36 - Two men shall be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

Sexy stuff! Also anti-gay ammunition, for sure.

18:15 - And they brought unto him also infants, that he would touch them: but when his disciples saw it, they rebuked them.

Catholic priests have surely used this verse as justifications for something or other.

20:20 - And they watched him, and sent forth spies, which should feign themselves just men, that they might take hold of his words, that so they might deliver him unto the power and authority of the governor.
20:21 - And they asked him, saying, Master, we know that thou sayest and teachest rightly, neither acceptest thou the person of any, but teachest the way of God truly:
20:22 - Is it lawful for us to give tribute unto Caesar, or no?
20:23 - But he perceived their craftiness, and said unto them, Why tempt ye me?
20:24 - Shew me a penny. Whose image and superscription hath it? They answered and said, Caesar's.
20:25 - And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's.
20:26 - And they could not take hold of his words before the people: and they marvelled at his answer, and held their peace.

This variation is way better. So there is a conspiracy theory where the Bible was edited to encourage people to follow Ceaser and pay their taxes. But this verse actually contradicts the thought. Spies of Ceasear went out to purposefully provoke Jesus to preach anti-establishment matters which could lead to his arrest. But Jesus was far too street savvy (or telepathic?) to fall for such human trickery and answered it in an extremely smart way even by today's standards.

22:50 - And one of them smote the servant of the high priest, and cut off his right ear.
22:51 - And Jesus answered and said, Suffer ye thus far. And he touched his ear, and healed him.

In this gospel, Jesus heals the ear. In the previous ones, he did not.

23:34 - Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.

It's an incredibly beautiful thing to say whilst bleeding, dying, nailed to a cross.

23:46 - And when Jesus had cried with a loud voice, he said, Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit: and having said thus, he gave up the ghost.

System of a Down.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO JOHN

This was the most badly written of all the gospels.

1:1 - In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

That's a nice way to start, Jonny.

1:19 - And this is the record of John, when the Jews sent priests and Levites from Jerusalem to ask him, Who art thou?
1:20 - And he confessed, and denied not; but confessed, I am not the Christ.
1:21 - And they asked him, What then? Art thou Elias? And he saith, I am not. Art thou that prophet? And he answered, No.
1:22 - Then said they unto him, Who art thou? that we may give an answer to them that sent us. What sayest thou of thyself?
1:23 - He said, I am the voice of one crying in the wilderness, Make straight the way of the Lord, as said the prophet Esaias.
1:24 - And they which were sent were of the Pharisees.
1:25 - And they asked him, and said unto him, Why baptizest thou then, if thou be not that Christ, nor Elias, neither that prophet?
1:26 - John answered them, saying, I baptize with water: but there standeth one among you, whom ye know not;
1:27 - He it is, who coming after me is preferred before me, whose shoe's latchet I am not worthy to unloose.
1:28 - These things were done in Bethabara beyond Jordan, where John was baptizing.

John the Baptist was awesome and predicted Jesus from a mile away.

1:29 - The next day John seeth Jesus coming unto him, and saith, Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the world.

Lamb of God.

2:7 - Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim.
2:8 - And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it.
2:9 - When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom,
2:10 - And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now.
2:11 - This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

Surprisingly, this is the first mention of the wine miracle.

3:27 - John answered and said, A man can receive nothing, except it be given him from heaven.

I like that, in a way.

6:41 The Jews then murmured at him, because he said, I am the bread which came down from heaven.-

I would murmur too. Its a weird nickname to call yourself.

8:7 - So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

This is a biggie.

9:6 - When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay,

If anyone but Jesus did this to you, it would be unacceptable.

10:26 - But ye believe not, because ye are not of my sheep, as I said unto you.
10:27 - My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

Yeah, that's not a great selling point tbh.

11:10 - But if a man walk in the night, he stumbleth, because there is no light in him.
11:11 - These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may awake him out of sleep.
11:12 - Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall do well.
11:13 - Howbeit Jesus spake of his death: but they thought that he had spoken of taking of rest in sleep.

Haha why include this strange exchange of confusion.

11:42 - And I knew that thou hearest me always: but because of the people which stand by I said it, that they may believe that thou hast sent me.
11:43 - And when he thus had spoken, he cried with a loud voice, Lazarus, come forth.
11:44 - And he that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with graveclothes: and his face was bound about with a napkin. Jesus saith unto them, Loose him, and let him go.

Dig Lazurus Dig!

13:18 - I speak not of you all: I know whom I have chosen: but that the scripture may be fulfilled, He that eateth bread with me hath lifted up his heel against me.

That's the thing about Judas. He actually fulfilled the scripture. He was very important.

14:22 - Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world?

Look how terribly this is written.

18:40 - Then cried they all again, saying, Not this man, but Barabbas. Now Barabbas was a robber.

Now Barabbas is a robber. He was a murderer before.

19:31 - The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and that they might be taken away.
19:32 - Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.
19:33 - But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:

Crazy that this was the standard though.

19:34 - But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.

What I adore about this verse, is that it sounds like another otherworldy miracle when, in actual fact, it's a biologically natural occurrence. A constantly raised heartbeat causes hypovolemic shock, which produces a watery fluid that surrounds the heart and lungs. When Jesus was stabbed, that substance leaked out along with the blood. It would happen to any of us.

20:25 - The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

Thomas wanted to finger the holes. Which, later, he did. Bucket list!

21:7 - Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved saith unto Peter, It is the Lord. Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he girt his fisher's coat unto him, (for he was naked,) and did cast himself into the sea.

Haha pure comedy.

21:25 - And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen.

That's a nice way to end, Jonny.

THE ACTS OF THE APOSTLES

After the groundhog day that was hearing the same story four times over, it was a relief to move on. This one is all about life after Jesus and the formation of the Christian church.

1:18 - Now this man purchased a field with the reward of iniquity; and falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out.

I literally have no idea who this is.

2:11 - Cretes and Arabians, we do hear them speak in our tongues the wonderful works of God.
2:12 - And they were all amazed, and were in doubt, saying one to another, What meaneth this?
2:13 - Others mocking said, These men are full of new wine.

Shut up, you’re drunk.

5:3 - But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?
5:4 - Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.
5:5 - And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.
5:6 - And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.
5:7 - And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.
5:8 - And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much.
5:9 - Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.
5:10 - Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.
5:11 - And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things.

Killing people with words. Such a vulgar display of power.

5:30 - The God of our fathers raised up Jesus, whom ye slew and hanged on a tree.

Jehovah’s Witnesses often talk about how Jesus wasn't crucified on a cross but rather a stake or a tree, and this verse supports that motion. So weird and contradictory. If the bible was indeed edited and selective then they did a shoddy job of it all.

7:59 - And they stoned Stephen, calling upon God, and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.
7:60 - And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep.

Stephen, by the way, was another prophet who came out of nowhere and then was killed for his Jesus dedication. At least he made the Bible though.

9:5 - And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.

Yes! Such a great one. Nick Cave's covers album is named after this verse, "Kicking Against the Pricks", so perfect.

11:26 - And when he had found him, he brought him unto Antioch. And it came to pass, that a whole year they assembled themselves with the church, and taught much people. And the disciples were called Christians first in Antioch.

Is this the first mention of the Christian term? I think it is!

12:7 - And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon him, and a light shined in the prison: and he smote Peter on the side, and raised him up, saying, Arise up quickly. And his chains fell off from his hands.

Peter was in prison but not on God’s watch.

13:6 - And when they had gone through the isle unto Paphos, they found a certain sorcerer, a false prophet, a Jew, whose name was Barjesus:
13:7 - Which was with the deputy of the country, Sergius Paulus, a prudent man; who called for Barnabas and Saul, and desired to hear the word of God.
13:8 - But Elymas the sorcerer (for so is his name by interpretation) withstood them, seeking to turn away the deputy from the faith.
13:9 - Then Saul, (who also is called Paul,) filled with the Holy Ghost, set his eyes on him,

Wtf, way to make it super confusing, I can’t keep up!

14:19 - And there came thither certain Jews from Antioch and Iconium, who persuaded the people, and, having stoned Paul, drew him out of the city, supposing he had been dead.
14:20 - Howbeit, as the disciples stood round about him, he rose up, and came into the city: and the next day he departed with Barnabas to Derbe.

Invincible.

15:1 - And certain men which came down from Judaea taught the brethren, and said, Except ye be circumcised after the manner of Moses, ye cannot be saved.

The circumcision practice is still alive and well in the New Testament, just in case you were worried.

16:26 - And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.
16:27 - And the keeper of the prison awaking out of his sleep, and seeing the prison doors open, he drew out his sword, and would have killed himself, supposing that the prisoners had been fled.
16:28 - But Paul cried with a loud voice, saying, Do thyself no harm: for we are all here.

Paul and Silas are both jailed but once again God is like, "no problem, boys, watch this".

17:16 - Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry.

I had no idea that Athens was part of the Bible. Thats rad. They traveled far.

19:6 - And when Paul had laid his hands upon them, the Holy Ghost came on them; and they spake with tongues, and prophesied.
19:7 - And all the men were about twelve.

Not too comforting.

19:10 - And this continued by the space of two years; so that all they which dwelt in Asia heard the word of the Lord Jesus, both Jews and Greeks.

Christ is spreading like a disease everywhere. We are still in this mess.

20:9 - And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep: and as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft, and was taken up dead.
20:10 - And Paul went down, and fell on him, and embracing him said, Trouble not yourselves; for his life is in him.

Haha I just love it that Paul falls on him.

23:12 - And when it was day, certain of the Jews banded together, and bound themselves under a curse, saying that they would neither eat nor drink till they had killed Paul.
23:13 - And they were more than forty which had made this conspiracy.

So basically Paul has been working super hard to sign people up to his Christ idea which naturally pissed people off everywhere he went. So now a load of people want him dead really badly. He talked his way out of it in the end, but still.

28:3 - And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat, and fastened on his hand.
28:4 - And when the barbarians saw the venomous beast hang on his hand, they said among themselves, No doubt this man is a murderer, whom, though he hath escaped the sea, yet vengeance suffereth not to live.
28:5 - And he shook off the beast into the fire, and felt no harm.
28:6 - Howbeit they looked when he should have swollen, or fallen down dead suddenly: but after they had looked a great while, and saw no harm come to him, they changed their minds, and said that he was a god.

From a snake bite to a god, Paul is living the dream.

THE FIRST EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE ROMANS

From now until a while we just have a load of Paul’s speeches presented to the different places he has infested with the word of Christ

1:24 - Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
1:25 - Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
1:26 - For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
1:27 - And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

That's about as explicitly anti-gay as you can get

2:28 - For he is not a Jew, which is one outwardly; neither is that circumcision, which is outward in the flesh:
2:29 - But he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God.

This still weirds me out, I’m unsure how to connect it all up.

7:2 - For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.
7:3 - So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man.

Kill your spouse.

8:15 - For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

Abba!

9:32 - Wherefore? Because they sought it not by faith, but as it were by the works of the law. For they stumbled at that stumblingstone;

Well, obviously if you call it the stumblestone, people are going to stumble over it.

12:20 - Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

Bwahahaha that escalated quickly.

16:20 - And the God of peace shall bruise Satan under your feet shortly. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen.

I don’t understand it but I like it.

16:21 - Timotheus my workfellow, and Lucius, and Jason, and Sosipater, my kinsmen, salute you.
16:22 - I Tertius, who wrote this epistle, salute you in the Lord.
16:23 - Gaius mine host, and of the whole church, saluteth you. Erastus the chamberlain of the city saluteth you, and Quartus a brother.
16:24 - The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

HAHAHAAH Tertius, the writer of this epistle, just did a shout out hahahaha omfg.

THE FIRST EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE CORINTHIANS

1:22 - For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom:
1:23 - But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness;

In a way, this is a good point. If you take all of the holy books at face value, Christianity has a pretty solid historical backstory filled with witnesses. It's pretty much been proven he existed, unlike anything which happened in the Old Testament.

6:18 - Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
6:19 - What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

No sex! Also, did the saying "the body is a temple" come from here? Maybe!

7:4 - The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Fair! Sounds like fun!

9:20 - And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law;

It's all one big con.

11:3 - But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
11:4 - Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.
11:5 - But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.
11:6 - For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.
11:7 - For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man.
11:8 - For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.
11:9 - Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.

Nice long bit of sexism for ya.

13:11 - When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Fuck that.

13:13 - And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

I like this. Easy to follow. Makes sense.

14:8 - For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle?
14:9 - So likewise ye, except ye utter by the tongue words easy to be understood, how shall it be known what is spoken? for ye shall speak into the air.

Good advice. Enunciate! Use your outside voice!

14:34 - Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.
14:35 - And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

This has been the most sexist chapter by far. How can Christian women justify this? I don't understand.

15:12 - Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you that there is no resurrection of the dead?
15:13 - But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen:
15:14 - And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain.

Well...

15:31 - I protest by your rejoicing which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily.

Ha what?

16:22 - If any man love not the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be Anathema Maranatha.

Who the heck is Anathema Maranatha? I googled it, and it's less a name, more a title meaning "cursed", "the Lord is coming".

THE SECOND EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE CORINTHIANS

3:13 - And not as Moses, which put a vail over his face, that the children of Israel could not stedfastly look to the end of that which is abolished:
3:14 - But their minds were blinded: for until this day remaineth the same vail untaken away in the reading of the old testament; which vail is done away in Christ.
3:15 - But even unto this day, when Moses is read, the vail is upon their heart.

I do find it funny that the New Testament often openly undoes a lot of what the very same book preached previously. What a mess!

11:8 - I robbed other churches, taking wages of them, to do you service.

So that’s the Christian way, is it?

11:24 - Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one.
11:25 - Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep;
11:26 - In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren;
11:27 - In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness.
11:28 - Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches.
11:29 - Who is weak, and I am not weak? who is offended, and I burn not?

Alright, Paul. It’s not a competition.

THE EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE GALATIANS

2:1 - Then fourteen years after I went up again to Jerusalem with Barnabas, and took Titus with me also.

I have no idea who Titus is but I’m guessing he's some Paul disciple? He keeps getting mentioned so maybe it's important that I pass this info on to you, here.

5:19 - Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
5:20 - Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
5:21 - Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

Sounds like a good weekend.

THE EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE EPHESIANS

5:18 - And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

You mean, sprirts, right?

5:22 - Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
5:23 - For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
5:24 - Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

So basically, listen up women. Us men? We are your Jesus. And don't you forget it.

6:5 - Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ;

Slavery?

THE EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE PHILIPPIANS

By this point, I was beyond sick of Paul and his rambles. He really took over the bible at the end, hey? Shut up, Paul.

3:2 - Beware of dogs, beware of evil workers, beware of the concision.

Why dogs, though?

3:8 - Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,

What? You don’t count your poops?

4:8 - Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
4:9 - Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

So inspiring.

THE EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE COLOSSIANS

And on and on it goes, much of the same stuff. All of these latter Paul books could have easily been merged into one. Should have, even.

4:6 - Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.

I like salt but idk how to do this.

4:11 - And Jesus, which is called Justus, who are of the circumcision. These only are my fellowworkers unto the kingdom of God, which have been a comfort unto me.

I was so confused, but Jesus Justus was a different dude apparently?

THE FIRST EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE THESSALONIANS

4:16 - For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

Short chapter filled with repetition. This is the only line I liked.

THE SECOND EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE THESSALONIANS

There was nothing here for me.

THE FIRST EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO TIMOTHY

Teaching Timmy now.

2:11 - Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
2:12 - But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
2:13 - For Adam was first formed, then Eve.
2:14 - And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.
2:15 - Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

Paul was legit the worst, he’s the problem! Perhaps the root of the church's entire sexist behaviour can be pinned directly back to this man!

3:6 - Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.
3:7 - Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.

I can't remember why I took note of these verses exactly but probably the devil bits.

6:10 - For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

There that is.

THE SECOND EPISTLE OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO TIMOTHY

Quite a bit of sex stuff in this one. I nearly wrote it all down for just the sake of it but nothing is actually new anymore.

2:8 - Remember that Jesus Christ of the seed of David was raised from the dead according to my gospel:

Haha remember that thing I said happened.

THE EPISTLE OF PAUL TO TITUS

Nothing here except for one note I wrote to myself which read "so sleepy".

THE EPISTLE OF PAUL TO PHILEMON

Shortest yet

1:1 - Paul, a prisoner of Jesus Christ, and Timothy our brother, unto Philemon our dearly beloved, and fellowlabourer,

Slightly weird way for Paul to introduce himself. Slip of the tongue?

THE EPISTLE TO THE HEBREWS

This is the last of Paul's inflated ego which is great.

1:13 - But to which of the angels said he at any time, Sit on my right hand, until I make thine enemies thy footstool?

I’m listening.

5:13 - For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe.

He’s a babe!

9:11 - But Christ being come an high priest of good things to come, by a greater and more perfect tabernacle, not made with hands, that is to say, not of this building;

More perfect? How?

THE GENERAL EPISTLE OF JAMES

They've really shoved the ends of their rubbish at the end here. It’s repetitive and boring and tells no stories and there aren't even any pictures.

2:3 - And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool:

Hehe you have no idea what you just said.

4:16 - But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.

This is something I think about a lot.

THE FIRST EPISTLE GENERAL OF PETER

This epistle certainly had some semi-decent lines but I fought the urge to note down something just because it was a little bit poetic or mentioned the devil or sex or whatever. Truthfully, all of these last bits could have been omitted with minimal consequences.

THE SECOND EPISTLE GENERAL OF PETER

2:22 - But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.

I think I noted this before but it’s a powerful metaphor, that dog one.

THE FIRST EPISTLE GENERAL OF JOHN

1:4 - And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full.

I prefer John's attitude. He seems much more positive. I like his Jesus words.

2:18 - Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.

Oooh, first mention of the antichrist word?

3:8 - He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.
3:9 - Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.

Confusing. So Jesus does not commit sin? Or all of us? I mean, Jesus didn’t do a very good job of ridding the world of anything really, but maybe it was meant in terms of access to forgiveness? In what way did he die for our sins though? That's never been explained properly to me, how does it work? It feels like an afterthought if anything.

3:17 - But whoso hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him?

Bowels of compassion, I've seen that German film.

4:1 - Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.
4:2 - Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:
4:3 - And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.

Know your ghosts!

THE SECOND EPISTLE OF JOHN

Very short. The Quran was the same, how it speeds along with shorter and shorter bits as it went on until the end. Apparently it's because, by these later years, the people were sufficiently convinced.

THE THIRD EPISTLE OF JOHN

1:13 - I had many things to write, but I will not with ink and pen write unto thee:
1:14 - But I trust I shall shortly see thee, and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute thee. Greet the friends by name.

That's a bit of an easy way out, hey, John?

THE GENERAL EPISTLE OF JUDE

1:1 - Jude, the servant of Jesus Christ, and brother of James, to them that are sanctified by God the Father, and preserved in Jesus Christ, and called:

Hey Jude! It’s another bit focused on sex. They really hit fornication hard at the end, didn't they? Which is annoying because Jesus didn’t actually say any of this, did he? And like, any sex hindrance simply is not going to fly these days. The devil won the fuck war.

THE REVELATION OF JESUS CHRIST

And here we go! But first, I must offer appreciation to the Bible for beginning with the creation of the entire universe and then ending with the destruction of mankind as we know it. It's such a large yet satisfying timeline, from one end to the other, with more than enough content between to justify a journey so immensely grandiose.
What's more, this closing (short!) revelation absolutely lives up to its reputation as one of the best. I recommend you read this damn whole thing when you get the chance.

1:3 - Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

I am automatically blessed just by reading this, btw.

1:8 - I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending, saith the Lord, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.

The Alpha and Omega, iconic lines here.

1:12 - And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks;
1:13 - And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle.
1:14 - His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
1:15 - And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
1:16 - And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.
1:17 - And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last:

Describing Heaven and the end of the world is no small feat. You better not mess this up, Jesus (if that is indeed your real name). So far so good though.

2:9 - I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan.

Sneaky Jew side-stab.

2:23 - And I will kill her children with death; and all the churches shall know that I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts: and I will give unto every one of you according to your works.

Death by death!

3:20 - Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

Sup.

4:1 - After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter.
4:2 - And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne.
4:3 - And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone: and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald.
4:4 - And round about the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.
4:5 - And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God.
4:6 - And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind.
4:7 - And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle.
4:8 - And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.

Here’s a sneak preview of heaven for you. #spoilers

6:12 - And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;
6:13 - And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.
6:14 - And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.
6:15 - And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;
6:16 - And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:

Man, a lot is going on here! In paradise, there was a lamb with seven horns and seven eyes which was worthy enough to hold the book sealed with seven seals. And so, one by one, it undid these seals, each once creating a horse of a different colour, sent out to do something on earth. The 6th seal is like the end of the world now. It’s so awesome, a proper trip.

8:10 - And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters;
8:11 - And the name of the star is called Wormwood: and the third part of the waters became wormwood; and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter.

After the 7th seal was opened, everything went silent until seven angels appeared and started blowing trumpets. Each of these trumpets delivered yet another attack to the earth, including hail mixed with blood and the above.

9:1 - And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit.
9:2 - And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.
9:3 - And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power.
9:4 - And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads.
9:5 - And to them it was given that they should not kill them, but that they should be tormented five months: and their torment was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man.
9:6 - And in those days shall men seek death, and shall not find it; and shall desire to die, and death shall flee from them.
9:7 - And the shapes of the locusts were like unto horses prepared unto battle; and on their heads were as it were crowns like gold, and their faces were as the faces of men.
9:8 - And they had hair as the hair of women, and their teeth were as the teeth of lions.
9:9 - And they had breastplates, as it were breastplates of iron; and the sound of their wings was as the sound of chariots of many horses running to battle.
9:10 - And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months.
9:11 - And they had a king over them, which is the angel of the bottomless pit, whose name in the Hebrew tongue is Abaddon, but in the Greek tongue hath his name Apollyon.

The fifth trumpet was well intense. I also believe that these were the exact verses which Charles Manson believed prophecised the arrive of The Beatles as well as some subsequent race war, which he ultimately attempted to initiate.

9:15 - And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men.
9:16 - And the number of the army of the horsemen were two hundred thousand thousand: and I heard the number of them.
9:17 - And thus I saw the horses in the vision, and them that sat on them, having breastplates of fire, and of jacinth, and brimstone: and the heads of the horses were as the heads of lions; and out of their mouths issued fire and smoke and brimstone.
9:18 - By these three was the third part of men killed, by the fire, and by the smoke, and by the brimstone, which issued out of their mouths.
9:19 - For their power is in their mouth, and in their tails: for their tails were like unto serpents, and had heads, and with them they do hurt.

I'm struggling to know what to write down and what to leave out, it's all so extreme and obscure, I love it.

10:1 - And I saw another mighty angel come down from heaven, clothed with a cloud: and a rainbow was upon his head, and his face was as it were the sun, and his feet as pillars of fire:
10:2 - And he had in his hand a little book open: and he set his right foot upon the sea, and his left foot on the earth,
10:3 - And cried with a loud voice, as when a lion roareth: and when he had cried, seven thunders uttered their voices.
10:4 - And when the seven thunders had uttered their voices, I was about to write: and I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Seal up those things which the seven thunders uttered, and write them not.

A true example for the word "biblicial".

10:9 - And I went unto the angel, and said unto him, Give me the little book. And he said unto me, Take it, and eat it up; and it shall make thy belly bitter, but it shall be in thy mouth sweet as honey.
10:10 - And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter.

Eating books.

12:1 - And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:
12:2 - And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered.
12:3 - And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.
12:4 - And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born.
12:5 - And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne.
12:6 - And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days.
12:7 - And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,
12:8 - And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.
12:9 - And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

Epic. Where is this all coming from??

13:18 - Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

666

16:13 - And I saw three unclean spirits like frogs come out of the mouth of the dragon, and out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet.

A lot happened in that short sentence.

17:1 - And there came one of the seven angels which had the seven vials, and talked with me, saying unto me, Come hither; I will shew unto thee the judgment of the great whore that sitteth upon many waters:
17:2 - With whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.
17:3 - So he carried me away in the spirit into the wilderness: and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns.
17:4 - And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication:
17:5 - And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.
17:6 - And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.
17:7 - And the angel said unto me, Wherefore didst thou marvel? I will tell thee the mystery of the woman, and of the beast that carrieth her, which hath the seven heads and ten horns.

What a visual. I love her. Pity about her giant forehead though.

17:16 - And the ten horns which thou sawest upon the beast, these shall hate the whore, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with fire.

It’s all metaphorical but I like this line in particular.

19:2 - And again they said, Alleluia. And her smoke rose up for ever and ever.
19:3 - And the four and twenty elders and the four beasts fell down and worshipped God that sat on the throne, saying, Amen; Alleluia.

She'd dead now. Also, is this the first Alleluia?

20:1 - And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand.
20:2 - And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years,
20:3 - And cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal upon him, that he should deceive the nations no more, till the thousand years should be fulfilled: and after that he must be loosed a little season.

A thousand years ended a long time ago, bro.

20:7 - And when the thousand years are expired, Satan shall be loosed out of his prison,
20:8 - And shall go out to deceive the nations which are in the four quarters of the earth, Gog and Magog, to gather them together to battle: the number of whom is as the sand of the sea.

So this has already happened then? Gog and Magog are also legendary figures, the more you become aware of them, the more the appear everywhere!

22:1 - And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.
22:2 - And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
22:3 - And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
22:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
22:5 - And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

This is the new world.

22:12 - And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be.

Jesus comes quickly.

22:18 - For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
22:19 - And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.
22:20 - He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
22:21 - The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

And that’s it! The end of the Bible.

I actually felt pretty weird going over these last words. Goosebumps broke down my arms, weirdly. I've surrendered a lot of mental energy to this book over the last several months. I've carried these pages with me from Rome, Italy through 14 countries following, ending in Tokyo, Japan. What a trip this has been. I'm exhausted and relieved to let it go. But I also mourn the loss of this strange companionship. It was always right there.

At the same time, it changed nothing. Jesus did not reveal to himself to me. My heart did not spring open and my purpose is as hazy as ever. I am just as empty as I always was and that is why my quest continues. The endless search to uncover the true meaning behind this life or, at very least, the final proof I need that I am, in actual fact, the chosen one after all. Stay tuned!

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