20 Hottest Girls Ever (according to me)

Much like anything else in the Juice Nothing world, this list could never be perfect. This is merely a snapshot of my current tastes, subject to change whenever I fucking want it to, and only accurately representing the right-now of how I feel based on some criteria. The main prerequisite was that the following 20 girls have been on my mind more than most, whether it be recently or ever since that dark day I hit puberty. This means that most of the research I did on the topic and most of the suggestions my friends put forward generally meant nothing. Another influence on my choices was to avoid repetition. That means that there are many other girls who fairly should be included, but were purposefully left out to avoid too many top 40 popstars or blondes with implants or any other such broad category. Finally, it would be far too predictable for me to include the deserving faces of, say, Britney Spears or Pamela Anderson or Lizzie Murphy or someone else equally as obvious, and so for that reason I have steered slightly from what would be expected as best I can. Agree or disagree with me, fuck off, this is my taste, and it tastes like this:

20. Marilyn Monroe

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."
Coming out swinging. This list would be irrelevant without Ms Monroe for a multitude of reasons. For starters, she is the ruler of all female entertainment icons, and any article with such a bold title would be tasteless without her inclusion. She is the biggest legend female superstar in history - fact. Further more, her style is instantly recognizable, so whilst I don't think she is the hottest lady that ever existed, I would be more celeb-shocked to meet her than any other female figure. Because, you know, she's dead. Not only that, but it's a total win that her death was so mysterious and runs rampant with conspiracy theories - every girl should be so lucky. And finally, I feel that including Marilyn knocks out the need for people like Scarlett Johansen or Charlize Theron or Naomi Watts or Gwen Stefani or other such blonde bombshells off of this list, because they don't have shit on this bitch.

19. Tara Reid

"Why is partying and having a good time bad?"
There was a stage in the mid 2000s where no girl made me feel the way that Tara did. It was her face that really got me, in a way I can't accurately describe except by maybe screaming "LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!" at my TV screen everyday. Her smile just beams sunshine, whether she is having promo shots for her portfolio done or whether she is just getting off her tits drunk in front of the tabloid cameras. Yes, her résumé is generally laughable. Yes, botch surgery has left her stomach looking like a bowl of wet paper and her ass like a fat granny's face. It's a goddamn shame. But once upon a time, she owned my day-to-day thought process, and I would still love to buy her a beer and take her home.

18. Kim Petras

"I have always felt like a woman."
This is me trying to be funny and a complete dick. But ask any red blooded male to look at this girl, and they will all admit that she is hot. She is 18 years old at the time I write this, and everyone loves 18 year olds because it is acceptable, albeit barely. She creates her very own electronic dance music on a German record label, and everyone loves music chicks. But more than anything, what really keeps Kim above the rest of these entries is that her original name was Tim. That's right, she was in fact born a boy. The youngest boy in medical history to change her physical gender ever. So if you were mid-wank whilst reading this post, you are officially gay, congrats. I still totally would.

17. Olsen Twins

"We had to decide: Do we want to do Saturday Night or go to our Senior Prom? We opted for Saturday Night Live."
If there was only one Olsen in existence, there would be no way in hell she would make this list. However, in the media and the general public these girls are delivered in one big package, which makes them double as hot. In all honesty, if I could make out with one specific entry in this blog, it would them. The reasons should be fairly obvious: it would be twice as fun, a thousand times more morally wrong and inevitably a more valuable story I could sell to the media. God bless fantasy, Amen.

16. Liz Vicious

"Favorite position? Bent over a pillow or the arm of a chair from behind with a fist full of my hair."
Whilst researching for this blog and looking at countless pictures of hot girls, a weird thing kept happening to me. I'd find myself venturing deeper and deeper into images of ladies who were more willing to wear less and less clothing. Weird huh? Anyway, as unexplainable as this was, I did manage to stumble upon Liz Vicious, who prides herself as being this teenage goth chick whilst allowing men to ejaculate inside of her vagina. If there was a pornstar party, all the other pornstars would bitch about her behind her back and call her names whilst feeling sorry for themselves. I must say that unfortunately Liz does irritate me in her interviews, but luckily I generally only see her with a cock in her mouth which keeps her quiet. For these reasons I will be spending much more time with her in the future, and it was a pleasure to introduce the two of you.

15. Emma Bunton

"If you haven't got it, you've got to fake it, man."
And here's the funny thing: most boy-people I know that are my age would never agree with this one. "There are much hotter girls" they might say. But if you shoved them back into their early teens, just about the time they were becoming interested in girls, they were all frantically scouring the net on their 56K dial-up for naked pictures of their favourite spice girl, praying to God that the lesbian sex-tape rumours were true. My favourite was (shamefully) Posh Spice without a doubt, but in modern time she has repulsed me with her locust like body and lack of any talent. Baby Spice, on the other hand, was always the cutest cotton-candy member of the group. She not only managed to keep her looks looking, but also released my favourite post-spice song "Maybe" all by herself. Face it, if you don't fancy her now, you did once upon a time. A lot. Just like everyone else.

14. Vikki Blows

"When I'm in the shower home alone, I'm always scared someone's gonna break in and kill me."
Despite what a few of you might think, I didn't really consider anyone's suggestions when it came to this list - most of it was set in stone already. Sorry. That is, except for Vikki Blows. This glamour model was suggested to me by Oolex via Twitter with a link to one of the most beautiful Google Image searches I have ever pasted my eyes on. In short, I fell in love for the first time that day and promptly engraved her face into my memory. I will also refrain from using any puns involving her surname, but yeah, I'm sure you do Vikki. I'm sure you do well.

13. Lindsay Lohan

"It`s flattering that people want to know so much about me and want to take the time to make up that many things about me."
I can already feel so many of you shaking your heads at this entry, so why don't you just stop fucking doing that right now. Lindsay represents the real party girl out there. This bitch would skip every queue at any club, start chatting to the most famous person in the room and end up out-drinking and out-snorting everyone in the venue. It's that type of self-destructive behaviour that I find so inviting, and I want in. I know she's probably cleaned up a little bit in recent days, but I love her image and her look so much that I used to make photoshop collages of her all day instead of doing my work. Fuck Paris or Tara or Britney, this is my favourite train wreck.

12. Natalie Portman

"If you're an actress or a musician, everyone thinks you're hot."
There is this silly debate going on between some guys over who is hotter: Keira Knightly or Natalie Portman. I think the main basis for this dispute is that they look exactly-the-fucking-same. Regardless, Natalie Portman does it for me a lot more than Keira in many ways. Maybe it's her character's sluttitude in Closer. Maybe it's her convincing eccentricity in Garden State. Maybe it's the fact that she can pull off a shaved head. Maybe it's her explicit rap with The Lonely Island. Maybe it's all of these things, but really, it's because she is super fine to the degree of fuck. This can be proven beyond a doubt when you consider that my friends suggested her more than any other girl for this blog. So you guys like her then, huh?

11. Lily Allen

"I've actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration."
Blah blah blah, yes I'm "That Lily Allen Guy" or whatever, bane of my fucking existence. And it is because of this that I wanted to avoid putting her on this list all together. But let's face it: it would be far too obvious and too much of a statement to exclude her after everything that has happened. The fact of the matter is that she is so fucking hot, I made a website just to meet her. So what else can I really say? Well, there are a few things, such as: she is stylish and fashionable completely in her own way, makes proper good music, has a killer attitude and loves the internet. All of which add up to the reasons why I wasted so much of my spare 2010 time devoted to her, and also why I will meet her again one day. You'll see. I'm not creepy.

10. Alison Lohman

"I can cry on cue to get out of a traffic ticket. That's happened at least three times."
They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops. And that's true. What they don't tell you is that once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up. And when I finally awoke from my first ever epileptic fit, it was night-time and Big Fish had just finished on TV. That's when I knew Alison was more than just a girl. She was a demon who devoured little boy's souls and left them with nothing more than an erection and wet patch on the bed. You wouldn't think so just by looking at her face though, right? She's gorgeous.

09. Yo-Landi Visser

"I'm saving up to get latex whiskers implanted into the sides of my mouth."
I don't want to kick sand in a Ninja's face, but I would love to spend a little bit of time alone with Yo-Landi. Just to talk, you must understand, I don't think I could handle zef so fresh. Despite what all the new age Waddy/Die Antwoord fans will tell you, they are married, which was common knowledge on the streets of Cape Town a few years ago no matter what they claim now. But I don't care, I'm sorry Max, your lady has eyes instead of nipples and that's poes fancy m'bru.

08. Debbie Harry

"I don't mind if my skull ends up on a shelf as long as it's got my name on it."
Of all these entries, I would put money on the fact that Blondie is the most talented. Given, there are many greater female artists (depending on who you talk to) who have achieved much more, but how many are as good looking as Deborah? None? That's what I thought. I've even written a blog about the fact that her band are the only artists in history to have had a number 1 single in the 70's, 80's and 90's. She was also once a Playboy bunny. You know anyone else like this? No? That's what I thought. She's super old now, sure, but I still would. She deserves the experience.

07. Gauge

"Do you want me to swallow it?"
Me and Gauge go way back. We have spent many late nights together, usually her with a cock in every single one of her holes, whilst my cock is just in my hand. The thing is, I love her, and I am not jealous when I watch her get fucked up her ass whilst she does a handstand. I would still do borderline illegal things to her without wearing a condom, because that is how much I care for her. In fact, I am pretty sure I have had more wanks over this girl than any other girl in the world. Not to mention that she was the first girl I saw get facefucked until she puked - and you just don't forget those types of things. In summary: she is very special to me and she always will be. Unfortunately, pictures don't really do her justice, you're going to have take my word and YouPorn it for full effect.

06. Emma Watson

"I get sent Bibles. I have a collection of about 20 in my room. People think I need to be guided."
I liked Emma Watson before I was legally allowed to tell people that I liked Emma Watson. Now that time has passed, I can thankfully say that I'd touch the shit out of her in front of anyone. Unfortunately I am pretty sure that she will always be "that girl from Harry Potter", but just by watching a few interviews it is amazing how well she has dealt with the fame shoved into her face. Not to mention that the whole posh British vibe she portrays reminds me of money, and I love money. Surprisingly, the mudblood thing doesn't bother me at all, I never really discriminate against people with differences. My dad raised me right.

05. Anna Faris

"You can't help being turned off a little at the thought of being plastered to the ceiling by your boyfriend's man-juice."
And while all the other girlies are wearing their designer clothes and showing only their best sides to the camera, we have Anna Fairs walking into walls and getting slammed into the roof with semen. If you've seen the Scary Movies, you'll remember her as the main character who has never made unsexy look so sexy, which is kind of her forté. Basically, if you desperately want me to love you, take the piss out of yourself and I will piss myself with adoration. But for those not into that kind of thing, you can still Google Image her and you will find yourself doing more than just pissing, believe me. She's all that and a bag of expensive crisps, I've said so for many many years now, ask anyone.

04. Hannah Murray

"I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely."
This is one of those rare(ish) examples where I am not actually that fond of the girl herself, mainly because I know nothing about her at all. But her position is justified purely because I am genuinely in love with the character she portrays in the series Skins - namely Cassie Ainsworth. You see, self destruction is very sexy to me, and when coupled with her anorexia, low-self esteem, suicidal tendencies, drug addiction and sex addiction - as well as being spacey and good natured at heart - I grieve over the fact that this girl doesn't actually exist. Believe me, I have travelled the world over checking into rehabs and clinics to find someone similar. And while I found many messed up chicks, none of them were on this level, so I was forced to abandon each one of them whilst they were sleeping to continue my search. It's fine. They'll get over it.

03. Pattie Boyd

"They were furious because I`d bagged a Beatle! It was so frightening."
George Harrison was without a doubt the most underrated member of The Beatles (more than Ringo Starr because Ringo actually wasn't that talented). But one thing none of the other Fab Four could take credit for was catching the hottest of all The Beatles girls. But wait, not only did Pattie feel the legendary cock of Harrison inside of her, but she eventually left George for one Eric Clapton. This kind of legendary groupie behaviour can only result in one thing: some of the greatest love songs ever written, namely: Something by Harrison and Layla by Clapton. I totally get this. I would write her a million songs. Unfortunately, as time does, she is super old now, but has aged gracefully without dabbling into surgery. I'd still do it just to say I have really.

02. Alice Glass

"My make-up routine involves putting a bunch of black stuff on my eyes."
Alice is like the cutest little boy I have ever seen. Jokes! She's a girl! She has boobs, look! But truth be told, girls who looks like pubescent girls are so hot right now, I think. More than that, she has so much attitude in her tiny body that inviting her into your home would just cause a lot of trouble for everyone involved. She ran away from home to live in a squat when she was just 14 with no money or direction, a total wreckhead, who is now credited as one of the pioneers of modern day synthpunk. Did I tell you that she poured Jack Daniels into my mouth? Yeah, she did.

01. Mila Kunis

"I am stubborn, and I admit it, so it`s OK."
This is it: the reason I wrote this blog in the first place. All the other girls were merely pedestals stacked on top of each other to raise Mila as high up as I could. And now that we're up here, I can't help but hit a mental block. I just don't have the words to properly describe something this perfect. I guess more than anything, she is actually very sweet, quite different from her Jackie character in That 70's Show. Just watch a few interviews and you will be shocked to realise that she is not only the type of girl you would sleep with, but also the type of girl you would want to talk to afterwards. I'd even fuck Meg Griffin because of her. And if you've seen Getting Over Sarah Marshall, the message should be clear: Mila Kunis is the only known cure for heartbreak. Fact. So obvious now that you know, right? Congratulations Mila, a completely unknown mid-20's blogger just recognized your ultimateness, you're so lucky.


Honourable Mentions
These were the 40 girls that either nearly made the list or were suggested to me by other people.
Adrianna Lima
Agyness Deyn
Aishwarya Rai
Alessandra Ambrosio
Alicia Silverstone
Angelina Jolie
Brigitte Bardot
Brody Dalle
Carlo Gugino
Charlize Theron
Cheryl Cole
Christina Ricci
Cindy Crawford
Dita Von Teese
Edie Sedgwick
Esther Baxter
Eva Spence
Gwen Stefani
Kate Beckinsale
Kate Hudson
Kate Moss
Kristin Kreuk
Lucy Liu
Lily Cole
Megan Fox
Mena Savari
Milla Jovovich
Monica Bellucci
Naomi Watts
Natalia Vodianova
Nico
Pilar Rubio
Rachel McAdams
Rihanna
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Scarlett Johansen
Shirley Manson
Sofia Vergara
Stevie Nicks
Zooey Deschanel


Conclusion
I will admit, this entire blog is a lie. The hottest girls ever are, in all honesty, girls I know in real life. Maybe one day I'll make a Top 20 Hottest Facebook Friends or something, although that sounds like much more trouble than it's worth. However, it is a common fact that personality is what really matters when it comes to real attraction, and also, lol. This was by far my dumbest blog ever.

Read This Next Maybe

20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)

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Until It Happens To You: My Paranormal Experiences

None of this story is made up.

Fuck, I love Halloween. It’s the only day that, in my opinion, we can properly celebrate our creativity and imagination in the areas of evil and fear. I dig the idea of promoting mischief from the hands of little children disguised as monsters, knocking on stranger’s doors begging for candy. There is something exciting and a little twisted about all of this, and that’s what my life is all about personally.

The origins and reasons why we enjoy this holiday are interesting enough. This was the day that the Celtics believed the border between the living and the dead became thin, which allowed spirits to cross over and visit us. Some viewed this as a good way to make passed loved ones feel missed, while others viewed it as a dark doorway for harmful entities to cause trouble. In fact, this is why we dress up today. The tradition of wearing scary clothing on this celebration was meant to protect and ward off the evils, although I find the children themselves to be much scarier.

A while ago, my internet-friend Erin asked me on formspring if I had experienced any paranormal activity in my short lifetime. As I began to answer this, I realised a story with this many details could not be lost on a page filled with what is usually pointless tongue-and-cheek answers. So instead, I saved it for this very day, my way of starting off your 2010 Halloween weekend with love.

I have told a handful of people this story before, and reactions vary. If you don’t believe in the paranormal, this won’t be the story to convince you. Many skeptics have been quick to point out logical explanations to all of the pieces I am about to tell you, and I don’t disregard this, I am not here to promote these ideas at all. I am not going to even go so far as to say that I believe in ghosts and demons and other such unexplainable entities, because I don’t know. What I am here to tell you about is a bunch of shit that freaked me out. I can't justify calling these paranormal experiences except that nothing about this felt normal whatsoever. If you want to email me and tell me that I am making a big deal out of nothing, by all means go ahead, but this blog is not written for you. Because without a doubt, those who do believe in the paranormal and/or have had experiences themselves will definitely enjoy this more. And no matter what your stance, something bad is going to happen to you very soon.

I am also taking a huge risk here, because every time I tell this story, my life get effected. I haven’t dabbled in these thoughts since I have arrived in London, so I am hoping that I am not inviting things in that I shouldn’t be. I will keep you updated if things go strange, and if I die mysteriously, you know why. Haha, just joking, I’m immortal.

I guess my mind became heavily curious when I was around 10 years old or so. I went on holiday with the family of a friend. He and his sister were allowed to bring one person along, and we all shared a room. His sister and her friend were much older than us, super hot, and proceeded to tell us that they were witches and had many experiences with spirits. That midnight they took us to a graveyard where we casually and calmly walked around, and we found this black cat who followed us all the way home. Nothing about this was weird or scary, it was fun and I felt safe with these two girls. Once home, we made a circle where they claimed to contact the dead and continued to hum in unison and say very peculiar things. I will be the first to brush this off as mass-hysteria, but the room felt very fucking weird. Everyone’s faces were changing to the point that I couldn’t tell who looked like a boy and who looked like a girl. The most stand-out occurrence was when something invisible began to pull on my face, and I freaked out and started crying. It didn't take long until everyone was crying, it just all felt really out of place. I look back on this not so much as a paranormal experience, but more the moment that I began to become very interested with the idea of the unknown and making contact with the dead.

After this, I dabbled in a bit of witchcraft myself, and cast a few successful spells. As time has gone on, I believe that spells are the same as prayers are the same as The Law Of Attraction. It’s putting your focus on something you want, getting your emotions in tune with it, and then manifesting it into your life. But it just shows where I was in my thought process and my interests at that age, and what path I was heading down.

This story only starts now.

I must have been 15 years old or so. I was dating a lovely lovely girl at the time, and I used to go to her place often to get stoned, eat her food and have sex with her. Her parents were hardly ever there, which was the ideal situation for any early teen trying to experience things he was told not to. She had two brothers who I loved the company of, and this whole period of my life was something I remember with fondness. One day, this girl and I began to talk about the paranormal, and she pulled out this old and very stylish Ouija board from under her bed. It was wonderful looking and beautifully crafted, and we would play it a lot, more often than not with her brothers and their friends.

Believe it or not, Ouija boards are very fucking powerful things. People are quick to debunk the tool, but when you consider that the first example found was in China around 1100 B.C., it’s hard to imagine that well over 3000 years have passed and yet no one can still completely explain it. People all around the world still swear by it’s authenticity, I have proven it many times to people, and can prove it to you. I do this often by setting one up and getting the person who I am playing with to ask the board a question only they would know the answer to. Maybe like “What is my mother’s maidens name?” or “What is my Gmail password?”. The Ouija board will tell them, which would mean that either they are pushing it around despite wanting to disprove it, or there is actually something there.

It’s a nifty seemingly harmless pass-time, but they are in reality very dangerous. If you do a bit of research you will find that almost anyone who has played the board regularly has advised others that it isn’t a good idea. And that is exactly what this story is about.

Ouija boards are interesting in the way that the more you play, especially as a team, the faster and more articulate it becomes. It didn’t take long before full sentences were flashing before our eyes as fast as we could read them, telling us how we would one day die and who we would one day marry (although as any player knows, spirits have as much ability to lie and exaggerate as any alive person would). And as it is often documented, there was a point where one spirit had grown quite attached to us. He introduced himself as Pion and seemed to really enjoy messing with us, quick to answer our questions with his seemingly logical predictions. Everytime we started a new session, in would come Pion with his opinions of our lives and life in general.

One particular day, the group of us were playing the board in the attic of my girlfriend’s house. For some reason, she was sitting this round out, and the boys were asking stupid boy questions, as we do. One of the oh-so-mature questions we asked, and the question that heavily influenced my life for sometime to come, was “is anybody in this room bisexual?”. The planchette slid over and highlighted “Yes” and there were many giggles all around. Naturally, we asked “Who?” and Pion proceeded to spell out my girfriend’s name. Despite this probably being true, this really pissed her off and so she abruptly ran over to the board and kicked it, the glass planchette sliding far away from the board and everything slipping from underneath our fingers.

This is a very bad thing. The number 1 rule about the Ouija board is to never play alone. The number 2 rule is that if you ever decide to play (don’t) you must NEVER lift your fingers up until the spirit has said goodbye to you. The reason is that it supposedly damages the spirit’s spirit as it were, and this upsets them greatly. You don’t want that.

We frantically scrambled the pieces back together and apologised profusely, but it was all wrong. It began to spell out “B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E-B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E-B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E” over and over. Eventually it began to threaten us, warning my girlfriend that something very bad was going to happen to her. It also began to tell us how it was fetching all of it’s demon friends, calling them by their first names, claiming that they were filling up the room. Needless to say we were shitting ourselves, and as much as we begged it to say Goodbye, it wouldn’t.

After some time we managed to calm everything back down to a decent level of communication and we slowly continued to talk to Pion about less and less serious things. But man, I was spooked, and pretty soon Pion noticed.

How the Ouija board works is that you have a finger or two from your one hand on the planchette which slides around spelling out the words. Your other hand rests on the board itself, on top of your labeled star-sign. Pion, sensing my discomfort, spelt out “What’s the matter Libra?” and then slid right up to my star-sign actually bumping my fingers as if to get my attention. I told him I didn’t like what he was saying about my girlfriend. He asked “What do you like about her?”. I explained that she was lovely, I had feelings for her and I thought she was very pretty. And that’s when he said “Look at her so I can see her”. Of this entire story, that is the part that always stood out the most. To this day I still can’t find any other reports that these spirits are actually seeing through our eyes when we talk to them, but that is exactly what this spirit was saying. It was a huge moment in my understanding of how it all works.

After some time we convinced Pion to leave us alone, and we packed it up. It was then we noticed my girlfriend was missing, so we ran around the entire property screaming her name trying to find her. It was panic to the point of tears. Eventually we found her hiding in her Dad’s workshop, but we were all so convinced that something really bad had happened to her, that we got rid of the board and it was never played on again.

You would think this would be enough to stop me, but it wasn’t. And luckily/unluckily for me, the one guy we played with a lot felt the same. So without telling anyone, we constructed a crude Ouija board out of cardboard and continued to play this in my room for months. It worked pretty well, it wasn’t quite the same, but we continued to get a decent amount of communication from the spirits. Even Pion visited us once or twice. It was here that we were told that everyone was on a level when it came to connecting with the dead. We were a 7 at that point, and the more we played, the higher we got. We were told that once we reached 10, the spirit could make us float, which is obviously a level that we never got to, but on occasion we would level-up and it would be extremely exciting. In hind-sight, this was probably total bollocks, just the Spirit’s way to encourage us to play more and more Ouija board everyday - and it worked. My mom even knew about it. I can guarantee you that this over-indulgence is what fucked it all up.

Over this time, my room had become a cold place. It was very damp anyway, mold was growing on the walls and I would often find snails or worms or other creatures trying to make a home there. So it wasn’t a sunshine kind of habitat, and reflects how messed up and depressed my life was at that point in time anyway.

But more than anything, it was how it felt in there. It had a very dark and tingling feeling to it and I never quite felt like I was alone. Now, I know I can’t completely attribute this to some paranormal activity, people are quick to point this out. And when I look back, maybe you are right. But what I know is that there was a very distinct vibe in there for whatever reason. I could never explain this to you properly as no one can ever explain a feeling anyway, but it just felt fucking wrong. Believe me, it did.

However, odd things would happen. I would hear noises all through the night. It sounded like things were constantly outside my window - a point proven when people actually did break into my house when I was awake, but I ignored it because I was so used to the noise. My computer was quite effected as well, documents would remove data, sometimes full files would disappear. One of the more interesting things was that randomly, almost once a week, my printer would print a tiny smiley face. You never knew when, but suddenly my printer would start up and print this minute smiley webding. Of course, this to me was a good sign, that whatever was doing this was at least on a happy vibe. These events can be explained by many other reasons, and go ahead and do that, but from where I was standing it was very eerie.

What sealed it for me was when my one friend was visiting. His parents are both very much into the spiritual scene, his mom selling natural medicines and practicing alternative healing as her occupation, and his Dad being one of the forefront South African hypnotists, exorcists, channels and many other paranormal things. My friend had been exposed to this lifestyle since he was born, had good knowledge about all of it, and was drinking beer with me in my lounge. After a while of good laughter, he needed to piss and went to my room to do so. He came out with a very different look on his face. “There’s an entity in your room Jared, did you know this?”. I laughed, and told him that it was a friendly ghost, surely, and explained the printer story. He didn’t dig it and refused to go into my room ever again. I didn’t take it to heart, but that was definitely the point that confirmed it for me.

Now, it wouldn’t be like me to stop there. No, I was onto something and I wanted more. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why I wanted to provoke it the way I did, but I guess I enjoyed my already exaggerated reputation as “that evil weird boy from Pinelands” and I wanted to push it. So I bought a giant poster of Linda Blair from the scene in The Exorcist where her head is backwards - exactly like the picture to the right. I had no fear and put it on the wall above my bed, which obviously was designed to make any visitor feel very uneasy.

Two nights after I had put it up, I went to bed, and literally the second I fell asleep, I felt these evil arms come around my back and hang onto me with all their might. The presence of evil was all over me and I was fighting the best I could, completely in blindness. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but what it seemed like was that I was almost asleep, but this thing wanted me to stay awake, restraining me in some kind of mid-point.

I woke up in a panic. And above my head I could hear the Exorcist poster slowly peeling off of the wall. It was stuck there with Blu-Tack (Prestik as we call it in SA), but it sounded more like someone had stuck a piece of masking tape to the wall, and were slowly removing it. Like a sticky hissing. I freaked, jumped up, ripped the poster down and threw it on the floor. I then went back to sleep.

The next morning the poster was still on the floor, so I was definitely awake for that noise.

In 2007 I moved house 6 times. They say that moving home does not guarantee you will loose your follower, but there are reports that it does make it easier, and at some point I had definitely lost it. I had also moved on with my life. I was far more into other things and so I wasn’t so prone to allowing it into my experiences. They say that by giving it thought and attention, it becomes stronger, which is why it had left me alone at that time. And which is also why I was so reluctant to write this blog in the first place.

And then in an act of complete stupidity, around Halloween 2007 (exactly 3 years ago), I decided I wanted to have a freaky one. I began to read reports on the internets all about people and their paranormal experiences. The one really stood out for me was of a girl who went so far as to even having sexual contact with a spirit. She had multiple different beings contacting her through various methods, some urging her to continue having sex with this one specific entity, others warning her against it, all of them lying and tricking her into different acts. Eventually they were talking to her constantly throughout her day, narrating her life until she actually had to go to an institution for a while. I don’t know why, but this story seemed to open up the gates of my mind a bit, and I was there with open arms. I was trying to get this shit back into my life because so much time had passed that I had begun to doubt my own experiences. It didn’t take long before I definitely felt a presence anywhere I went. It’s difficult to explain but it feels like someone is permanently staring at you, as cliche as that sounds. I always feel it in my back, like a constant borderline chill. It looked like I was going to get my freaky Halloween after all.

A couple days into my stirring, I was driving up to my apartment in Kenilworth and pulled into my parking space. There sitting at the end of it, blocking me from parking properly, was an old African drum. It was full of dirt, very wide but short and looked ancient. I was stoked and didn’t think twice about it. I happily took the drum back into my apartment and sat it in my hallway, chuffed with my new toy.

That night I woke up with Sleep Paralysis. I have had this a few times, and I’m sure some of you have too. It’s when you are fully awake in your bed, but you can’t move at all. Even breathing is hard and it takes a few minutes before you can start to move certain parts of your body until you are back in control. In folklore it was believed that a witch is sitting on your chest which would explain why you can’t move, but modern day belief is that it’s more to do with stress or sudden lifestyle changes.

Regardless, this time was very different. I felt a presence all over my room, definitely as if something was hanging over me. I could hear my housemate talking to his friend in the next room and I tried so hard to scream for them to help me, but couldn’t get a word out. And the freakiest part of all is that the drum was playing itself, a slow timeless beat coming from the hallway. There I was, completely paralysed with all this mass noise going on around me in complete panic, and I don’t remember what happened next.

The next day I went to work and phoned my housemate to tell him what had happened. And he said “That’s weird man, I wasn’t even home last night”.

That evening I went to visit my sister and had pretty much written the whole thing off as another weird dream. That’s when I got a phone call from my housemate telling me that he had locked his keys in his car and needed me to come and open the door for him to get his spares. Angrily, I went and picked him up at some pub and we drove to the house. We put my keys in the door but they wouldn’t turn. There was nothing we could do, we tried and we tried, but the door just wouldn’t budge. It was as if something was holding the lock from the inside. I didn’t think much of it, I was too irritated, so we decided we had no choice but to go back and get my housemate's keys from his car.

We drove back to it and found a homeless man who obviously had some kind of experience with breaking into cars. He came with a wire and began trying to open the car door. Casually while he was doing this, we told him how we couldn’t open the door of our house and how weird it was. This complete stranger turned to us with fear in his eyes and said “There is something in your house. You guys better be careful”. The night before rushed back to me, and I was like “Shit dude, the drum!” and my housemate suddenly realised what might be going on.

We got into the car, drove back to the house, and just like before, his keys would not turn. So it couldn’t have been the keys themselves, but still meant that maybe the lock was fucked. We had no choice, we smashed a window and climbed in. We went around to the door and it was just as it had always been. We turned the lock, and from the inside, it opened easily. Nothing was wrong with it. We tested the keys again, and suddenly they worked fine. For some reason, it had refused to turn from outside just that time. In fact, I lived in that house for almost 2 years, and it had never happened before or after.

Together we took that drum and threw it away. A big sense of relief breathed into me and I decided not to tell anyone the story. Although I have mentioned it since then once or twice, most of my close friends will be hearing about this for the first time. The reason being, of course, because I had to purposefully avoid giving the whole ordeal any attention and basically ignore it as much as fucking possible, which worked. It stopped bothering me pretty soon afterwards and I went on with my somewhat normal lifestyle.

And that's the end of my story, hope you liked it. If anything I learned that no matter what the hell was going on back there, it wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t immediately explainable and it all seemed centered around moments I opened myself up to the experiences. It was enough to satisfy my curiosity and I will never go back to that place ever again. Of course there will always be critics, and all I can say to you lot is that no matter what you believe, if you were there, you would’ve shat bricks. Until it happens to you, you will never know. Go play Ouija board in a graveyard and I promise you your mind will do back-flips and you will cry to your mommy. Then write a blog about it, I dunno.

Finally I must just let you know that various times during the writing of this blog, I felt very weird. I compulsively saved my work because I had this feeling it was just going to disappear on me, I don't know why. It's hard to say if my mind was just playing tricks or not, but it was such a familiar feeling that a few times I considered scrapping the whole thing. At least I never have to tell this story again, I can just post the URL. God bless the internet, and Happy Halloween to all of you. Watch what happens now.

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