Believe it or not, when I originally made the decision to start Juice Nothing and write blogs for my billions of fans, the first topic I ever wanted to tackle was toe cleavage. I felt it was the right kind of important yet fairly unspoken about to be my first release. But I got cold feet, so to speak, and wrote about the birth of Jesus instead.
But now, over a year and a half later, I have decided that the time has come to produce my quick thoughts on the subject. And ever since Twitter came about, all my thoughts are quick.
When you live in London, you see a lot of people. I get off a train, walk through Liverpool Street Station, and get on another train twice a day, during peek traffic. This means I literally see thousands of people pretty much everyday of my life, none of whom I ever recognize.
It’s fascinating as it is annoying, and in these situations I tend to try and amuse myself as best I can. That’s when this observation came about. Toe cleavage. Was it on purpose? Was it a crime of fashion? Do these people even realise what they are doing? What is the meaning of it all??
At this point, I know some people would be asking if I have some kind of a foot-fetish. And the truth is, I have an everything fetish. No part of a woman doesn’t turn me on, so just think about that next time I look at you.
Now, there are four kinds of toe cleavage. The first being none at all, which is nice, but useless for the topic on hand. The second (and much more interesting) is the most subtle form of toe cleavage. Maybe just one or two creases, the pinkie and ring-toe, peeking ever so slightly out the top of shoe. This is HOT, and I am not alone in thinking so. In fact, it is recommended by many stylists, including Spanish fashion designer Manolo Blahnik, who said that "the secret of toe cleavage (a very important part of the sexuality of the shoe) is that you must only show the first two cracks." It’s sexually suggestive, much like traditional cleavage, and I salute any female who embraces this style on purpose.
Then there is the third type of toe cleavage, which is also known as “a LOT of toe cleavage”, every toe making itself present with 4 lines sticking out from the shoe. This only works if you have super nice feet (and let's face it, you don't) otherwise it is a bit overkill for me. What's the matter honey, did they not have it in your size? Or do you not realise what you have done? That said, there are probably tons of guys who get off on it, but then again tons of guys get off on granny poo too. For me none of this really works.
Finally, there is the proper mess, and I have only ever really seen this once. This rather large African lady had shoved her foot into a shoe like a pack of sausages into a shot glass. There were toes bursting out everywhere, her pinkie itself was fully showing, squashed almost underneath her foot as if it was deformed. Maybe it was. I mean, why wear the shoe at all? I CAN SEE YOUR ENTIRE FOOT AND IT LOOKS PAINFUL AND DISGUSTING.
And I hope with that, you feel more conscious about toe cleavage. Look out for it on the next escalator. Decide what you like. Judge people by how much of their toes you can see. Put them into a categories. Put yourself into a category. Think about this for the rest of the day.
With that, here’s this:
JUICE NOTHING
First things first, I put a little roof onto the website's header, do you like it? I love it! For a year or something, those two yellow characters seemingly floating in mid-air bothered the shit out of me. But now I feel like I can leave that be for a while, thank god, especially with the introduction of another character you may recognize.
Second of all, a new blog was just launched called “The Best Songs Of 2011 So Far (according to me)". I am very happy with it because I have finally figured out a secret formula to writing a new style of reviews, which will serve me until I die. Stoked.
Besides that, I have the working of 4 other blogs in progress, ideas for millions of others, and have got pretty far with the rough draft of my next short story. It’s going to be a harsh one.
THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Literally a few days after the last news piece, we launched our video The First Date. The response has been thrilling to say the least, and here I will reveal for the first time what is exactly going on. Basically, I have a “chronic eating disorder” or so they say, called Rumination Syndrome. What this means is that my guts want to puke after every meal, but it doesn’t stink or taste like puke, and is quite effortless. I told my girlfriend Lizzie about this, and she said she would eat it if what I said was true. I had the idea to film it. A few discussions and a load of jelly later, we had this clip, filmed in less than an hour, post-production in less than 2 days. It recently hit 1000 views on YouTube, meaning: more hits than any other video we’ve done, besides that David Lynch one.
But with great awesomness comes great plagiarism, and within 24 hours, some guy stole half of the video to promote his company ClassiPhix. In fury, we pulled the weight of our friends together and shut it down in 35 minutes. Take a look by clicking this:
It's a bit boring, but still, I would like to thank everyone who helped us out, you guys rock my world. Honestly, it was one the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, and proves the power of social networking once again.
Anyways, it seems the hibernation period for us is over, and everyone in the FPP (including Loose who is back from the battle in Austria (he didn’t win)) have been actively discussing our next move, which will be the first project where everyone will play a major role. Excited is an understatement, hopefully it will get done in the next 2 months at most. Gonna be a biggie.
HELP JARED WOODS MEET LILY ALLEN
So as I mentioned last time, I had news, which was an interview on Belgium Radio about this project. It was a little bit awkward for me, and in hindsight it does sound like they thought I knew Lily personally, but it’s a small dream come true and you can listen to it here:
I thought this was going to propel me into stardom, but instead, I got a 14 extra hits on my website. The power of modern radio huh? Blergh, back to the drawing board.
COMING DOWN HAPPY
I have been working SUPER hard on this and I can say that if my progress was a circle with 2 points heading in opposite directions, they are finally turning the corner to face each other. I have also set-up a specific way of measuring my progress based on a heavy equation, and I can say with almost full surety that I have 17.5% complete of the final stretch. Which looks real small, I know, but it will only get faster, and especially the final 15% will be done in a few days, I think. I don’t have a deadline any more, I can’t rush this, but I am hoping to get it done before October. September. December. End of 2011 at max. But it's better than anything I have ever done before ever, including being born.
ALBUM CHARTS
Things are still going strong, passed 300 albums the other day which is great! I also went back and fine-combed the January section, which meant re-listening, reordering and rereviewing every single one of them, resulting in a much more accurate list. To give you some idea, Cape Dory by Tennis went up 34 places. I also lowered the quality for all of Jan’s images, leaving it uglier but with a much faster loading time. I have started this process for February too now. Loads of fun mate. Loads of fun.
FORMSPRING
As if everything above isn’t enough, I did manage to answer one formspring question. And despite the lack of response, it is one of my favourites of all time, and don’t be surprised if I make a comic of it one day. Read it here: Madonna vs. Lady Gaga: Street Fighter Style!
Shew, I think that’s it. I am not sure when the next update will be because my little sister is coming to stay with me for the whole of July, and I don't know if writing blogs would be enough entertainment for her. But I'm sure I can get some shit done.
As per usual, follow me on Twitter (I’m really funny) and check back next time for more stuff I say.
Not to sound dramatic or anything, but there are two tragedies involved with the writing of this blog. They are:
Tragedy number 1: This list is far from perfect (as anything based around an opinion that could change tomorrow would be). I refused to get caught up in this one, and didn’t research popular opinions or hide behind the stuff critics have already said. The majority of these songs were off the top of my head with no help from anyone, for better or for worse. It was also really hard to narrow it down to 20, I can’t tell you how close I was to doing 30, and how my heart ached as I dropped some of them off. Songs are people too you know, and I hope the neglected ones forgive me.
Tragedy number 2: Even though this is from the 1st of January to the 1st of July, there won’t be a second part. If anything, this is the prequel to the Top 50 Albums of 2011 blog, which will be out in December. I am so sorry about this, but I am simply one man with almost 10 fingers who isn’t getting paid for any of this. But if you wish to pay me (and I urge you to do so), I will write anything you want. Anything. Try me.
Anyways, 18 out of these 20 songs can be found on my Spotify playlist Best Songs Of 2011 (01 Jan - 01 July), and even more on my extended version here (UK only) which I have crafted just for you. Educate yourself sweetie, starting right neow:
20. tUnE-yArDs - My Country
Album: W H O K I L L (19 April)
Art Pop
Once upon a tUnE-yArDs forum, I read someone ask “What do you mean she’s not black?” I was quite offended and taken aback by that comment. Because like... what do you mean she’s not black?? Turns out they were right too - she's not. But one thing is for certain: she is black on the inside. No white person could possibly have such thumping rhythms coupled with this kind of original quirkiness, which (race aside) is quite unlike anything I have ever heard before. Each second drops something cooler than the last second, layered with varied instrumentation, and proving once again that the worst thing about living a lie is just wondering when they'll find out. Except when they actually do find out.
19. Yelle - Safari Disco Club
Album: Safari Disco Club (14 March)
French Electropop
Yo, what do you get if Electropop impregnates Africa, and then the baby is born in France? Give up? I'm talking about this song, duh, what the fuck else would I be talking about? I mean, sure, I don't understand a word she is saying, but man, when I’m alone this song makes me bounce around like I’m all trippin' and shit. It’s a weird sort of fun, like that instant stick when you step on bubblegum from the mouth of the hottest girl in school. You don't tell anyone, but you keep that gum in a secret place to remind you of what it is you don't have. What? Watch real music video here, it's awesome.
18. Radiohead - Lotus Flower
Album: The King Of Limbs (18 February)
Glitch Pop
I have an issue with this song. It’s just that every time someone plays it, I jump up, put on a hat and begin to dance like an epileptic octopus. I actually went to a support group for it, apparently its quite common, and we can all blame Thom Yorke and this (somewhat) solo-effort he has put out. Filled with tinkering layers and pitter-pattering rhythm, it’s covered in sounds without stepping on its own toes. Minimal but not stripped, obscure and doomy, captivating and dream-like, slow and trippy, building you up, droning you down, artistic like only Radiohead know how... and I better stop there. My therapist advised me to stop thinking about this track, it's bad for my heart.
17. REKS - 25th Hour
Album: Rhythmatic Eternal King Supreme (08 March)
East Coast Hip-hop
Look, basically, if you weren’t born on the streets, you just won’t get it. You see, the East Coast hood I grew up in, you had to be street-wise. If you wanted to be a gangster, you had to talk fast but not walk too fast, and you had to know there was no school without old school. Do you know what I am saying? You needed flow man. You needed grime. You needed to be massive. You needed to bounce your head with a straight face, otherwise you wouldn’t SURVIVE player. You get me? Yeah? Then get the fuck out my face.
16. Danger Mouse & Daniele Luppi - Two Against One (feat. Jack White)
Album: Rome (17 May)
Indie Rock; Operatic Pop
I relate to this song. You see, what most of you don’t know is that I was once a cowboy. That is, until the fateful day I passed a mirror and saw myself giving myself a disrespectful smirk. It was hypnotic, and I approached it as I sang acoustic songs to myself, fingers creeping around like little spiders, but never breaking eye contact. I decided right then and there that I didn’t want to be a cowboy any more, and I left the scene for good. I was 8 years old. Please note that the above video is not official.
15. Jessica Lea Mayfield - Run Myself Into The Ground
Album: Tell Me (08 February)
Alt-Country WARNING: THE ABOVE VIDEO IS NOT THE FUCKING REAL VERSION, IT DOESN'T EXIST ON YOUTUBE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THE ONE THAT MATTERS HERE FOR FUX SAKE ARGH
I don’t know why Jessica, but you are making me feel guilty here. I want to help you. I want you to help me help you. You have so much soul, so much power, but you sound so sad - surely we can work it out? Why are you stringing my gut along like this? With your oh-so-fancy country flirtations and your pure-tear-jerking-genuine-vocal-brilliance... Why? Huh? Why are you doing this to me? And you want to know what's really fucked up? I am actually proud of you Jess. You just seem... stronger now. Almost better without me. You’re standing on your own two feet and you are giving women all around the world a reason to stop washing dishes and leave the kitchen. I will wash your dishes for you Jessica. I will do anything for you. Please take me back.
14. Nicolas Jaar - Space is Only Noise If You Can See
Space Is Only Noise (14 February)
Microhouse
I’m pretty sure that if you missed your train back to earth and you were forced to spend a night floating in orbit, this is what you would listen to. Like being in the biggest open space possible and yet writhing in claustrophobia, you would have no choice but to grab a calculator and fix yourself; read the news; and watch your clock baby, watch your clock. I mean, space is only noise if you can see, right? It’s a weird situation to be in, that's what I’m trying to say.
(On a side note, every time that bass kicks in, I don’t know whether to go to sleep or pack my bag and run away from home. Does anyone else get that?)
13. PJ Harvey - The Glorious Land
Album: Let England Shake (14 February)
Alternative Singer/Songwriter; Chamber Pop
I need to take what I call a “serious moment” here. There was a lot of inner turmoil when it came to selecting this song because the whole album is just so fucking good. I felt I had to represent PJ somehow as she is in the forefront of 2011 right now, but while this is the first single, I can't express enough that it's not necessarily the best song. There isn't one. Because, I swear, if England itself grew legs, picked up a guitar and rented some studio time - stuff like this would be its lo-fi offering. Short marches through damp stone alley ways, it feels hauntingly patriotic as if in time of war, drunk with mood under grey skies with soldiers echoing “What is the glorious fruit of our land?” The fruit is deformed children. A call-and-response, bellowing out to the sound of a bugle declaring battle. Oh America! Oh England! Did I mention she sounds a bit like a witch? Ah, forget it, you will never understand how I feel about this shit.
12. Battles - Ice Cream
Album: Gloss Drop (06 June)
Experimental Rock
Have you ever eaten too much Ice Cream? Yeah, I have. It’s like a chaotic yet still user-friendly sex-feeling which builds up inside of you, especially if you have a deeper appreciation for the stuff. Mmmm, and then before you know it, you are naked in public, nothing but your headphones on, jumping around excitedly while you shout lyrics which no one else can understand. But everyone knows you are the party. Everyone knows you are the most fun. Court date still pending.
11. Anna Calvi - Blackout
Album: Anna Calvi (17 January)
Alternative Singer/Songwriter; Art Pop
Something about this song reminds me of religion. I get images of a sinister Santa and shit, rolling down a gothic hallway towards me. Or soaring above my head, but never quite striking... leaving me hanging. There is something stunning about that image, I think. An almost warmth with a cold center swirling around inside of you, covered in layers of evil which is brilliantly disguised by the most superb vocal composition. Yeah. That’s what this song reminds me of.
10. Dumbo Gets Mad - Harmony
Album: Elephants At The Door (02 February)
Psychedelic Pop
I’m not sure if this story is technically true or not, but it is truly something. I heard from a friend that MGMT were once on this smooth sailing boat trying to write music for a porno. They were practising the theremin and some percussion instruments and what-not, when out of nowhere they got hit by a giant whirlpool. Their boat got torn to pieces from underneath them, and they fell into the swirling water which just got bigger and bigger, softly burying their vocals and drowning them in such an original way, that this very song shot into the sky and nestled into an elephant's ear - which made him very angry. Isn't that beautiful yet so tragic, in a very unusual way? Some say MGMT never came back again, but that’s the only part of the story I don’t really believe.
09. Cults - You Know What I Mean
Album: Cults (07 June)
Twee Pop
Do you remember your first real kiss? Does the thought bring back the engaging scent of nostalgia, swamped by adoration as you slow danced during the late-60’s? Wasn't it so soft at first, but followed abruptly by the flow of adrenaline, causing your heart to beat like little baby punches inside of your ribcage? And yet despite this conflict, the process felt so natural and was over far too fast, leaving you wondering “what just happened??” Right? Right. This feels like that. Please note that the above video is not official.
08. Jamie Woon - Lady Luck
Album: Mirrorwriting (04 April)
Blue-Eyed Soul
My friends hate the new me, but when I listen to Jamie Woon's smooth falsetto, sampling his own voice like an instrument, it hooks me worse than smack. Who hurt you Jamie? Who hurt you? Tell me, and I will cry for you. I mean, I’m not gay or anything, but he is in a different LEAGUE my friend, and this song should be a Top 40 hit all year round. Please fuck me Jamie Woon. Fuck me hard. Once again, I’m not gay, not into that shit.
07. The Naked and Famous - Punching In A Dream
Album: Passive Me, Aggressive You (14 March)
Indie Pop; Electronic
Man, if you ever got to punch a dream, this is what it would sound like. You’re bouncing around after you snorted a line of pure sugar, slapping pink things whilst singing these radio-friendly lyrics word-for-word even if you’ve never heard the song before. It’s exciting! A poppy-retro kind of exciting, and massive proof that this band obviously works really hard on what they are doing. Well, congrats guys, probably the catchiest song of the year so far. (Please note - originally released in 2010, UK release 2011)
06. Tennis - Long Boat Pass
Album: Cape Dory (18 January)
Twee Pop
I was once seeing this innocent girl who was super happy and loved to rollerskate. During one summer in the 70’s, we went to the beach together and frolicked in the sun - the simple life. It was picturesque and lovely. We admired the boats and scenery until the sun was too hot, and then I bought a soda-pop for us to share. That’s when she burst into song. This. Very. Song. I was in a musical all along. Hardly anything in my life exists. WHO AM I? WHO WAS SHE?? WHY ARE YOU READING MY THOUGHTS??? LEAVE ME ALONE.
05. Katy B - Katy On A Mission
Album: On A Mission (04 April)
UK Funky House
Yeah man, this track reminds me of the time I dropped an E at some club in Brixton. It was off-the-fucking-hook, the right time at the right place. I was dancing with a big smile, ear to ear, and everything was in slow motion. I kept making eye-contact with the most gorgeous ladies, and we shared smiles, as if we knew something that general society didn't. I kept falling in love with everyone - friends, strangers, you name it - I loved them all. It felt so modern and so perfect, as if God had remastered the whole world, and the production was delicious. That kind of shit lingers with you, man. Those moments last forever.
04. Lanu - Beautiful Trash
Album: Her 12 Faces (07 March)
Nu Jazz
Put summer in a jar. Throw in some upbeat tempos and stir until very light and creamy. Add the infectiously catchiness you previously mixed with the voice of smiles, and then sprinkle the top with whole load of love. Shake until well care-free and happy-go-lucky, and then serve warm. That’s how this song was made. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t dig it.
03. Gang Gang Dance - Adult Goth
Album: Eye Contact (09 May)
Neo-Psychedelia
Just by listening to this atmospheric and hilariously titled song, I think you will all agree that there is no real way a human could have made something so immense and generous. Theories are varied, but I believe that they are electronic aliens, synthesized by the government. They must have escaped, hiding out in Japan learning vocals, and then moving down to India to learn traditional music. They eventually settled in New York and released this track, ensuring that they are forever planted in our heads, completing their first step towards world domination. You want more proof? Ok: Ever since I started listening to this song, my erectile dysfunction has disappeared. Explain that shit.
02. Tyler, The Creator - Yonkers
Album: Goblin (10 May)
Hardcore Hip-Hop
"What you think of Hayley Williams? Fuck her! Wolf Haley robbin’ ‘em, I’ll crash that fuckin’ airplane at that faggot nigga B.o.B is in, and stab Bruno Mars in his goddamn oesophagus and won’t stop until the cops come in." That's all you need to know about this song.
01. James Blake - Limit To Your Love
Album: James Blake (07 February)
Art Pop; Electronic
Ok, so it’s a cover song (originally by Feist) which is normally against my principles. But let me tell you a secret as to why this track was chosen (please don’t tell anyone). The first time I heard this piece, a very unsettling incident took place. I ejaculated. But this wasn’t any ordinary ejaculation, it was in slow motion, and it came out in the litres. Dense semen was quietly pouring down my leg and it was ice cold. And then... it sucked right back in. All that jizz crawled back into my cock, forever lost like life itself had turned onto itself, and I felt such immense tension that I cried in silence for hours. Mark my words: if a better song is released in 2011 - then all that Mayan 2012 shit is true.
Conclusion
(Alright Jared, wrap it up nicely. No pressure. Leave these people with something to remember. Something smart. Something witty. Don’t fail me now Jared, this is the most important part of the blog. Make me proud. Make yourself proud.)
Uhm, ok, so a horse walks into a bar and the barman says “why the long face?” and the horse says “cancer” and the barman says “we don’t serve your kind in here” and the horse says “I bet you I can pee in that shot glass from where I'm sitting” and the barman says “what is this, some kind of a joke?” and then the horse pukes up blood and dies.
Unfortunately this round I don’t have anything funny to say because I CAN'T BE ASSED. Instead, here is what I have been working on as of late:
JUICE NOTHING
I just launched the sequel to My Brief Brushes With Greatness, aptly titled My Brief Brushes With Greatness Part II. It actually turned out better than I could have hoped, so read it already, Gawd.
I am also almost a third into writing the next blog, so hopefully that won’t take too long.
ALBUM CHARTS
Sadly, I am waaay behind the charts for May, but I don't really care. Instead I have been giving myself the time to go back and listen to past releases I enjoy, which has been good for my stress levels. I recently passed 200 albums from 2011, and it continues to be updated almost every day, so you might as well get your music fix right here.
COMING DOWN HAPPY
This shit is coming together PROPER, but every time I make one step forward, four more steps present themselves. I will say that final instrumental mixes are being made.
Pretty soon all work on everything else will cease for a short time because I really should be focusing on this project. It is massively cool you guys. And for the first time, I will reveal this: if you think that Coming Down Happy is just a music project, you are so very wrong.
This does mean my Inbox is dangerously close to empty (6 left - first time in a long time) so please ask me stuff!
THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Finally, I actually have news. The script for our next short has been finalized and shooting is scheduled to take place on Tuesday. Nobody could predict what it is, but if all goes according to plan, it should be one to remember. Hopefully out in 2 weeks or less - hold thumbs, and keep checking the site.
HELP JARED WOODS MEET LILY ALLEN
Somehow there is actually news coming for this project. It's such a lol, I am beginning to doubt it will ever really die.
And that’s everything for now. Remember to follow me on Twitter because then you will get all of the news all of the time, lost in-between nothing at all.
It’s crazy for me to think that I wrote the original part of this blog just over a year ago. Somehow in that short time I have managed to experience/remember enough encounters to actually write a second part, which is not only a longer piece, but also a thousand times more impressive in its content. How did this happen exactly? Well, I’m not entirely sure, but I think it might have something to do my model-like facial features or my passionate yet harmless personality.
But before I get on with it, I must address the few unfortunate souls who somehow endured my previous instalment and might remember me going on about that floating chalk rib I had. If you are lucky enough to have no idea what I am talking about, now would be a good time to skip to the main article, but if you do, there has been an addition to the story since then. After said former post, I received an email from a friendly bloke named Francis from Charring Cross, and he frantically detailed a similar phenomenon he experiences in his day to day life. He too had some floating bone structure, and he too believed that it grew in power once coming into contact with celebrities, just like mine. Eagerly, I agreed to meet up with this average looking guy in a pub called The Porcupine. Here, we briefly discussed our matching anatomy, he bought me a drink, and I don’t remember a goddamn thing after that.
I woke up groggy on the infinite loop that is the Circle Line, with a neat surgical scar just above my pubic region. This motherfucker had removed my rib, no doubt to keep it for himself and increase his potential superiority. You might think this would anger me, but it doesn’t whatsoever. For starters, I have finally stopped shitting blood. And besides that, my insane desire to meet people who are more famous than me has not wavered in the slightest. Perhaps my power didn’t come from my insides anyway? Perhaps I am just a typical celebrity junkie after all? Regardless, I intend to keep on meeting these social heroes at every turn I can, and I also intend to (hopefully) keep writing a new instalment every year. Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. How do you feel about me? Fuck-off, read:
15. Jamie Lynne Spears
Totally by accident one day, I just happened upon Jamie Lynne’s Twitter page. No idea how that happened, I swear. But I did notice that she was very good at answering her fans back, even going so far as to say “I can’t keep up with ya'll, the best way to get hold of me is through my email”. I thought this was very nice of her, so I mailed the given address with quite a long message, mostly asking her about the kid she had recently given birth to. I figured it might be a topic close to her heart or something, hopefully encouraging a response.
And motherfucker, she replied! It was a very short email that read “Maddie’s [her baby] doing good. i've been extremely busy with her.” Which was lame, so I left it at that. But still... RAD.
The thing is, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never get to fuck Britney Spears. She is far too super famous and rich for me. But Jamie has hardly had any success in life at all, and yet looks just like Britney. I reckon I could get her, is what I’m trying to say.
The reason why this entry is so low is because the Twitter account wasn’t verified, meaning it could have been just some adolescent boy wanking to someone else’s fan mail. But if you want to try this at home, you can use this address here: jamielynnmb@aol.com
14. Ferdinand Rabie
Here’s one for the Saffas.
The first ever South African Big Brother was huge news in my hometown, and my family loved to gather around and watch ordinary people live in an ordinary house on an ordinary day-to-day basis. The concept is ridiculous to me now, but at the time it was unlike anything we had heard of before, and I used to watch the shower scenes in a separate room from my parents.
Anyway, as with every year, there was an undefeated fan favourite whose name was Ferdi. He was a funny guy, full of shit and loved by all, which was proven when he eventually won the competition and the million rand that came with that.
Many months later, I went to some fancy dinner for my friends 21st, and sitting at a table close to us was the main man himself with a very hot date only a million bucks could buy. Me and my friend couldn’t stand for that, so we went over to shake his hand. I looked at his eyes and dreamily said “Good to meet you man, I’m a huge fan” to which he laughed in my face. In hindsight, that was pretty stupid. A fan of what exactly? Some guy who lived in a house? And I paid the price, as the rest of the evening my mates ripped me off and made me feel like less of a person. I guess I deserved it, but it’s a story anyhow.
13. GhostPoet
In my quest to find THE GREATEST 2011 ALBUM EVER, I stumbled upon something quite close to that in February, namely Peanut Butter Blues and Melancholy by a man called GhostPoet. This Experimental Hip-Hop release was so good, I frantically shoved it into all of my friend’s faces, most of whom ate it right up and continuously spoke to me about it.
This encouraged me to find out more about this guy, and I fell upon his Twitter page. I couldn’t stop there and sent him a message saying “You are something fresh buddy.” to which he responded “thanks very much matey!” Here is the proof:
Nice. I am a huge fan and was even more so back then, and once again this solidifies the grand power of Twitter.
12. Justin Pearson
I doubt most of you know who Justin is, so allow me to educate you.
I consider Mr. Pearson to be one of the modern fathers of the Post-Hardcore-Grindcore-Noise scene. Not only is he a front member of The Locust, but more recently is fronting a band called All Leather, who are fucking awesome. Besides this, he has been in the bands Holy Molar, Head Wound City, Ground Unicorn Horn, Brain Tourniquet, Struggle, Swing Kids, The Crimson Curse, and Some Girls. He is also the owner of Three One G records who were the first to sign one of my favourite artists The Blood Brothers. Not to mention, he has done work with Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and The Bloody Beetroots. His other achievements include releasing an autobiography called From the Graveyard of the Arousal Industry, and was once on Jerry Springer making out with a boy. So yeah, despite being stupidly underground by choice, his CV reads like an essay.
Many years ago, there was a P2P program called Soulseek, which also featured a chat element to it, filled with elitists and wankers who hid bravely behind their screens. Some guy started chatting about noise music, and really knew his shit. When I asked him if he knew The Locust, he was like “I am in The Locust”. Pretty soon I was chatting to this guy privately all about this, and he introduced himself as Justin. I began to pester him with questions about Mike Patton until he told me to fuck off and we never chatted again.
Years passed, Facebook came about, and I joined a group called “Justin Fucking Pearson” because he is still all that. A year later, Justin himself joined Facebook (add him here) and HE fucking added ME. It was purely for promo reasons I found out, but it’s definitely legit, and so I couldn’t help asking him this:
LOL. I have since spoken to him after that (a post he has either deleted or Facebook has swallowed up) and I said something along the lines of “Justin, please can I have a free signed copy of your book?” to which he replied “No, don’t you have a job?” So I giggled like a schoolgirl and then touched myself to pictures of him. He’s a good looking guy, it’s not gay.
11. Alexis Krauss
Last year I compiled a list of My Top 50 2010 albums, something I am very proud of and still stands as one of the most testing things I have ever written. Before and since that time, I have seen a lot of those bands live, and one of them would be Sleigh Bells who sat at number 3 for their release Treats. Very intense Noise Pop styles, check it out.
So yeah, I’m a fan. The guitarist Derek E. Miller produces all of the music, and is most famous for formerly being in the post-hardcore band Poison The Well. But the real star is Alexis, the singer. This is because she’s adorable, and her sweet vocals are in huge contrast to the chaos that backs her up. And I am in love with her. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I went to see them all by myself, I pushed my way to the front like a boss, and managed to stick my hand out just far enough that she grabbed it OF HER OWN ACCORD. I then put it down my pants, which is kind of a theme for most of these stories I realise.
Afterwards, I managed to obtain their set-list from the stage and then writers from NME interviewed me about Beyonce for some reason. I said some cocky shit and then strutted out of there with middle fingers blazing. I never found out if NME used my words or not, but I’m still pretty amped about how this whole event went.
10. JD Samson
On the very same night I went to see Sleigh Bells, a very interesting Dance-Punk band opened for them called Men. Their sound was really weird and the lead singer guy wore this cubic hat thing and sang about sex and money a lot. Needless to say, I was an instant fan.
In-between bands I was walking around, and happened upon the merch store where the singer was just standing there, minding his own business. I walked right up to him without fear and said “You fucking rock, you have a new fan” and shook his hand. We chatted a bit more about online places to hear their stuff, and I left feeling chuffed that I had just met someone so talented.
A few weeks later upon researching this band, I found out that not only was this singer the same singer from Le Tigre (a much more famous band than Men), but HE actually happened to be a SHE. Oops. Her fault though, she has been taking hormone medication which gives her a nifty moustache (as you can see above).
But the real reason why this entry means so much to me is that JD is currently in a lesbo relationship with Sia, pretty much my favourite female vocalist of 2010. I love Sia so fucking much, and (as I type this, according to Last.FM) she is my most listened to solo female artist EVER. Do you understand what this means?? I SHOOK THE HAND THAT NO DOUBT GETS STUCK INTO SIA’S FUCKING VAGINA ON A REGULAR BASIS. I could die.
09. Wes Borland
When it comes to Limp Bizkit, nothing really needs to be said that hasn’t been said before. That said, Wes Borland has somehow escaped the vicious and unforgiving claws of the general Nu-Metal backlash, and is still regarded as an alright dude. Probably something to with his face-paint or the fact that he has quit the band twice already. I like him anyway.
But all rockstar’s are douches, fact. And on one particular Twitter occasion, Wes was feeling extra egotistical and said this:
To which I replied with:
To which he replied with:
So yeah, I got permission to suck Wes Borland’s dick. I would do it too you know, but I wouldn’t swallow. What kind of person do you think I am?
08. Alice Glass
I love Alice Glass. How much do I love Alice Glass you ask? Well, enough to label her the 2nd hottest chick ever in my blog "The 30 Hottest Girls Ever”, which is a decent position I guess.
Anyway, the 15th of October 2010 was a special day for me. My first tattoo had been started 2 days previous, The Funpowder Plot had been launched that morning, and it was my birthday the very next day. To celebrate, me and my mates went to watch Crystal Castles, and I shoved my way to the front because that’s what I do bitch, damn.
Once there, I just stared at Alice Glass as she jumped around like a monkey and screamed like chav, making me feel all sorts of things in all sorts of places. She then whipped out this bottle of Jack Daniels and started pouring it into the mouths of random peeps from the crowd. Like a hungry baby bird, I lunged forward and stuck my open mouth towards her, whining loudly as I did so until she took notice. She reached over and proceeded to pour my favourite drink into my stomach, which meant the world to me. Then she jumped into the crowd. Happy fucking birthday Jared Woods.
07. Janelle Monáe
Of all the albums I heard in 2010, The ArchAndroid was by far the greatest, proof being in the blog mentioned earlier, here. So when me and my friends found out that she was playing a show with Ratatat and Vampire Weekend, we promptly bought our tickets and then took a scenic stroll to the venue when the time was right.
Needless to say, her show was impeccable. Her voice reminds me of having sex with a real women, not just these High-School Girls or Supermodels that I’m used to. Seriously, if you don’t know her in all her talent and glory and eccentric perfection, do yourself a fucking favour mate.
Vampire Weekend followed her, and they weren’t as good. However, we enjoyed the show standing right next to the VIP section which was nothing more than an elevated floor with stairs guarded by a grumpy security man. We were having a nice time, when my friend Reiko tapped me on the shoulder and said “isn’t that Janelle over there?” Lo-and-behold, it fucking was! She was leaning against the VIP railing, literally a few metres away from us, enjoying Vampire Weekend do their thing. The groupie in me took over, and I hastily approached her, reached up and poked her arm. She looked down on me in that diva kind of way and I stuck out my hand, which she gracefully took, shook, smiled, and then turned back to watch the show.
To be honest, the vibe I got from her was very “oh cute, you little boy, I am God and you want to touch me”, but that isn’t very far from the truth I suppose. And since then I have had much more sophisticated conversations about current events, and have developed a taste for red wine. She has that effect on people.
06. The Brain
I know what you’re thinking - impossible, right? Wrong! I have made contact with a cartoon character, allow me to show you how this is very possible and how to achieve this yourself.
Cartoon characters don’t exist, duh. However, they are created by an artist and then copyrighted and owned by a company (in this case Warner Brothers). Which means in order to make contact with one of these guys, you have to somehow communicate with a writer who has official permission to speak on behalf of the character itself, otherwise they will more than likely get sued. This does not mean that if you go to Disney Land and speak to someone dressed as Mickey Mouse that you have officially spoken to Mickey Mouse. That’s just some fuck in a suit. You need to actually communicate with the character on paper, as that is where they live.
This is how I did it: When I was about 8 years old, I collected Animaniacs comics, which invited readers to write to Pinky and The Brain and tell them their plan to take over the world. I came up with some elaborate (yet 8-year-old-stupid) scheme which involved collecting all the flowers in the world until you found the most beautiful flower that ever existed. With this flower, everyone would pay all their money to see it, which broke down to: all the money on the planet = taking over the world.
Much to my great excitement, it got published with a little response that read something like: “Obviously you must own that flower yourself. If not, I shall claim it for myself and take over the world!” - Brain
So I made contact with the official Brain, according to all copyright and ownership laws put in place to protect the character from misuse. Beat that shit bitches.
05. Fred Durst
Well, what do you know? The second entry from a Limp Bizkit member. I don’t like them! I promise!
Truth be told, I follow Fred on Twitter. I’m not even sure why because he is as boring as fuck. However, on one occasion it all became worth it, and it went like this:
Fred posted a video for his fans which featured the man himself driving his car whilst listening to the up-and-coming Bizkit album Gold Cobra. The sound quality was bad and I wasn’t impressed, so I felt compelled to tell him so. I believe my exact words were “Haha, this album is going to fail so hard.”
Understandably so, his groupies were pretty mad, one of whom even threatening me with violence by altering the lyrics of Break Stuff and directing them at me. Creative! But what really surprised me was when Fred himself sent me a PRIVATE MESSAGE saying:
This is a bigger deal than you might think. When it comes to Twitter, you can’t send someone a Private Message unless they are following you. This is to protect celebrities. It means that not anyone can just send some mail to their favourite star, and it keeps their Inboxes clean and reserved for people they actually want to speak to. But by sending me a private message, Fred opened the door, and I have the power to just click “Reply” whenever I want to send him a private message myself. This will go directly to him and he WILL read it because it won’t get lost among all the other countless ways his 1,530,044 followers are trying to get his attention.
I haven’t sent him anything yet though, because with great power comes great responsibility, and I can’t think of something good enough to nail him with. If you have an idea, let me know!
Besides this, there was another time when Fred Tweeted @ himself, to which I replied "Did you just Tweet yourself?" and he embarrassingly admitted "By mistake!" and then deleted it. Amateur.
Like him or not though, he is more famous than you.
04. Kevin Rowland
In 2010, I lived in a great house on Brick Lane, London, with some of the key members from The Funpowder Plot. We affectionately dubbed this house The Rad Pad, and to say this place was insane is an understatement. Every weekend (and often during the week) we would spend our time getting all-sorts of fucked-up and literally destroying the home we lived in. We smashed chairs on a weekly basis, punched holes through the walls, and had about a thousand hippies at any given time sleeping in our lounge. All too often I’d wake up with music blasting far too loud from empty bedrooms, whilst a bunch of strangers were doing cocaine off of our kitchen table. “No thanks,” I’d say. “I’ve got to go to work now.”
So yeah, we made a fuckload of noise for sometimes up to 70 hours in one go. You would imagine this wouldn’t go down too well with our neighbours, but they were actually pretty chilled, probably because the area itself was so fucking raucous anyway.
Except there was this one guy. Every weekend he would walk onto our property and no one would even notice. He would ask around until he found one of the housemates, and then tell us to “please turn it down! I can’t sleep!” I’d always be like “Hey man, come and join us, have a beer!” to which he’d laugh for the first few hundred times, but by the end of our stay you could see he was pretty fucked off with us.
I’m sure you can tell where this is going. Eventually we moved out of that house, and settled into where we are now, The East Village, totally forgetting about this guy and almost everything that happened in that house anyway. Until one day my buddy Ash was watching a documentary about Dexys Midnight Runners, that band who had that hit Come On Eileen. There, talking on the TV, was the same bitter old man who always told us to turn our music down. A so called rockstar, the lead singer Kevin Rowland, who couldn't even stand our noise.
This blew us all away, but more than that, made me super bleak. If we had known, I would have blasted that fucking song all night. Every time he came over to bitch, it would be “Come On Eileen” over and over until he actually cried into further insanity. I love the track, but fuck him, the world is my nightclub.
It is also such a lol to watch him do this.
03. Ninja
Much like any self respecting South African who has even a slice of local music awareness, I knew of Ninja before $O$; before Good Morning South Africa; before The Ziggurat; before The Fantastic Kill; and before Memoirs of a Clone. It was one of his first releases from the outfit Max Normal called Songs From The Mall that really planted into my brain, and I have been a fan ever since.
He has come a long way since then, bouncing over monikers like a child with ADD, but I have always followed him like an obedient puppy-dog and loved everything he has touched. All of my friends did. Unfortunately our love for him; his experimental dabbling; and his venture into a toy-line weren’t paying the bills, and he eventually decided to go (almost) back to the name that had made him fairly well-known in the first place: Max Normal.tv.
It was around this time in 2008 that I was surprised to see he had joined Facebook, and I quickly clicked his name and sent him a message. The conversation went as follows:
I was stoked and showed all of my friends. He then released Good Morning South Africa (my least favourite album of all his shit), and after that didn’t work, he grew as frustrated as he always seems to. He quit Facebook and I was sad. My social status had dropped once again.
Then a few months later he came back, his name now changed to the much simpler “Waddy Jones”, his birth-name. I was literally the first person on Facebook to notice this and posted on his wall saying “Welcome back, sir.” He posted back onto my wall saying “Thank-you kind sir” and then announced to the world that he had thrown away Max Normal.Tv as fast as it had come. He was now working on something very special which he called Die Antwoord.
Of course we all know what happened next. He blew up to stupid proportions and became the biggest act South Africa has ever seen. And I loved it. Shortly afterwards, he wrote an angry note about how Facebook wouldn’t allow him to change his name to Ninja, and he quit the site for good, hence why you can’t find him any more.
My story with Ninja doesn’t end there either. The second time I saw Die Antwoord live in concert, he dived into the crowd, and his knee slammed into the back of my head. My glasses fell onto the ground and shattered into 5 different pieces, some bits I never found again, the rest of it warped beyond functionality. I was pissed off, but if there was ever a way to lose glasses, that is a damn good one. I have since switched to contacts because of this incident, which suits me much better, so I'm grateful in some way. But if I ever get to speak to him again I will tell him that he owes me a pair of specs, that shit was expensive for fucks sake.
02. Pete Doherty
My housemate and fellow buddy The Freewheelin’ Troubadour is a poet and he definitely knows it. He can be found doing gigs all around London, shouting about important topics to anyone who will listen. We all try to attend these things as often as our schedules allow us to, and one particular gig at The Social in early-2010 is where this story takes place.
There we were, drinking away, as Mr. Troubadour had just finished up his set and we were applauding him as he did so. He then introduced the next band called Where’s Strutter by saying something like “These guys just came off of tour with Pete Doherty - or Pe’Do as we like to call him” and we laughed. Literally a second later, Ash tapped me on the shoulder and said “Dude, no jokes, Pete Doherty is right behind me.”
I turned around, and yeah, so he was. My first impression was “Shit, he is a lot taller than I thought!” For some reason he looks really short in pictures, but the dude towers above me.
I watched him out of the corner of my eye until he walked to the bar, and I followed. I went right up to him and said “Hey man” and stuck out my hand. He stuck out his and shook mine, gave me a wink, and that was it. Needless to say, it didn’t take long until everyone in the room was following him everywhere he went.
At some point in the night, he got on stage and played Fuck Forever with Where’s Strutter. That is a very beautiful thing. You are talking a very small venue with less than 100 people in there and no security - not what you would normally get from a Doherty gig. Kris filmed it and you can watch it here. If you keep an eye on the background, you will see The Freewheelin’ Troubadour bouncing his head underneath the disco ball.
Pete hung around quite a bit after the show, but I didn’t speak to him. I had my fix, and it was awesome.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Ashleigh isn’t famous per say, but as his name suggests, he is fucking brilliant. He is known for genius one-liners, stuff that make almost every other Tweet in the world look like shit. I urge you to google his stuff, or look here or here or here.
My top 3 Brilliant quotes are: "If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you."
"My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating."
"Things are gradually falling into place on top of me."
Anyways, one day I stumbled upon his website which is SHIT, just look at it: http://www.ashleighbrilliant.com
I felt he needed to know my opinion, so I mailed him explaining how much I threw up at the sight of his site, and how it didn’t properly represent his content. He replied saying “Please tell me exactly what is wrong with it and what I should change.” So I sent him a list of a thousand things, brutally picking apart why it looks so kak in my humble opinion. He never responded or made the changes I had suggested, but it doesn’t matter. Contact was made and I’m a huge fan.
Hannah Murray
I am in love with Hannah Murray, or more specifically, her character in the first 2 seasons of Skins named Cassie. This is the second time I am telling you this, the first time being when I mentioned her in position 4 on my blog "The 30 Hottest Girls Ever".
Anyways, during my first initial obsession, I googled the shit out of her and found a Twitter page claiming to be her. This page linked to a Formspring account, where the answers seemed pretty legit, so I asked her “How alike are you in real life to your character Cassie?” She responded with “Not that much alike at all!” which is probably true.
Of course, this could all be fake, so I couldn’t justify putting it on the list. But on the off-chance it was real, I couldn’t help but mention it. Yeah, it’s probably fake.
Yes, it’s true. Due to my parents having sex in South Africa, I was forced to provide document upon document attempting to prove that I was not a threat to the Netherlands. I manage to fool them, and have been granted a visa to enter Amsterdam itself. This is a dream come true for a multitude of reasons, none of which I will go into here. It is also interesting because by some coincidence, I am arriving today, 4/20, the international day of cannabis culture. It's a damn shame I don’t smoke weed.
In all seriousness though, I plan to regret this whole trip, so please never ask me what I did there. I will never tell you.
Of course, as the nature of a holiday goes, I won’t be doing any work. This means no formspring questions will be answered, the Best Albums of 2011 section won’t be updated, and I doubt I’ll even Tweet. I will try make up for it when I come back if I even remember my name.
Anyway, before I leave you guys, let me give you the overdue update on what has been going down:
JUICE NOTHING
Just quickly, I released a little blog a few weeks ago called The Best/Worse Of Juice Nothing Artwork. It was a double feature, check it out.
More importantly, a new short story was released RIGHT NOW called The Art Of Enjoyable Flying. It is an interesting one and has an even more interesting backstory.
But PLEASE read the damn thing FIRST before reading the following spoiler:
SPOILER BEGINS
I wrote this short story on an aeroplane. So many facts were actually true to this actual flight in 2009. I sat in seat 30B. I was on my way to Cape Town. There was a promising encounter on the other side. It was my birthday in a week. I sat next a lady, who (while much older and less attractive than Jaime) did have blue toenail polish. And I did take 2 sleeping pills washed down with Heineken.
Part 1 was designed to bore you, stealing the technique from Stephen King whose books usually do nothing until the second half. Part 2 is completely fictionalised, but I have to admit that it is a funny thing to be writing about whilst in the air. That said, the story about Henry and his brother is a slightly editing story that happened to an old friend of mine. It really stuck with me and found it’s way in there. SPOILER ENDS
I only recently remembered I had written this story, so I dug it up and rewrote it in my awesome new skilled ways. I was then faced with the unfortunate job of naming the two characters, the only part of creating fiction that I hate. Originally they were called Sean and Isabelle, but I didn’t want to use either of these for my own reasons, so I came up with this solution:
Cool huh?
My last short story got next to no attention, but this is a creative outlet I simply have to continue with. However, I had the good idea of separating my blogs into “Articles” and “Fiction” so that people don’t have to read what they don’t want to. Just roll over the new menu item called “WRITINGS” above to see what I mean.
I have stupid big ideas coming for Juice Nothing, stuff that will eventually result in this thing churning out tons of content in quite a few mediums. I can’t imagine these things taking too much longer than a few months (or so (or so)).
MUSIC
I must say in all pride that The Best Of Albums 2011 section is by far the most visited page on the site. It needs some work, but it is being worked on to make a better experience for everyone. And I have heard some killer stuff man. April has been awesome so far, much better than March, so it pains me that I will be out of the loop for a week of it. But I doubt you have listened to it all, so now is your chance to catch up.
COMING DOWN HAPPY
I kind of overestimated this project. It’s a good thing, because I am not going to be half-assed about it. I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s say I am about a quarter of the way through the fourth to last step. Sounds bleak, I know, but the worst of it is done I hope. All music is 95%, all lyrics are 95%. The people who have previewed it have cried. No jokes either.
Because of this and the Amsterdam trip, I am unsure when this will be done. Even July seems like pushing it a bit fine, so I am going to say August now. I can only ensure you that when it is launched, you will see where the time went without a doubt.
FORMSPRING
I hit my 300th question a few weeks ago where I cut my hair and shaped it funny.
I have since answered some other cool ones, 2 examples being: How To Get Laid And this one.
So as per usual, Ask Me Anything! I have 17 waiting which will take a while, but you might as well get in line.
THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
I don’t really know what to tell you. Everybody has been really busy and things have been upside down. We have not disappeared, stuff is being worked on. I won’t bring up The YesMen Video again. I will say that Ammr has the skeleton of a cool short film and we are all taking a look at that and working out how something so ambitious is possible. Besides that, an idea has come about which will go viral. And that one could materialize pretty soon if we manage to get a certain party’s permission.
I think that’s it. If you’re lucky, next time I will tell you about my iPhone App idea that failed.
See you on the other side, if you ever see me again.
So sorry to do this, but the short story you are looking for has been removed! How shit is that?
Do not fear! If you want to read it, you still can! Simply download my book This Is Your Brain On Drugs (featuring many other very delicious bits I wrote) from good old Amazon Kindle!
(DOUBLE FEATURE!)
This is what I like to call a “throw-away" blog. As that characterization suggests, it’s a filler piece, put together to fulfil the quota I have set for myself or else I get the hose again. But in my defence, it does have some merit to it. One thing I feel that sets my blog apart from other people’s blogs is that I usually include some fancy Photoshop artwork I made all by myself. Sometimes I am proud of them, sometimes I am ashamed, but either way - they don’t get enough attention. To rectify this, here is an entire blog dedicated to this side of Juice Nothing, which is my way of jumping up and down, screaming “LOOK AT ME OMG LOL WTF FTW”.
This is also the first ever DOUBLE FEATURE! blog for J0, because it is essentially two different blogs with opposite messages back to back. I hope you like it. Or at least read it. Or at least look at the pretty pictures. Or at least think of me occasionally. Or at least pray for me, because I fucking need it. I can't tell if I'm funny anymore.
Part 1: The Best Of Juice Nothing Artwork
Make no mistake, I am very aware that a “Best Of Me” topic comes across as one big self dick suck. But let it be known, I love getting my dick sucked. And fuck you if you don’t like my self-worship. I am officially giving myself permission to be proud of my word-decorations because I listen to Hip-Hop, and those guys talk about how cool they are all the time. Maybe just pretend this is a song? I dunno. Anyways, seeing as my last blog claimed I was John Lennon Reincarnated, I feel like I can pretty much say anything I want now.
Onward, here are my Top 10 Favourite Artworks that I have produced for Juice Nothing thus far:
10. 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter
Funny enough, I was originally going to put this one on the “Worst Of List” because it was so thrown together. But I looked at it for a while and it brought a tear to my eye, and a little soft spot grew inside of me. Like a bruise. Or the desire to puke all over my conceited self.
The message should be pretty obvious, but I’ll explain it anyway: Sylvester is “following” the Twitter bird as if it was Tweety bird (geddit? TWEETy? Whatevs), and in true Looney Tunes fashion he is about to fall off of a cliff. Omg, hilarious. I also used the real Twitter font (hint: it’s actually a mix of two fonts) which makes it look more authentic. Basically: It’s not as bad as the majority of other things I have done, which isn’t saying much.
09. Top 10 Formspring Questions
In all fairness, there was very little editing done to this image on my part. But I love the absurdity of it: A Song About Rusks? A pile of said biscuits lying placidly on a plate? What does it all mean??
Well, it related to a formspring question I was asked by Matthew (my formspring arch-nemesis) which turned out to be one of the most creatively challenging yet memorable entries on my profile. The related blog itself was a bit meh, but the answer I gave is one I am proud of and this image stood out, giving me a sense of joyful panic and victory.
08. Rockstars Fuck Each Other, Happy Valentines Day
While this blog wasn’t my favourite and was more of a “let’s do something for valentines day” bit, this image is cool for a few reasons. The main one is that it is borderline pornographic, taken from a REAL GENUINE porn image (don’t tell my gran). And if you look closely, I cut it off at juuuust the right place too. However, it doesn’t seem tasteless because the whole thing was sweetened up with the surrounding heart texture, giving one an emo-tug and a hard-on at the same time. Awwww, who says romance is dead?
Another useless fact is that the original image I was using was one of a kangaroo. I have no idea how that came about, but in my mind it was justified it by adding the caption “The only creature I ever loved was a kangaroo. We didn't fuck though.” At some point I realised this was stupid, changed the image, but somehow that caption survived and is still on the blog to this very day - go look. I can’t imagine what people thought that meant.
07. 10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter
The follow up blog to the image featured in entry 10. And let’s face it: those Twitter blogs are terrible - I know this. What's even sadder is that I will probably make another one, I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF.
Regardless, I figured this picture was quite clever (pats self on head). Much like the other Twitter one, it contains a cultural reference: this time to Alfred Hitchcock’s movie The Birds, starring Tippi Hedren (featured in the image). See the original here. However, the joke being that instead of The Murderous Birds, I included the Twitter birds, which once again is OMG hilarious. I used the real Twitter font again, but with a little “(more)” added in, which looks totally rad. I think so anyway.
06. Personal Appeal From Jared Woods
This wasn’t from a blog per say, but one of the Juice Nothing News items. The post featured me begging like a little child for votes to go towards The Funpowder Plot’s David Lynch music video. We didn’t win anyway, and the over-promotion we used for this was an experiment which I will never repeat again. Regardless, the image is rad, as it's an obvious rip from Wikipedia’s own personal appeal for money, which I did end up donating £20 towards.
But mainly, I am super hot in this photo because you can only see half of my face and I am wearing nailpolish like a girl. Fuck, I love girls.
05. Easter Eggs Up Your Ass
Ok, so if you ignore the snake giving birth, you will find yourself enjoying a rather great wood finish on this piece, which was featured on every one of the pictures from my Easter 2010 launch. What maybe you don’t realise, is that it was created from scratch, screws and all, using nothing but filters and whatnot. I consider it good icing on a blog which is one of my most informative, if I do say so myself. And I do say so myself. I just said it, in fact.
Now, if you stop ignoring the snake giving birth, you’ll have to admit - it looks pretty disgusting after all. It kind of sticks with you, I find. Please note the little flies and the veins stretching out. It’s the most relative image to this blog’s ludicrous title, and I hope you have a healthy wank to it.
04. 20 Hottest Girls Ever (according to me)
This blog is another great example of a "throw-away" piece. In fact, the best part of this entire effort was the images, which I based on De Stijl art movement. This wasn’t for some artsy-fartsy I’m-so-educated kind of reason; it was mainly because the style gave decent space to feature a few images of each girl for your perving pleasure.
When creating these, I would drag a picture of a girl onto the template and it would momentarily span all the colours. One of my best friends Lizzie was staying with me at the time, and once she saw this effect she tried to convince me to redo all of them in that style. I couldn’t bring myself to undo all of the work I had done, so instead I used the technique for the main image only. It works pretty well, and of course it doesn’t hurt that it features a pin-up model. Shit, I just bored myself.
03. You Don't Have To Choose
My first launched short story (and definitely not last) was greeted with, well, nothing. Nobody responded to it in any way, which can only make me think that either nobody read it or nobody enjoyed it. NO MATTER, I am proud of it. Proud of the story. Proud of MYSELF. And, of course, very proud of the imagery. They were all quite detailed pieces, took time, and reflected the vibe perfectly.
I chose this specific one as it shows the character Japan (unimaginatively represented as Asian despite no mention of this in the story) with her eyes censored for no apparent reason. Oooh. Mysterious. But what people might not notice is the distorted sickly Patrick in the background, also censored, lying in his bed dying of cancer. Not to mention the smaller green marks which follow on The Machine’s vibe. I love it. I love me.
One little fact that people wouldn't have picked up on is that the original title of the blog was on all of the pictures. Up on the right hand side it clearly reads “Numbers You Don’t Have To Choose”. Just by chance the whole title wouldn’t fit on the Juice Nothing homepage, and when I shortened it to “You Don’t Have To Choose”, it sounded so much better that I kept it instead. The last chapter is evidence of this as well. YOU ARE NOW EDUCATED.
02. Until It Happens To You: My Paranormal Experiences
This was my Halloween blog, a personal bit of writing which accounts my dabbling into the freakier unexplainable side of life. People liked it in all the right ways, and I think the imagery helped secure the vibey I was going for.
The main image itself is my favourite. All of the pieces had the crusty border and the creepy font, but this one’s centrepiece was the best. It was taken from a violent porn picture where one girl was viciously stretching another girl’s mouth open. I positioned it so that you can’t immediately get what is going on, but it still gives me an unsettling feel even though I made it. Total win. And if you don’t like it - you should have seen what I didn’t use.
01. I Am The Reincarnation Of John Lennon
I was very happy with all the images from the John Lennon blog, I could have used any of them on this list. They all just seemed to fall into place despite following some strict criteria I had set for myself. Which was:
(1) The title of each chapter had to reflect the overall chapter’s message by using a Lennon/Beatles lyric;
(2) The image had to reflect this title;
(3) The image had to feature John Lennon; and
(4) The image had to feature my face hidden somewhere. I doubt many people picked that up, but if you look at each of these artsies, I am always there somewhere.
I chose this image specifically because of its cool psychedelic appeal which came out of nowhere. If you look at the original image it’s so plain and boring despite portraying a more obvious message. It wasn’t looking right, so out of frustration I overlayed some hippie-crap on top, and this came out. It’s almost painful to look at, but for a blog that's heart lay in the 60’s - it’s a trip maaaan.
This concludes part one of our double feature. I am sure at this point you are no longer interested in me trying to convince you of how great I am. Which is why I saved the best for last. Ladies and Gentleman, this is how shit I am:
Part 2: The Worst Of Juice Nothing Artwork
Rule 1 of all good self-worship: it should be followed by self-deprecation. With this in mind, please enjoy the “Worst Of Me” part of this blog, which not only makes me feel stupid and inadequate, but also gives you the platform to mock me. Please enjoy:
10. Jared Woods' Top 10 Formspring Questions
All things considered, this is a rad-ish image. But it’s just a bit too much... me.
“Oh yes, check me out, deep in thought. I am the formspring master. I think about a vast array of subjects without thinking about anything at all. I’m so deep and so cool.”
Sometimes I piss myself off. Often even. That whole blog was just one exercise in narcissism really, not to mention that the thought-bubble’s outline is far too heavy and the neckline of my top is very stretched. OMG, embarrassing.
09. The Top 20 Naughtiest Musicians, Ever
The images for this blog were a little ho-hum at best, aiming to get the whole “naughty person was arrested” vibe or whatever. But when it came to finding an image to summarize it all, I was stuck. I eventually settled on this man waving his finger as if someone was being naughty. “You’ve been very naughty” he might be saying.
A while after this blog was launched, fellow Funpowder Plotter Ammr Khalifa said “Oh, that’s Bruce Campbell”. And I was like “yeah, obviously” but I actually had no idea. So my stupidity and ignorance of using an image without even knowing who it was, is why this enters at number 9. Whatever. I’m busy.
08. Dear 2010,
I don’t like the style of any images from Dear 2010. I was trying to make a cool calender vibe by using nothing but Photoshop trickery, and in a rush I got halfway there. The worst part is that little fold which appears on the bottom right corner. Pathetic. Wtf. Show me one page that folds like that in real life. It’s terrible in every way. Inexcusable.
I picked May specifically because if you summarize an entire month by saying “Janelle Monae released an album; Picasso sold a painting; and the bassist from SlipKnoT dies...” then it was a very lame month indeed.
07. That Band vs. Band Thang
Yeah, ok, so I get it. The boxers are symbolic of a music fight right? And because it’s a voting thing, it’s supposed to be clever hey? Something like that? Am I close? I guess my biggest issue is that it’s fucking boring.
06. Dear 2009
Open Photoshop. Fill an area black. Slap on a fiber filter and a bevel. Cut out 3 holes to show images through. This must have taken me all of 2 minutes, surely. And much like the 2010 image earlier, this month was chosen due to its content: Lady Gaga breaks a record; Blur play a show; and a solar eclipse takes place. Where the hell was I in all of this?
05. The Disney Afternoon
I liked this blog even though it was written so long ago. And the image isn’t all bad, you might not even notice what is wrong with it. What could be? I didn’t even do that much to it - just look at the original.
Well let me tell you. First of all, the bottom reflection is pretty badly done, as they are hard to do correctly anyway. Check out the table that old Gummi-Bear is writing on (bottom mid-right). Reflections don’t look like that in real life do they now? But the main thing that really bothers me is the Gargoyles left wing. The text is actually cutting a piece out of it. That is bad bad designing, a fireable offence, and I just don’t know how that slipped though. I AM BETTER THAN THIS.
04. That Band vs. Band Thang
The images for this blog were sketchy at best (point proven that this is the second entry from it, the first at #7), but I did feel alright with them at the time. Unfortunately this image contains a huge mistake, can you spot it?
That’s right. 46% + 64% = 110%. A math miscalculation on my part, and due to my messy psd practices, impossible to correct. The worst thing was that other people pointed it out to me, which always hurts the most. Fail.
03. Writer’s Blog
Ok, what the fuck is this? I mean, at least it wasn’t from a real blog blog, rather a news post, but still... wtf srsly.
My idea was obviously to use something representing “a rock and a hard place”, I found this image, and decided to not really edit it whatsoever. Even worse is the title, a pun on "Writer’s Block", which is so stupid that I’m sure no one else even got it. But instead of fixing it, I made it worse by using a shitty pixelated font which was hardly legible, and missed the apostrophe. Abomination.
02. Jared Woods' Top 50 Essential 2010 Albums
So I had finally finished BY FAR the hardest blog I have ever written. I had listened to hundreds and hundreds of albums; painstakingly put them in order of preference; wrote and rewrote everything I could muster about them; found all the album covers; and even did small treatments on each one. That left one thing to do: the main picture. Only problem is that when it came time to create it, I was completely burnt out and didn’t know how the fuck to summarize a year of music. Any ideas? Please??
I tried to go for a champion "Yeah I Did It" vibe. Found a picture of Rocky, moved it around, blurred it, inverted it, loaded it with shitty filters, said “fuckkit” and then used it. I must apologise. What the hell is that thing? It doesn’t mean anything, and I consider it the only weak point of that entire blog. That said, my original plan was to use Justin Bieber’s face as a joke, so be grateful I suppose.
01. The Biggest Mistake Of My Life
Ouch.
So this blog in general was pretty much completely ignored. In fact, only one person ever commented on it, saying “you are weird Jared”. Whatever, I honestly love it.
But this image is... I just don’t know. I am so so sorry. I even knew it was bad when I finished it. I took an image of Meryl Streep, liquefied her mouth and burnt out her eyes. I then crudely made a swastika on her forehead and burnt that in too. Done.
It is so disproportionate, I must have purposefully only spent a second on it, otherwise I should quit design right now. Even the shading of dribble (?) coming out of her mouth looks like nothing. I am ashamed. Was I trying to be comical? Was I trying to be scary? Either way, it’s not quite that. Although in my defence, the strap-line does deserve some kind of a point. So that’s 1 point then. Thanks.
A wise man once told me “Jared, they can’t all be winners”. And that wise man was me. And really now, if you can’t trust yourself, who are you going to trust? At least they weren’t a complete waste, as I somehow managed to write an entire blog about them. Now I shall cry for the remainder of the evening. This concludes part 2 of this feature.
One thing anyone can agree with is that practice makes perfect, and so I predict a rise in Photoshop quality for the blogs to come. A lot more porn, a lot more death, a lot more risky things you shouldn't view at work.
And if you think you can do better - you go girl. You show me. You're so novel. What a good idea. You can keep your time to yourself. You don't need date insurance. You can go out with whoever you want to. Every boy. Every boy in the whole world could be yours if you'll just listen to my plan. The teenage guide to popularity.
